The Truth About Childhood — And Why Moms Are Leaving the Workforce Ep 118

Why are so many mothers leaving the workforce — and what does it mean for our children?

The Washington Post calls it “erasing pandemic gains.” 

But after 35+ years as a speech-language pathologist working with hundreds of families, I see something deeper: maybe these mothers are choosing to reclaim what matters most.

In this episode, I share two powerful family stories that illustrate the difference presence makes — one stretched thin and overwhelmed, the other grounded and intentional — plus the science that backs it up:

• Erica Komisar’s research on the first three years as a critical window for brain and emotional development.
• Head Start’s long-term studies showing short-term academic gains faded by third grade, while the strongest benefits were relational.
• Hart & Risley’s “30 million word gap” study — not just about word counts, but the quality of interaction, proving that presence and tone matter more than quantity.

We’ll talk about identity, vocation, and why women can have it all — just NOT all at the same time. And why childhood is too precious to rush.

👉 Read the original Washington Post article here: Mothers are leaving the workforce, erasing pandemic gains

✨ If this episode gave you something to think about, share it with a mom who needs encouragement today. 

And I’d love to hear from you — email me your thoughts or questions.

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contact@HyerLearning.com

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Podcast Disclaimer:
This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult your pediatrician or a qualified health provider with questions about your child’s development or health. The views shared are based on Erin Hyer’s professional experience and are intended to support informed parenting, not to replace individual consultation or care. Every child and family is unique—please use your discretion and consult trusted professionals when making decisions for your child.

Transcript

Erin: 0:00

We're told this early push will give them a'headstart.' That reading earlier is better. That structure makes them smarter, that the earlier they adapt, the better they'll learn how to comply. But what I see instead Hello and welcome to Talking Toddlers where I share more than just tips and tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. We're gonna cover all of that, but here our goal is to develop clarity because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction, to never give up, to tap into everyday activities, so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind, he's thriving. Through your guidance, we know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started. The Washington Post recently ran a headline: Mothers are Leaving the Workforce Erasing Pandemic Gains. Now, you know our culture loves a dramatic swing of the pendulum, either far left or far right, but the truth is human life, it's lived in the gray, in that fluid middle. So the question isn't just are moms in or out of the workforce? The real question is bigger. It is about our children, yes for sure. But it's also about mothers who are stretched too thin, doing double or even triple duty with very little left for themselves or their marriages. So in this episode, I want to explore what these headlines really mean for our kids, our moms, and for the health of our families. I wanna ask, how can we rediscover identity and vocation in a culture that too often misinforms or pressures us to prove ourselves. So, i'll be honest, this topic touches me deeply. I was once afraid of the commitment of motherhood; afraid of what it would demand of me. Because after decades of working with families, I couldn't deny children flourish when their mothers are present in those early years. So let me give you a picture of what this looks like in real life. I once worked with a family where the mom was a pediatrician. She was actually running an ER, pediatric unit at the hospital. She was brilliant, dedicated, but she worked long stretches- sometimes 24, 36 hours. And dad traveled for his work quite often, and even though he had a home office, his schedule was also very, very inconsistent. They had three great kids. The middle boy, let's call him Peter. He was struggling. He had sensory integration issues, slow language development, was truly a picky eater, frequent meltdowns, and significant sleep problems. This stretched the whole family. So like many families, they were told preschool would help, that he just needed more socialization and to be around kids his own age, that he would actually learn from other children- and that if he was put in this setting, it would smooth out all naturally. So what did they do? They, of course put him in almost full time. And yes, on the outside Peter did learn how to"behave" for certain stretches. And it was within that highly structured, fast pace setting that he, he learned the technique of acting as if he understood, and acting as if he enjoyed the moment. But he didn't really own it. There was no real deep learning or deep integration of these skills. Actually, it was quite the opposite. Every afternoon when he went home, the meltdowns escalated. He was exhausted, empty, truly spent, had nothing left because he took all of his mental, emotional energy to pretend, to keep it together in that environment where he didn't understand. Now, his parents were truly loving, they were committed, but they felt guilty and helpless. Totally confused. Even mom, a pediatrician told me that she felt like a complete failure. Now, let me contrast that situation with another family. This mom stayed at home with her five kids. Actually, when I first met them, they only had four. But her second child, let's call her Sarah. She too was sensitive, very withdrawn, and a significant delay in her language development. But mom chose to wait. She didn't put her in preschool until four, four and a half, and even then, it was just for a few mornings every week. Here's the difference. This mother had the time and presence to put the strategies we worked on in real time in practice at home. And because she understood the'WHY'. Why was she playing with Legos? Why was she doing dress up? Why was pulling her in the kitchen and getting Sarah engaged with prepping the meal? Why was that all important? This mom embraced those everyday routines as teaching moments. Sarah had space to grow. To practice skills in the safety of home long before venturing out into the busier world. Especially that busy, active, highly structured preschool setting. Sarah built confidence from the inside out. Now, don't get me wrong, both mothers were deeply concerned and both wanted the best for their children. But one was stretched so thin she couldn't provide the continuity for her son. He really, really desperately needed that. The other one was able to build a steady rhythm of reassurance, practice reinforcement, and, and her daughter thrived. This is the difference presence makes. And I've seen this pattern over and over again. Institutions can manage, but they can't nurture, and the research backs this up. A woman named Erica Komisar, a psychoanalyst and author, author of a book called"Being There" is very clear- the first three Years of life are a critical window for your child's brain growth and development, as well as their emotional security. And because of that, they're able to build more resilience. But the resilience doesn't come first. She says babies need their mothers-- not substitutes, not institutions, but their mothers, especially in those first thousand days. Let's not forget the history of Head Start. That was launched back in 1965 for children in poverty. The National Head Start Impact study, which was published in 2010, confirmed what decades of follow up revealed. Yeah, Head Start produced modest short term boost in preschool years, but by third grade, those cognitive gains had mostly faded. And yet still today, policy makers use those early findings to justify preschool for all children, across all populations. And yet the long-term research findings are consistent. And they state that the deepest benefits of Head Start weren't academic. They were relational with improved health, improved social connection, and stronger parent involvement. This is the key for parents- formal programs cannot replicate what daily connection and secure attachment at home provide. For some mothers leaving the workforce is not regression- it's reclaiming vocation. Let me take a moment and pause and define what I mean by INDENTITY and VOCATION. Identity is your"who". It's your values, your character, your beliefs. Vocation on the other hand, that's the"what", the purposeful work that flows out of that deep sense of self. So a career may be one form of vocation, but so is the sacred work of being a stay at home mom. And I think this is where our culture has gotten confused. Women have been told their worth comes from proving themselves in the workforce, or in what they produce out in the world. But your God-given identity is not about proving anything. It's about living from who you already are. Motherhood and family are not small roles. They are profound, vital, and defining for the health of our children and the health of our entire society. When mothers live out their identity in the home, it's not a lesser choice. It's often the highest calling of love and service. And the truth is research backs this up. You may have heard of the famous"30 Million Word Gap" it was a study by Hart and Risley. I've mentioned it here before, you know, last year or the year before. But it was a huge study that got a lot of recognition. It took place back in the 1990s. They followed families from different social and economic backgrounds and the initial findings they appeared quite striking. And I, again, was in the middle of it there in LA that they stated that by age three children in lower income families had heard about 30 million fewer words than children from higher income families. And everybody seemed to jump ahead and look at, oh, it's lower income versus higher income. But here's what often gets missed, and I've talked about this before. It wasn't just about class. Even the families in the middle and upper class- if the mother wasn't naturally talkative or if she didn't make a habit of narrating and engaging during everyday moments, her child heard far fewer words too. And even more important, I believe Hart and Risley later clarified that it's not just the number of words, it's the quality. So children thrive when mothers are emotionally present. When words are warm and expansive, they're inviting. That's what builds language. That's what I talk about here every single episode. That opportunity to be engaged with your, your primary caretaker, the woman who loves you the most- that builds the language and the thinking, and confidence. This updated research highlights the importance of conversational terms and parent child interaction rather than just the total number of words. We can't just collect the data. What's really going on underneath. This suggests a shift in focus from the simple word counts to the quality of meaningful communication. So let's be clear, that kind of interaction cannot be mass produced in an institutional setting. It happens in the one-to-one rhythms of daily life even the messy ones, at the kitchen table, on a walk, getting in and outta the car, during play. So I do want to defend mothers who are working outside the home. I've seen it, the exhaustion, the tears, the constant sense of failing at everything. And still the world tells mom they just need better childcare or better time management, or they need to lean in harder. Really? The system demands everything and really gives very little back to you. Even Head Start itself was never designed to replace a mother's presence. It was meant to fill gaps for families who were in poverty. Not to become a substitute, but to really help support the child who was in most need. And this is where I push back hard against the headline. The media says mothers are"erasing gains," but our promotions and paychecks, they're the only measure of progress. What about stronger children, healthier families? What about communities that are built on secure, resilient people? Careers can always be rebuilt, and I know there's a lot of pushback to that. But childhood cannot be rewound. Here's the part. Few want to say out loud. Schools and institutions are not developmentally healthy environments for very young children. They're designed for efficiency. They are designed for management- not flourishing. We're told this early push will give them a'headstart.' That reading earlier is better. That structure makes them smarter, that the earlier they adapt, the better they'll learn how to comply. But what I see instead is a fallout, increased anxiety, behavioral struggles, and true developmental delays. I've seen it for 35, 40 years, And I'll be talking more about this in upcoming episodes, what toddlers and preschoolers really need before pushed into academics like reading. And why homeschooling through kindergarten first grade, I believe may be the healthiest choice for many families. So this is what I do believe children need their mother's home for at least the first three years. And ideally, in my perfect world, that would run all the way through age five and perhaps better yet age seven. Because those are not extra years. They're the foundation building cognition, and emotion, and social skills, and then they're ready for academics. if we skip building that solid foundation, the structure will always be shaky. And I can tell you this with certainty. My entire career in early intervention has been about trying to go back and shore up that shaky foundation. That's what a significant number of so-called learning disabilities really are. Children struggling to retrofit skills that should have been built naturally in those early years. Presence in those first years isn't optional. It's the difference between constantly repairing later on or building strong from the start. Now, I know not every mother feels she can have that choice, and I'm not here to shame or condemn anybody. But if you do feel the tug. If you do have the possibility, I want you to pause, reflect, rethink, be intentional. Because while the world tells us- don't waste your college degree, your kids are resilient. Ah, don't worry, they all catch up on their own time. Yes, those workforce gains were real. You know, the degrees that we as women were allowed, the promotions, even the seat at the table, all of that was real. I get it. But we have to ask at what cost, because the titles and paychecks can never outweigh what's being lost in our children, our marriages, and the health of our families. Here's the truth. I believe this with my heart of hearts- women can have it all just not all at the same time. And I think that's okay. Life is lived in seasons- in that gray, messy middle. And in these early years, your presence is the greatest investment you can make. So yes. Mothers are leaving the workforce, but maybe just, maybe they're stepping into their greatest vocation. And remember, your identity isn't erased by staying home. It's revealed. So mom, if this episode gave you something to think about, please share it with another mom. Because you all, we all need encouragement every single day. That's how we spread this message. That's how we start these hard conversations. Presence matters. And I'd love to hear from you. Email me, ask me questions, make comments, disagree. That's okay. I read every single one. And don't miss the upcoming episodes where I do go deeper into what toddlers and preschoolers truly need long before academics- and why homeschooling through kindergarten, first grade, through that seventh birthday, ideally might be a healthier option than you've ever been told before. These episodes are part of a theme that I'm, I'm really diving into, leaning into- living intentionally, resisting cultural pressure, and building your child's foundation at home- with you. Also, if you're ready for a personalized next step- there's a link in the show notes for my TINY CHALLENGE. It's a one-to-one opportunity to help you focus on one specific challenge we can solve together. So as always, thanks for spending your precious time with me today, for being open to learning what's possible, and for showing up each and every day for your little ones. God bless you, and I'll see you in the next episode of Talking Toddlers.