Stop Repeating Yourself: 4 Keys to Get Your Toddler to Listen the First Time Ep 124

Does your toddler ignore you when you’ve asked the same thing six times? 

Or do you feel that sting of embarrassment when they melt down in the store or refuse to listen at the park?

Here’s the truth: your child isn’t being “bad.” 

They’re showing you where they are developmentally — and the good news is, you can absolutely teach them how to listen, focus, and follow through.

In this episode, I’ll walk you through 4 simple, science-backed keys to getting your toddler’s attention and guiding them with confidence:

1. Face-to-face at their level
   
   
2. Light but firm physical touch
   
   
3. Calm, confident energy
   
   
4. Clear, concrete directions
   
   

You’ll hear real-life stories, practical examples, and tips you can try today. 

And I’ll give you a sneak peek at next week’s episode, where we’ll go deeper into toddler meltdowns — what’s really happening in the brain and body, and why parents need to stop talking when they happen.

You’re not just “managing behavior.” You’re teaching your child life-long skills: attention, cooperation, and trust.

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This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult your pediatrician or a qualified health provider with questions about your child’s development or health. The views shared are based on Erin Hyer’s professional experience and are intended to support informed parenting, not to replace individual consultation or care. Every child and family is unique — please use your discretion and consult trusted professionals when making decisions for your child.

📩 Questions: contact@HyerLearning.com
 🌐 www.HyerLearning.com

Transcript

Erin: 0:00

You don't have to panic every time you have to try to get out the door when you use these four simple but key strategies. Then you are teaching your little one how to listen. You are teaching them how to regulate to mirror after you and. Yeah, ultimately you're teaching them to follow your directives, your lead, your expectations to have faith in you, and that's what makes these moments Hello and welcome to Talking Toddlers where I share more than just tips and tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. We're gonna cover all of that, but here our goal is to develop clarity because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction, to never give up, to tap into everyday activities, so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind, he's thriving. Through your guidance, we know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started. Let me ask you this. Have you ever tried leaving the park or church or the grocery store and your toddler just loses it? Or maybe it's not a meltdown. Maybe it's when you've asked them six times to put on their shoes or come to the table and they just simply ignore you. How does that feel? Frustrating, embarrassing, and sometimes I bet it even feels defeating, like, why won't my child listen to me? Here's the truth. Your toddler isn't trying to drive you crazy, and they're not being bad on purpose. They're showing you exactly where they are developmentally, and here's the good news. You can absolutely help them pay attention. And follow through without yelling and without repeating yourself over and over again. I'll be honest, parenting is more than just surviving these hard moments In both biblical tradition and Jewish teaching, being a parent has always been seen as a sacred responsibility, a calling to nurture. And teach to guide our children so they can grow into the fullness of who they were created to be. That's not always easy in today's world with all the distractions and pressures, but at its heart, parenting is about building that connection and modeling calm. Confident leadership. We're not waiting for the preschool or the kindergarten to begin shaping your child's learning. It starts now right here in your home, in our daily moments at the grocery store, at the park. In our own kitchens, we are their teachers, and yes, it's hard sometimes, but it's also a privilege. Today I'm going to show you four simple science-backed skills to help your toddler tune in, pay attention, and follow your guidance. These strategies are developmentally aligned. Practical for everyday life, and they'll give you confidence when you're frustrated and in the moment because they will pop up along the way. I'll also share a few stories because I want you to know you are not in it alone. We all have been there The very first key step is to get face to face and eye level with your toddler. There's so little, and we're so big. I want you to think about it. If someone was across the room and started to yell instructions to you while you are in deep concentration, are you tuned? Probably not. Toddlers are no different. Their brains are working over time and they're still developing all of those auditory or listening pathways, and that's what allows them to process and hear your voice. And with any weight or meaning, it takes energy. To stop what you're doing and turn and pay attention. Here's the science behind it. Under the age of three, much of the language processing is just beginning to wire up in their left hemisphere. That's where the vocabulary words and the phrases are being processed, understood, and stored. It's the right hemisphere, which is more designed for survival at birth, right? It, it helps them build that attunement with you and builds those, that emotional connection because they're on survival mode once they come out into this big world, but. Under age three, that right hemisphere is still leading the show. It's still in charge. That left hemisphere where words are being processed, sounds are being coded. That's just beginning to come online, so that's why your child can pick up on your tone and your body language far more quickly than they can actually process. The words that you're saying, I believe God designed babies this way to attune in with you, mama at birth because you are her lifeline. And I've seen this again and again in my private practices and in home visits, all of it, in, in small groups that I use. A curious toddler is wandering around, right? Opening up cupboards just because they can, they have the handle, their, their hands are seeking knowledge in this, in this environment. So they're gonna. Grab it, pull it open, close it, pull it open, close it. Nine times outta 10, the parent will yell across the room like, no, stop that. That's not yours. But yelling across the room rarely helps or rarely teaches. Instead, I'll model. I walk over quietly. I squat down. I, I give them a little smile and I gently put my hand on their shoulder or their elbow or their knee, and I position myself to kind of limit their exploration. I give them a little wiggle room with a cupboard or two. That's safe, right? In my case, it was always, and even now in my small parenting group here in Florida, papers, boxes, Tupperware, nothing dangerous, but when I would get in the moment with them, show them the limits, the child quickly will lose interest and move on and opening and closing the doors a few times. Will satisfy their curiosity. There's no power struggle. There's no yelling across the room that just makes it noisy. It doesn't really help them. So the the practical tip here is first and foremost, get down face to face and meet them where they are physically and emotionally, right? Use that steady eye contact. To get connected. It's like a reset button almost for attention. It triggers them and if you begin in a frustrated feeling in a frustrated state, they will pick up on that. So do the best you can. I want you to think of, and someone taught me this years and years ago, but think of a duck gliding smoothly across the water. It's calm and steady on the surface. But underneath tho those feet are paddling like crazy, and that might be how you're feeling, but you want them to see your calm, steady grace on the surface because it's that calm presence that your toddler needs to see. Because they will model that. So sometimes though, eye contact isn't enough. So the second key is where we have a gentle butt firm touch on their shoulder, their knee, their back, and I want you to notice that I didn't say a light touch because light touches can be. Pretty irritating, especially to a toddler who's engaged with something perhaps or you're trying to get them shifted to something else. But a light touch can almost be like a bug that's brushing against their skin. It's irritating. I know. It's irritating to me. So what works best is a light but firm touch that matches your grounded presence. And then your steady eye contact. So putting these pieces together, these building blocks helps get them to switch gears and attend to you. Because what's happening underneath that touch is one of the earliest senses that's developed in the womb, right? It's deeply tied to regulation or co-regulation and connection, and I've talked about this. All the time in other episodes to really feel connected through touch and skin. So when you calmly place your hand on your toddler's shoulder or their knee, or even their foot, if they're crawling right, you are saying to them, I got you. Right. Let, let's, let's shift gears. It helps wake them up from that deep play or that deep interest without jolting them. You don't want to jolt them. You want to help them shift that gear smoothly. I can't tell you how many times I've walked over to a toddler who's lost in play or engrossed in something, and the rest of the world is just. Tuned out. So instead of endlessly calling from across the room, I've simply put my hand on a significant body part, right? Like the shoulder or the back, or the leg. Crouch down. That touch gets their attention, snaps them. They make eye contact, and then I will give them the direction. Yeah, nine times outta 10. This works beautifully. And so if we pair our touch with very few words such as shoes now or time to eat, and you're looking at them, you're giving them that touch. That simple phrase directive goes much further than a long explanation, and so recognize when they're in these moments, they do not need a lot of words. Their processing can't keep up with our sentences. Remember that left hemisphere and that right hemisphere, right, but your calm presence given short, clear directives. That can really help move them to that next task or help them shift gears in real time with great success. So now the third key of these four is a little bit tricky, even for me, and I've been doing this for decades, upon decades, but it's, it's, and I've recognized this, that it's much easier for me to model all of this with other people's children. I'm not emotionally or biologically tied to them, and I know that even with my beautiful child who was perfectly imperfect, I, I felt it, right. The emotional pull, the urgency, and the frustration in those moments where you're trying to get them to do whatever you want them to do, usually change tasks or usually transition, right? But here's what I've learned. The more we talk, the less they listen. Especially at this age, at 1, 2, 3, 4, and even five and six toddlers and little, you know, preschoolers are truly concrete thinkers. Too many words, overwhelm their processing system. And when we end up repeating ourselves six, seven times, they learn two things. One mom's words don't really carry a lot of weight. It's just a bunch of noise, unfortunately. And or two, I don't really need to act or pay attention until the sixth time, and usually that's supported by a lot of right hemisphere stuff, right? My pitch goes up, my hands start to wave. I make these big facial expressions. That's all that right hemisphere that's really startled me into at least paying attention. So when toddlers hear endless words with big emotions, their brain starts to tune out. It's a cognitive overload for them. Simple. The best directions are short, clear, and connected with you in that steady presence. Eye contact, getting down at their level. I can't tell you how much that will save you if you recognize you have to get in the moment with them. To be able to direct them out of it. So let me give you a right example and a wrong example, right? So imagine that it's story time at the library and mom is across the room and she's yelling politely, but still trying to get her words across the room. Come on sweetheart. Put your toy away. We need to go. Come on, come on. I've told you it's time to leave. Let's go. And that's six or seven requests. And the child, especially in a big environment, your words are being lost in this auditory space. They're not very good language processes processors yet, and your child is still playing. Right. So a right or a better example, more successful opportunity is the same situation. But mom, you walk over, you squat down, you make eye contact, right? You put your hand gently, but firmly, right? Not too soft and not too rough, right? But firmly on the shoulder or the elbow, and you look at them. You have that pregnant pause like I got you shoes. Time to go with a smile, right? With joy almost. But seriousness, right? It's not complicated. It's time to go. You are calm, you're feeling calm, hopefully, right? Your words are clear. There's not a lot of extra fluff. So the key here. Is to train yourself to give short directives, right? And then you pair that with your presence, your, your body language, your, your attitude. So to so to speak, right? That even if you don't feel it, you have to act it. to guide them both physically and emotionally and calmly and over time. This builds the habit. You've taught them through trial and error of listening. The first time they learn through practice and success with you, guiding them. Okay, so now the fourth piece to this little puzzle here is about your presence, and I've alluded to that and it's, it's a lot about that and perhaps that's what I should lead with. But your toddler, as I said, are, is, is wired to feel your energy. Much more than those words, but if you're frustrated or if you start to panic, like you're not gonna get to your next destination on time, or you're just tired, then they, they're gonna immediately pick up on that. And, and again, they're not being nasty or naughty on purpose. They're going to reflect or mirror back our own emotions. That's how they're designed. That's those mirror neurons. Right. So I want you to think of yourself more as a thermostat and not the thermometer. You set the tone, you set the, the energy and, and the presence of we're gonna do this and we're gonna be successful. Right? We're a team. So toddlers nervous systems are still very much co-regulating with ours, with our kids, uh, with the adults in the room. Right. And that's how they come into this world. And I, and I've shared in previous episodes, and I'm gonna keep on sharing it, that those first nine, 12 months that they're, they're still in that, that rough state, they're under construction. But also from that first birthday to the second, to the third, to the fourth and the fifth. They're still co-regulating with the adults. Those neuro neurons really mean a lot. So when they watch us, they will meet us. If we're cool, calm, and collected, I, they literally syn up with our emotional state. So that's why staying calm isn't just nice and being, you know, a good, um. A good sensitive parent. It's really neurological teaching, right? You're teaching them in the moment. And recently I've worked with a mom whose toddler was melting every time they tried to leave the church playground or any playground, right. But it, happened they had a play date there on Wednesdays, and then they would all always go to services on Sunday. But the mom admitted that she was tense and uncomfortable every morning, every Sunday morning and Wednesday morning, knowing what was gonna happen, right? That she knew that it was gonna be a battle when they needed to leave. And so she admitted that, her whole emotional state. On Sunday morning and Wednesday morning was not healthy or grounded, and so we had to first address that we had to first address her expectations of herself as well as her to her toddler. Um. And that's a, a mindset shift. It's, it really is having faith. And so she in yourself, in your ability to, to be the grownup, to be the healthy, responsible leader that she was striving to be, right? So first she practiced at home with various transitions that weren't so monumental or so public, Let's, clean up before dinner. And so she practiced those steps or clearing the table and get ready for bath, bath time, right? She was trying to build in those natural routines and getting out of the tub. That was another big one with her and all the steps that we needed to do to climb into bed. So those big transitions, she practiced there before she really looked at outside public ones, right? So we tackled that one at a time. And the reality is this cooperative behavior, if you do it in in a close home environment, will then generalize out into the public naturally if we're consistent at home. Then your little ones will be much more likely to believe you out in public, right when it really counts. But first, we focus on your own body language, your own emotional state. Slow down, breathe. Have faith in yourself. Remember that you're gonna just be very concrete with your directives. And the truth is, within just a couple of weeks, those meltdowns became less intense and far less frequent, and, and mom saw the shift and realized that the more she practiced, not only did their home life get better, but she could then really go out in town a lot more and have play dates and, and she felt so much freer. Right, and so I want you to picture that it's a process for you and your little one. And so think of that duck again. Smooth on that. Steady, a smooth and steady on the surface, right? That's what your child will see. Even if your heart is racing and you're, you're still not a hundred percent confident in your ability. But your toddler doesn't need you to be perfect in all of this, but they do need you to have that sense of control and calmness and, and steadfastness, right? So let's kind of circle back around to where we started. That moment in the grocery store, right? Or like this woman at church or in the park where your toddler melts down or ignores you after six, seven requests. It doesn't have to end in frustration for your child or you. You don't have to panic every time you have to try to get out the door when you use these four simple but key strategies. You know, you get down on their eye level, have a touch that's gentle, but firm like I got you. Use very few concrete words and stay calm. Then you are teaching your little one how to listen. You are teaching them how to regulate to mirror after you and. Yeah, ultimately you're teaching them to follow your directives, your lead, your expectations to have faith in you, and that's what makes these moments much less frequent, much less explosive and more manageable and consistent across your days and weeks.

24:44

So. Next week, we'll dive deeper into what's happening in the middle of that meltdown because they do occur and you're going to have those moments. Because there's em. Emotional, neurological, and sensory processing. There's a lot of factors going on, and you will have them, but you want them to be rare. But I, today, I wanted to start out with these four basic concrete keys that are truly our foundation. That should be our style, right? And then you have these one-offs, The, the goal is if you're starting from a strong foundation, then managing those one-offs will be much smoother and easier and short-lived. All right, so look forward to that. If today's information and this episode you found helpful, please consider sharing it with a friend because I know you have moms in the thick of it, just like you, as I always stay. As I always say, none of you are meant to figure this out alone, right? It's, it's, we want to pass this on from generation to generation as we learn to navigate this, this complicated, modern lifestyle that we're living. But it always seems, for me anyways, to go back to the basics. And if at any time you want to dive deeper into creating a learning rich lifestyle for your child and for your home, be sure to check out in the show notes for other resources and ways that we could work together making these small tweaks and see you really gain the huge benefits on the other side. So thank you again for spending your precious time with me and for being open to learning what's possible how do I do this in real time? I know that you show up each and every day for your little one, and I am grateful That we are in this together So God bless you and I'll see you in the next episode of Talking Toddlers.