Why Asking “What’s This?” Often Backfires With Late Talkers Ep 138

If your toddler isn’t talking much yet, you may have found yourself asking, “What’s this?” — hoping to hear a word.

But for many late talkers, that well-intentioned question quietly shuts things down.

In this episode, Erin Hyer — speech-language pathologist with over 35 years of clinical and real-life experience — explains why asking for words too early can work against development, and what actually helps toddlers feel ready to communicate.

You’ll learn:

• Why silence doesn’t mean your child won’t talk — just that the foundations are still forming
• The difference between 'testing' and participating in early communication
• The five key areas that support speech before words appear
• How attention, imitation, play, daily rhythms, and nervous system regulation all shape language development

This episode isn’t about doing more or pushing harder.

It’s about creating the conditions that make communication feel safe, comfortable, interesting, and worth the effort.

🎧 You’ll also hear a simple metaphor that reframes speech development — and reminds parents why patience, presence, and trust matter more than pressure.

📥 Free resource mentioned:
The Top 10 Essential Skills Every Baby Needs Before Talking

🔗 Discovery Calls: Looking ahead 

As we move into the new year, I offer Discovery Calls for parents of babies & toddlers. These are free, one-to-one conversations designed to help determine whether a focused 6-week parent coaching format would be helpful for your family at this time. Not evaluations, not therapy - just space to reflect and be heard.

There’s no pressure and no obligation. 

January is now open, and you’ll find the details here: 👉 Start here to request a Discovery Call

CLICK HERE FOR: Building Vocabulary: Single Words to 2-Word Phrases

Because the little years are the big years.

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Disclaimer: 

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult your pediatrician or a qualified health provider with questions about your child’s development or health. The views shared are based on Erin Hyer’s professional experience and are intended to support informed parenting, not to replace individual consultation or care. Every child and family is unique — please use your discretion and consult trusted professionals when making decisions for your child.

Transcript

Erin: 0:01

but I swear after 35 plus years in practice, I know what brings kids out of their shell. I know what we can do to entice them to try things that might be a little bit hard, right? Talking is harder than just listening. maybe a better way to say it is I understand how to create that energy in this dyad, in this relationship that makes them feel Hello and welcome to Talking Toddlers where I share more than just tips and tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. here our goal is to develop clarity because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction, to never give up, to tap into everyday activities, so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind, he's thriving. Through your guidance, we know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started. Picture this for a moment. You're sitting on the floor with your toddler. You've got a toy in your hand, maybe it's a truck or a little animal or a ball. You hold it up, you make eye contact, and you ask in your most encouraging voice, what's this? You pause. You smile. And instead of a word, your child looks away, or maybe he grabs the toy and walks off, or maybe he just stays silent. In that quiet moment, a thought slips in maybe just for a second, and you think to yourself, shouldn't he be saying this by now? If you're 20 month old, give or take only has a few words. This moment probably feels very familiar. And I wanna say something important, that silence doesn't mean your child won't talk. It means they can't yet, at least not comfortably. Not reliably, and not on command. It doesn't mean that you don't care, and it certainly doesn't mean that you haven't been trying. But it does mean that the way we're often asking for words is getting ahead of his or her development. Because asking questions like what's this assumes a set of skills that many toddlers are still building. They're under construction attention, imitation listening gestures and playful sound making. When those skills aren't solid yet, asking for words doesn't invite speech, it quietly shuts it down. And I assure you, after more than 35 years working with toddlers and their parents and hearing the same concerns echoed again last month during my discovery calls, I've learned that many late talkers or slow talkers aren't refusing language. They're still growing the foundations that language depend on, and very often it's not the child who's off track. It's how we, the adults around them are participating when we shift from testing to inviting or from asking to wondering, imitating them or enticing them, and then joining in the activity speech has a reason to show up. Before I walk you through these five areas where participation really matters, I wanna give you a picture that might help frame everything we're about to talk about here today. Think about tending a garden. You don't pull on the plant and hope that that will help them grow. You tend the soil, you pull the weeds because you don't need that. You give. Added nutrients because that's what's going to nourish them. And you make sure there's enough sunlight for those that require it, and shade and water for those that need less. And then you wait. Growth happens quietly, beneath the surface, long before you ever see it. Well, speech development works the same way. When your child isn't talking yet, it doesn't mean nothing is happening. It usually means the foundations are still forming underneath. Our job isn't to demand growth and performance is to create the conditions that allow it. So the five areas that I'm about to share are exactly like that. There are different ways that you as the parent contend the soil. So language has space to grow. If your child isn't talking yet. Our job isn't to ask for more words. It is to give them more reasons to speak. That's a whole different mind shift. Before we go further, I wanna make sure that you have a simple resource that pairs really well with today's conversation. I put together a free guide called The Top 10 Essential Skills Every Baby Needs Before Talking. It walks through the exact foundations we're gonna talk about today, attention imitation gestures, and early sound play. Wow. So then you can see where your child is already strong and growing and where they might need help and support in that growth, that nurture. You can download the link down below in the show notes. And if you've been finding this podcast helpful, one of the best ways you can support this channel is by leaving a quick review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Those reviews help other parents find this kind of material that's grounded and developmentally sound, and I'd be so happy when you take the time to do that because I really want to reach those parents who are eager and open to learning more. and also don't forget that I'm also on YouTube. You know, there are different ways to listen, different ways to learn. And as we move forward into 2026, I think it might be more helpful to watch, because I'll be demonstrating a lot more of these podcast episodes. And then the final note is. if you're new here, welcome. I'm Erin, hire a speech language pathologist with more than 35 years working with babies and toddlers, preschoolers and their parents, both clinically and in real life at home. Okay. Talking Toddlers is a place where we slow things down and look at early development through practical human lens. My goal is to help parents understand what actually supports communication in these early years. But let's not add any more pressure. Let's not look at trends and let's. Not really turn everyday moments into testing or performance. So I'm glad you're here, and let's buckle down into this conversation of meeting your child where they are today and supporting what's growing underneath. so if asking for words often shuts things down, then maybe the real question becomes this. What does participation actually look like for a toddler who isn't ready to speak comfortably yet? Right? How do you, mom, dad, grandparents, how do you show up and participate with them? And so when I talk about participation, I'm not talking about doing more or trying harder. I am talking about us, the grownups showing up differently in a few key ways that support speech long before words appear. When I look back over the years across hundreds of families, I've noticed something very consistent. Toddlers who eventually find their words aren't usually surrounded by adults who are drilling or testing or asking them to perform. They're usually surrounded by adults who know how to participate in ways that make communication feel safe, or maybe a better word, might be comfortable. Right. Adults who make it more comfortable and interesting, and then it's worth the effort. Keep in mind expressive language, verbal talking, in other words, takes a lot more physical, cognitive, emotional bandwidth. Than listening or understanding. Even though there's an active part of the brain going on when they're listening to you talk or listening to you tell a story, it's still pretty passive. And so to help you understand what this looks like and what it feels like in real life, I have outlined five areas where that kind of participation, that kind of showing up really matters. So let's walk through these five step-by-step, and so you can begin to reflect on what's your day look like, what's your rhythm? So the first one is there has to be some protected one to one time every day, not all day. Not constantly. Ideally, I like to start with one or two short place periods, right around 10 to 15 minutes, depending on your home life, depending on your child. But if that feels like it's too much to start with right now, start with three or four minutes, build up. What matters most isn't the activity, it's the quality of your attention. Keep the phone away, right? No multitasking, no agenda. You're just being in it with them. Follow your child's lead long enough for engagement to really settle in and I, I do think it's hard to not have an agenda and just be in it with them. What you want to build is. You know, think about it like deep, meaningful connection and presence, whether it's building blocks or playing duplos or cars or dollies or whatever, because attention is the doorway to imitation, and then imitation is the doorway to speech. That's how that works. This is also where I wanna say something important about therapy. Many of my listeners already have your toddler in therapy. Many of you are on a wait list and some of you are thinking about speaking to someone and starting this process. I get it. I have all kinds of different family. Dynamics, but when your toddler receives individual therapy, maybe is for 30 or 45 minutes once a week, if you're lucky. It could be twice a week, but that time I know is incredibly valuable. Look, I get it. I practice one-to-one therapy. That model for 35 years, we made a huge difference and I used to say to all of my families, if you don't see meaningful gains in the first three months, fire me. And what that means is it should not take that long to start to see things shift. Not 180 degrees, not, you know, magic bullets here, but true movement. And even with that, the best therapy sessions are still just a small slice of your child's week. There's usually very little time in those sessions to help you. Mom and dad and grandparents to help you build your confidence and your new skills as parenting a young baby or toddler or preschooler, right? That's why I believe what happens at home in your everyday relationship matters so much You matter. The time you spend together matters and the way you participate together. Matters. So ask yourself, what does your one-to-one time look like right now? Even if you're in therapy or on a wait list, or you're just thinking about it, but your home life matters. Is there room to improve? You're on the job. This is new. You're learning. What can you do differently? Okay, so now the second piece is how you enter your child's world once you're there, right? You, you've carved out those five minutes a few times a day or 15 minutes. Now, how do you show up? This is where many well-intentioned parents, I think, accidentally slip into testing or into performance, right? We and, and I think a lot of. Therapists do this as well. We tend to ask questions. We're waiting for them to answer. We're hoping that they'll show us or perform for us, do it. But I look at participation, this one-to-one, one-to-one time together looks very different. It sounds more like you're wondering out loud, right? You're, you're showing animals. Hmm. I wonder where he lives, or perhaps you're copying what your child is doing playfully getting them interested in doing it more. Perhaps you're reacting to anything he's doing. Oh dear. The tower fell down. And allowing him or her to feel important that you are in it with them undivided attention. And you're commenting, you're letting the interaction unfold naturally without that agenda instead of directing it. Right. I think it's, it's less of a teacher and more as a partner. You are not asking your child to show you what they know or what they're thinking. You are showing them that being together is fun. It's enjoyable, right? You guys are partners, communicative partners in it Together, you will model how it works. And then because of that joy, then they will have more reason to show up to try things. Right. You are building a meaningful relationship first and, and then they will join that building. Right. I know this sounds different than what you probably have imagined and even what. Others present on social media, but I swear after 35 plus years in practice, I know what brings kids out of their shell. I know what we can do to entice them to try things that might be a little bit hard, right? Talking is harder than just listening. And maybe a better way to say it is I understand how to create that energy in, in this dyad, in this relationship that makes them feel secure and connected and want to try. So then you have to ask yourself, what kind of energy do you bring to these play moments? Are you lighthearted. Are you in it with them? Is there judgment? Are you just letting it unfold? Commenting, but not over talking. Like I said, are you the teacher or the partner that makes a difference, especially to these kids who are slow to talk. So now the third of these five areas is. The language that you use has to match where your child is developmentally. Again, sometimes we over talk or we're, we're told to narrate our day, so we talk a lot. But developmentally there's still learning this primary native language, and so they can't really keep up with all of your sentences before children use words. They play with sound, right? They copy a lot of patterns that they're hearing and rhythms. They explore with their mouth, their voice, their intonation, right, their expression, their smiles, their eyes, their hand gestures, their willing to do all of that mode or nonverbal stuff. And they really do enjoy animal noises, right? The, those sound effects nursery rhymes because there's a rhythm to it. It's simple and repetitive language when we use this type of communication, right, and that's that modeling, it becomes playful, engaging, lighthearted, non-threatening, or unpressured. Right, and I believe it's varied enough to hold their attention and then they're able to want to expand on that interaction, maybe imitate you, maybe do a different animal, maybe just repeat it. So those action words also in this context are also more interesting, right? Than just labeling horse, right truck, right? It, it sounds better if you have a ball and you say, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce than just ball. Or if you have a bunny or a dog and you say, hop, hop, hop, hop, hop goes. The bunny. Or you have a horse here, right? Giddy up. Giddy up. Giddy up. Sounds a little bit better than horse. And so think of why do we often change? We don't just say horse, horse, we say horsey, horsey. Because it's more interesting, right? And so there's a lot of different ways that we can use what we're, we're going toward. We want them to name animals and objects and, and do all of that, but we need to make it interesting to them. You know, if you have a vehicle and you go, vroom, vroom, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. That's better than car. Truck, right? So we have a lot of mo more movement and different sounds, and then we share that excitement because all of that comes first. Then the words can grow out of that, right? So we're building from the ground up. And I know when you look at your 20 month old and you hear in your head, oh my goodness, they need 50 words and they only have a dozen, and they're not really engaging with you, you're thinking, why do I go backwards? Because we can't force them to go forward until we have that foundation. When we skip this stage and jump straight ahead to naming or labeling. We often lose them, and that's where they're quiet and they'll walk away. They'll disengage. They're loved, they're well cared for, they're happy. And it's not because I know this is true, it's not because we, the grownups aren't trying, but it's because the interaction isn't yet interesting enough for that toddler brain to engage. Right. Your toddler has a simple need. Make life fun and I'll participate. I'll join you if it's fun because they're on a subconscious level thinking. My understanding is still just coming online. It's limited. You gotta be silly. You gotta be worth my effort. And I know this is a different mind shift for a lot of parents out there, but once your child, your little guy or gal begins to understand more and they're, they have that solid foundation. Then they can naturally expand their emotional understanding and begin to attend to more of the details. So think of it this way, like you want them to learn opposites. Well, if I have a strong foundation, then I can say, oh, hot, hot. Ow, ow, ow, ow. Or, cold boo. Cold boo. They're going to engage. I, I know if you're listening to me only on audio, it might sound funny, but YouTube, I'm also demonstrating, right? It's hot. Woo woo. Hot, hot, hot, cold, cold, right? You have to, they'll learn those concepts right under the table or up, up, up, up over the mountain. and so we're putting gestures and movement and interest in hearing the words, and then they'll even be sequencing, right? Oh, what do we do? First we pour the milk and then we crack the egg, and then we mix, mix, mix, right? Yeah. At 16 and 18, 20, 24 months, their natural, healthy, egocentric perspective of their life is really about feeling pleasure, having a good time. That's all they really know, right? Being entertained by adults who care and just want to be with them because they love them. I, I can't say this enough. We cannot minimize the importance of playful sounds and songs and, and patterns and noises. All the countries do this. That's why we have this nursery rhymes, right? And keep this in mind. It's not forever, you know, 30 months after that, a typical average toddler out there. With enough success in this interaction and building and feeling comfortable and trying stuff that are harder, then language building after that, right? Once they have this foundation of language and they'll listen and they'll, they're more willing and open to trying harder things and that's when you know, you can have a book and you can say, oh no. Where is the boy going? And he can look at the picture that you're pointing. He can listen to your words. He can think about it, put it together, and then generate an answer. Because he's had 12 months and 18 months and 30 months of listening and practicing and building that foundation. Or you can say, oh dear. Why is the girl crying? He can hear your words, understand the why question, look at the picture, and come up with an answer. Or you can say things like, oh, daddy's car won't start. What will he do? And again, you're giving them time to look at a situation, hear your high level language. Those questions are high level, right? They require an a lot of high level understanding and then thinking to generate an answer. They can do those types of questions at 30 months. When you have that strong foundation, that's what you're striving for. But first with a lot of kids, we have to entice them to wanna work harder for verbal speech. So the fourth area of these five is really your everyday life, right? Speech doesn't grow only during those played moments, right? That's why speech doesn't only grow out of your 45 minute session with your speech therapist. What you do at home really matters and in all different contexts, so not just your 10, 15 minute, one-to-one playtime. That's where you're really hyper-focused on each other. But speech also grows from doing life together every day, right? Eating together, bringing your toddler into those simple chores. Side by side moments where there's no pressure to respond. Just opportunities to share, to attend, and to build more meaning and put spoken language. Not over talking, not narrating everything all the time, but putting it to support what you're doing. Right, and with that, you're building his or her cooperation and building their understanding, right? These aren't distractions from learning. This is how they put all of this rich language into real life, right? To me, I have always said these are some of the richest learning moments you'll ever have. Right? Think about it as you use language and help unload the dishwasher. As you're putting groceries away, all the rich language that's involved naturally as you do it together, taking out the trash, sweeping the floor, writing a shopping list, heck, making a bed is exciting and learning to a two and 3-year-old, right? They get to do it with you. And I think that's golden and it makes them feel connected. It and important. And when they feel connected and important, then they're willing to try something that's a little harder. You, you are providing the context. It's a natural way to practice movement, right? And remember, movement wires the brain and then you, you do the gross body movement, and that helps with the fine. Body movement and fine is with our fingers and our mouth. Then that builds language. Language processing, auditory language processing. Can I listen and follow, you know, oh, this is dirty. Where do the dirty clothes go? They go in the hamper, and then you're building a connection because we're doing it together, and then. What you're helping them feel, what it's like to complete a task, to say, we started a task, a job, and we got in the middle of it, got a little messy and now it's done. That's real learning in real time with real people that love them in their real life, in their real home. That's. How it's done. That's how wiring understanding and talking go hand in hand. So now, number five, the, the final of this list is really that. Participation only works when your child's nervous system is supported. And when I talk about the nervous system, I'm talking about your child's internal state, whether their body feels safe and calm or stressed and overwhelmed, right? And safe to me, feels that comfortable level, right? They're grounded when a toddler's nervous system is under stress. Maybe they're overtired or overstimulated. Maybe they feel rushed or maybe they had disrupted sleep or poor food choices when they're under that kind of stress, and some of that is going to happen. But if it's day to day, then that becomes their new normal. But when that happens, their brain shifts more into survival mode. And in that state when they're just trying to hold on by the skin of their teeth, the brain is focused on getting through the moment, not learning, not imitating, not listening, and certainly not communicating right. It that takes a different bandwidth and they have to be. Uh, grounded to do that. Language lives in the part of the brain that comes online. When your child does feel safe or grounded, feels connected, and feels regulated, then they have that bandwidth, right? That's why sleep matters, and morning and evening routines matter. Naps matter. Food choices matter, and all of this matters for all of us, but especially for our little ones who are most vulnerable. These, to me, are not lifestyle preferences. They're developmental foundations. They're essentials at tired, dysregulated body simply doesn't have the bandwidth for speech. Right for processing and understanding speech and then generating it. Language grows best in a body that feels, like I said, secure and connected, rested and regulated. So look at your routines. Be open to making small adjustments this year. It sometimes doesn't mean like you have to do a complete overhaul. It just means how can I tweak it? I understand that most of this is new. For many of you, you are on the job learning. This is all new. Parenting doesn't come with a manual. You often hear that and I know that you don't know what you don't know. And sometimes when we're in that new learning, we don't even have the questions to ask. So I'm trying to set it up so one, it could prompt some questions and two, it just gives you breathing room to sit back and consider. What's my lifestyle? What? What's my rhythm? And sometimes when I think about learning new stuff, I honestly think about making sourdough bread. And you're probably thinking, what? But, because, you know, I'll share a secret that the whole process of making sourdough bread has always intimidated me. And I've tried it numerous times and I don't feel very successful, but you have to look at it, that there's something about it that feels a little unpredictable, right? That you can follow a simple recipe and you can do all the right steps, but you still can't rush the rise, right? If you poke it too much, which I've done, or you try to speed it up, you actually ruin the very thing that you're waiting for. And so speech or verbal talking is a lot like that. when we focus on the conditions, your presence, the rhythm of your day, your level of participation, growth happens quietly. And then one day, hmm, speech starts to show up. So maybe in 2026 is the year that I finally master sourdough bread making. And maybe this is the year that you practice showing up with your toddler with more presence, more purpose to your, playful interactions and more patience in helping them build the foundation. Trusting that what you're doing together in that moment matters. Because when we talk about participation, we're really talking about these five simple things, right? They're powerful, and these are areas that you have full influence over. You can protect your one-to-one moments together. Build that attention together, How do you enter those scenarios? How do you enter your child's play? And then use language that matches their development. Don't over talk them or try to teach them. Be in it with them and model. Participation is woven into your day-to-day, real life washing hands, putting the groceries away, all of that, making the bed, and then the rhythm that protects their nervous system. None of these are about pushing words. They're all about making communication, feel comfortable and safe and secure and grounded. Interesting. And worth the effort. And sometimes when you're in the middle of it, it helps to have someone look at the conditions with you. And if you'd like individual guidance, looking at your child's attention, imitation gestures, their daily rhythm, and how you are showing up, how you are participating. Then that's the purpose of my discovery calls, where we can talk through specific situations together and determine whether one-to-one coaching might be a good fit for you and your family. Individual coaching isn't therapy for your child. So many of my families that I'm working with now in the coaching framework are in therapy. Many of them are on a wait list too, but its purpose is to support you. To help you, the parent, build your confidence, gain clarity around healthy developmental priorities, and then create an engaged yet calm rhythm for your daily life. There's no pressure or obligation for these calls. It's simply a chance to get clarity and to decide what kind of support would help you going forward. How can 2026 be more intentional, grounded, and healthy for everyone? You can find the link to schedule a discovery call in the show notes down below. I'd love to connect with you. I'd love to answer some of your questions and see what's really tugging at your heart. Meanwhile, thanks for spending your time with me. God bless. Have a great week and I'll see you in the next talking toddlers.