Why Your Baby or Toddler’s Brain Needs THIS: The First Years Explained Ep 119

Your child’s brain isn’t finished at birth — it’s built day by day, through you.

Whether you have a baby or a toddler, this episode will help you understand the “why” behind sleep struggles, sensitivities, and attention challenges — and remind you that brains are built through responsive parenting.

In this episode of Talking Toddlers, Erin Hyer, speech-language pathologist with 35+ years of experience, explains why the first years matter so much for brain development. 

We’ll cover:

• What exterogestation (the “second womb”) really means
  
  
  
• How 100 billion neurons become connected through everyday experiences
  
  
  
• Why talking is an “orchestra” of attention, motor skills, and social connection
  
  
  
• The myths that hold parents back (“he’ll catch up,” “kids develop at their own pace”)
  
  
  
• What you can do today to build your child’s foundation for learning and thriving
  
  

✨ Action Step: Turn one daily routine (bath time, meals, diapering) into a rich language and connection moment.

👣 Next Step: Ready for more? Start small with The Tiny Challenge — a personalized way to create a learning-rich lifestyle for your child. Link in the show notes.

CLICK HERE NOW - Tiny Challenge for Moms 

✨ If this episode gave you something to think about, share it with a mom who needs encouragement today. 

And I’d love to hear from you — email me your thoughts or questions.

CONNECT WITH ERIN
contact@HyerLearning.com

👉 Don’t forget to subscribe, rate, and share with a mama who needs a reset.

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CLICK HERE NOW - Screen-Free Fun Activities

Building Vocabulary Guide - get it NOW!

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Podcast Disclaimer:
This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult your pediatrician or a qualified health provider with questions about your child’s development or health. The views shared are based on Erin Hyer’s professional experience and are intended to support informed parenting, not to replace individual consultation or care. Every child and family is unique—please use your discretion and consult trusted professionals when making decisions for your child.

Transcript

Erin: 0:00

So when you step back, talking is nothing short of a miracle. a miracle designed to grow stronger through interaction, through play, and repetition and real human connection Hello and welcome to Talking Toddlers where I share more than just tips and tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. We're gonna cover all of that, but here our goal is to develop clarity because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction, to never give up, to tap into everyday activities, so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind, he's thriving through your guidance, we know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started. Most parents don't realize it, but babies aren't finished at birth. Their brains, their sensory systems, even their emotional wiring are still very much under construction. In fact, the first nine months after birth are just as critical as the nine months before birth. And you, my dear friend, mama, are the builder. We often picture birth as the finish line of pregnancy, but in reality, it's only the halfway point. Your newborn is still forming, still relying on your voice, your touch, and your presence to complete what was started. In the womb. Today we're diving into one of the most important truths every parent needs to know. Brains are built, not born. And before we dive in, let me say this. Even if you're past the baby stage, this episode is for you. What we're talking about today may help you understand your toddler's sensitivity, their struggles with transitions, sleep problems, and even attention concerns. They're all related sometimes. Parents are given a label or told ha, that's just how he's wired. But no, that's not the end of the story. When we understand how brains are built, then we can start asking better questions and finding real solutions. Hello and welcome to Talking Toddlers. I'm Erin Hyer, your host. I've been a speech language pathologist for over 35 years working with families at my offices. In their homes on the living room, floors, in schools, playgrounds. I help babies and toddlers communicate, connect, and thrive. And if there's one truth I want parents to walk away with today, it's this. Brains are not finished at birth. They are built step by step through your guidance and your presence. So let's start with the concept that's fairly new to me by name, but not in practice about, I don't know, 10 years ago or so, I started to notice on social media and blog posts and whatnot, The word extra gestation. It seemed like more of a buzz was percolating around this concept. And basically it means the continuation of gestation outside the womb and it's, and it's for full term pregnancies. It's not really always talking about. Preterm babies. But in other words, there was this buzz about how the first nine months after birth function more like a fourth trimester, and I started listening and, and following some people and wondering, huh? I think before I even heard that term, I was already living this truth with the families that I had served for decades. I've watched babies and very young toddlers show us just how unfinished they were after birth, they still need a lot of closeness and your regulation as well as responsive care. They need mom's voice, her touch, her rhythm, and her presence. And when we step in with that kind of responsive support, we're not spoiling them, we're literally completing the work that began in the womb. So later in this episode, I'll share how I actually learned this lesson backwards over time. I started with toddlers who were already struggling to process this outside world. But first, let's look at what's happening inside your baby's brain during these early months so we understand all of the pieces to this puzzle. Here's a fact, I wish every parent knew. Your baby is born with about 100 billion neurons. That's about the same number of stars in the Milky Way galaxy, and I think that's quite remarkable and a little amazing. But here's the catch. Very few of those neurons are connected at birth. They're just hanging out, so think of it like billions of loose wires with no circuits yet. Every experience, every interaction, every cuddle, every diaper change, every smile, every thumbs up. Starts to wire those circuits. Scientists call this synaptogenesis, and so by age three, your child's brain has formed up to 1000 trillion. Synaptic connections. Remember a hundred billion that are just hanging out and ready to connect. But then after, that's really where pruning takes full force. The brain strengthens the circuits it uses most and then trims back the rest. That's what pruning means, and that's why we often say use it or lose it. There's a great. Truth to all of that. Every daily interaction is either strengthening or pruning back those connections, which is why your role, your family dynamics are so powerful. The word we use for this ability to grow and change is neuroplasticity. And here's the beautiful truth. I believe God's designed the brain to grow this way, to grow and adapt and rewire. Based on experience, not just in childhood. It, it's true from conception all the way through death. You and I have the same ability to grow new neuro pathways and build stronger connections. Yeah, but babies and toddlers are different. They are ripe. I've always said they're ripe for massive amounts of learning in a very short window, and that's God's brilliant design. He gives them an easier path in the beginning, making it look almost effortless, but in reality, they're working very hard every single day. To wire these connections and build new skills. As we age, rewiring takes more effort. We can still grow and learn and adapt, like I said, but it requires more intentional practice to undo some old habits or maybe some inefficient neural pathways to enhance those soft pathways that we really want to hone. Or to even create brand new ones altogether. We can do it at older ages. It just takes more work for babies. The brain is wide open. They're soaking up experiences and laying down connections at lightning speed. And yes, babies are driven to practice survival skills like walking and babbling and grasping. But that's only the beginning. Our role as parents is to cheer them on and motivate them to move beyond just surviving. We want them to thrive, and that's in our hands, that's in our family dynamics. Honestly, the more I've studied the whole process of learning to talk, not just babbling or those first cute words, but actually using spoken language to share and connect and process and think and reason, the more amazed I am the any of us learn how to talk. There are so many systems that have to work together, and yet God made it possible. When we respond and when we guide, when we engage. We're participating in that miracle, it takes us to engage and work to really hone that beautiful opportunity. So now let's talk about one of the most misunderstood areas of child development. I think speech acquisition or speech and language. I can't tell you how many times I've read professional reports that said. Quote, this child isn't ready for therapy because he can't talk yet. I'm like, what is, is that crazy? That's exactly what a child needs if they're delayed in talking, talking isn't a starting point. It's the outcome of dozens of systems working together like. Orchestra. Right? A whole human orchestra. Here's what it takes just in a, a very cursory snapshot of what it takes in our bodies to produce just one single word. First, you need attention and focus. Your child has to notice you and stay engaged. Then they have to use their auditory skills. They must process the sounds, understand the rhythm and the rhymes to the whole human voice and make. Patterns from them. Then they have to use their oral motor skills, right? Their breath, their support, their jaw, their lips, their tongue. All of this coordination in the precise patterns. And then there's the whole cognitive skills, memory, organization, sequencing, cause and effect. There's a whole plethora of recognizing the nonverbal elements. And of course the social emotional connection. There must be motivation to communicate. And then on top of that, the brain has to prune of what's not important in this primary language. Organize, how do I put the sounds together within the words? How do I put the words together in the sentences and then integrate all of these systems in a nanosecond. I, I want to paint these two contrasting scenarios. Let's picture this. A mom is rocking her two month old late at night. The baby is fussy. The breathing is shallow and erratic. The arms and legs are jerking. His little nervous system is overwhelmed. She pulls him close places her hand on his back, or on his chest, and hums the same song she sang while pregnant. All of those months long, within seconds, his breathing slows. His body softens, he shifts from that fight or flight into rest and digest. So what's happened here? She's activating his parasympathetic nervous system through her voice, her touch, and her presence, the vagus nerve. One of my very, very. Beloved nerve, but the vagus nerve is being stimulated, slowing his heart rate, lowering stress hormones, and literally teaching his body what calm feels like. She's not spoiling him. She's wiring his brain for calm, for trust and comfort and connection. Now contrast this with another situation. Here's another mom. She's exhausted. It's in the middle of the night. Her baby's been waking up every two hours. She starts to scroll through social media, desperate for answers. She sees post after post saying. You need to teach independence. Just let him cry. He'll figure it out. They all do. So against her better instincts, she lays him down, walks toward the door, closes the door, and sits on the other side holding back her tears. She's overwhelmed eventually. Yeah. He figures it out, he falls asleep, but his heart rate, his heart rate was elevated, his stress hormones surged, and most importantly, both mom and baby in that second scenario felt disconnected and the whole process. Here's the science behind it. When babies cry without comfort. Their bodies release cortisol just like you and I. That's that stress hormone and in small doses, cortisol isn't harmful. You and I, you know, go about our day spiking cortisol all the time. But if repeated or prolonged stress without relief, then it interferes with wiring the brain areas that regulate. Emotion and memory. Remember, your newborn and your one and two and 3-year-old are still under construction. On the flip side, when babies are comforted, their brains release oxytocin, that bonding hormone, that feel good hormone, and that strengthens attachment and lowers his stress. So being responsive isn't coddling. It's wiring. Those two babies experience the same challenge. They're still new to this crazy world of ours. They're still trying to figure it out, looking to you to guide them and support them. But both of these innocent babies walked away with very different wiring. One learned through calm connection and the other learned stress without relief. And that brings me to some of the biggest misconceptions I've seen. Literally hold parents back for years. I've heard parents told by other people, don't worry, don't worry. Kids develop on their own pace or you know, he's a boy, he'll catch up. They're all a little bit different, and while there is some flexibility, those statements can be very, very misleading. waiting it out can mean missing the golden window when the brain is most flexible, most available, most open. That that beautiful gift that God gave us in my own career. I first worked with toddlers and preschoolers who were already struggling, often labeled as sensory processing disorder. I saw hundreds of them. Many had trouble regulating their nervous systems. And when a child can't process this outside world around them, they're not available to acquire speech and language or even learn how to get along and play and share and wait their turn, all of that becomes an uphill climb. Now I wanna be very clear and, and I thought about this a lot. I am not saying those struggles were caused by moms who didn't comfort their babies well enough. The science is not settled on that. And honestly, the problem is it would be unethical to put babies and test them to prove when we comfort versus. Leave them and let them figure it out on their own. That's an almost impossible, research model. But what we do know from decades of observation and what we call empirical evidence is that being more attentive and responsive in those first nine to 12 months seem to reduce the chances of chronic dysregulation. And in my experience, it can lower the likelihood of things like poor attention, sleep disruptions, learning delays, and even certain social emotional difficulties. I learned this the hard way backwards really. I collaborated years and years ago with occupational therapists who specialized in sensory integration building on the work of Dr. Jean Errors, and I've mentioned her before. It was out there in la. And we were often co-regulating with these older kids after the fact, once the problem had already taken root in their systems. And that's when I started asking myself and others, what's causing this? H How do, how do we make it better? Or how do we get in front of it? Right? What are the missing or what are we missing in these earlier months and even earlier years? And over time as I worked with younger and younger children, I began to see the patterns years later. Right? It, it, it's like full circle. I came across that word exterogestation. And I thought, yep, okay, I get it. This seems true to me. Because that's exactly what I've been trying to articulate and, and express and share with parents mostly and colleagues, right? The mainstream science is finally catching up with what moms like you and clinicians like me have been working with for the last 20, 30, 40 years. That babies are born under construction and they need a lot of support in wiring and finishing the, the production, right? How we respond in those early days, wires everything that follows. So let's bring this a little closer to home. Building your child's brain isn't about early academics, and it's not about flashcards or memorizing this or, you know, drill, drill, drill. It's about creating a rich relational environment where the brain can wire naturally and fully to his or her most highest potential. So think of it like. Shared meals where conversation flows, right? Playing on the floor where children explore and practice and get responses with you in real time. Songs, rhymes, stories, all of your beautiful family routines, things that we talk about here all the time. These aren't extras, they're essentials. And I find, here's the good news, they're all within your reach. You don't need special equipment or pricey program. Nope. You need presence and purpose and playfulness. That's your curriculum. So let's summarize today's conversation. One, and I've said this for decades, probably. Brains are built, not born. Two babies are born under construction, right? That X row gestation reminds us. The first nine months after birth are just as important as the nine months before birth. Number three, babies are quote unquote, ripe for learning. God designed this window to be wide open for all of the necessary wiring. And four talking doesn't just happen. It's the product of attention and motor and cognition and connection, and a lot of practice. Number five, waiting it out is always risky. Responsiveness and purposeful engagement are key. Don't let them figure it out on their own. And then number six, you, the mama, the dad, the grandparents. You all are the primary builder. It's your voice, your presence, your connection that pulls it together. So for this week, your action step, pause and notice how much true engagement are you giving your child each day, no matter how old they are or where they are on this continuum, newborns, six months, 16 months, 36 months. And I want you to really be honest. It's not just caretaking, it's about real presence. Take bath time, take diaper, changes your meals, and turn them into rich connection moments. That's how brains are built. Your baby's brain, your toddler's brain, your preschooler's brain. So if you found today's episode helpful, I'd love for you to share with a friend who is in the thick of it and motherhood just like you. Because none of us are meant to figure this out alone. And if you want to dive deeper into creating a learning rich lifestyle for you and your toddler and your family, check out in the show notes, you'll find some resources, including my Tiny Challenge, a simple personalized way to get started exactly where you are. So thank you for spending your precious time with me today for opening your heart and being eager to find what's possible, right, for showing up each and every day for your little ones and knowing that this is on the job training and you've got this. So God bless you. I'll see you in the next episode of Talking Toddlers, and until then, get on the floor, play, sing, dance, scoot around, be present. God bless.