When Screens Take Over: Why It Feels So Hard to Say No (and Why It Matters) Ep 106

Why is it so hard to set screen time boundaries with toddlers? 

Is it just modern parenting—or is there something bigger going on?

In this powerful first episode of our screen time mini-series, Erin walks you through the cultural shifts, industry influence, and developmental concerns that make screens a bigger issue than most parents realize. 

Drawing on insights from The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt, Erin challenges moms to be bold, clear, and proactive—starting now.

🎧 In this episode:

• The real reason screens feel “unavoidable”
• What’s happening to our kids—and why it starts earlier than you think
• How to stay strong in a culture that profits from distraction
• Practical encouragement to build better habits now—for fewer battles later

This isn’t about shame. It’s about clarity and courage. 

The toddler years are your moment to lead—and this episode will help you do just that.

====

CLICK HERE NOW - Tiny Challenge for Moms

Tiny Challenge—a short, focused 1:1 experience where you and I zoom in on one key challenge or desire in your parenting journey. 

40 mins / 5 days

We’ll uncover what’s working, what’s not, and map out simple next steps so you can feel more confident and connected—right away.

This is the kind of support I used to give every day in private practice—tailored, real, and rooted in 35 years of experience.

=======

Building Vocabulary Guide - get it NOW!

CONNECT WITH ERIN
contact@HyerLearning.com

www.HyerLearning.com

Transcript

Erin: 0:00

/Learning how to wait your turn, that's a challenge. Learning how to share toys, that's a challenge. Falling down and getting back up, challenging. That's not a flaw in development. It is development. That's exactly what we're designed to do, but when we rush in. Hello and welcome to Talking Toddlers where I share more than just tips and tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. We're gonna cover all of that, but here our goal is to develop clarity because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction, to never give up, to tap into everyday activities, so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind, he's thriving. Through your guidance, we know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started. Are you constantly wondering how much screen time is too much, or maybe you've thought, I know this isn't ideal, but I just need a break. You're not alone. Most moms today are asking the same questions. Screens have become so common, so accepted that questioning their role in our toddler's lives can feel almost radical. But here's the thing, I. If it feels hard to say no to screens, that's not a failure on your part. That's a sign that something bigger is going on. In this first episode of our screen time miniseries, I wanna help you see the full picture. Because this isn't just about screen times, it's about what kind of childhood you are creating in a culture that profits off of distraction. And as a mom, you are faced with hard decisions every single day around food play, sleep tech, and a whole litany of more topics. And we cover a lot of those here on this podcast. So let's be honest. We're all raising kids in a toxic, modern environment that is not child friendly. The powers that be are strong, dubious, and unrelenting. But you are not powerless, mom, they need you to stand firm. That's exactly what Jonathan Het dives into in his new book, the Anxious Generation. And here I have a copy, when you get a chance, take a look at it. He lays out the data behind the epidemic of rising anxiety. Depression and yes, developmental delays in children because screens play a major role across the board and across the ages. But here's what I want you to hear very clearly. You don't have to wait until there's a problem. This is your moment. These early years are when, patterns are formed, when your child's brain is developing, and it's when habits actually take root. And that's what we talk a lot about here, that you developing this beautiful child. Neurologically, physiologically, emotionally, it's hard now. Yes, I know you're in the thick of it, but it will be so much harder later if you ignore it. I assure you this isn't about guilt or shame. That is the last place I'm ever gonna go. This is about truth, it's about clarity, and it's about building courageous steps. You are in the best position to set the stage for your child's health, language, behavior, and relationships. And that starts with how we handle screens. So let's just dive in. Welcome back to Talking Toddlers. I'm Erin, your host, and whether this is your first episode or your 50th, I'm truly glad that you're here and I've been working with families for more than 35 years as a speech language pathologist and early interventionist, a mom, and now a passionate advocate. For prevention, and here's something I want every parent to walk away with. The screen time crises didn't start with TikTok. It started with toddlers sitting in high chairs watching cartoons while mom try to get dinner on the table. This is part one of a new three part series. How to navigate screen time in these early years, infancy up through age five. Typically, I stay focused in those first three years. You know it. But this is so important. We have to expand because preschool is critical. I. Today we're zooming out to look at the big picture with help from Jonathan Height's. Powerful book, like I mentioned, the the anxious generation. And if you've heard people say, oh, kids today are more anxious, they're distracted, they're dysregulated more than ever before in history. They're not wrong. But here's the thing we all need to talk about. Where does that start? And yes, the whole lockdown and pandemic and schools at home and home, at schools, all of that has become very, very mucky. So today, let's just kind of walk. Where are we today? Where are we wanting to go, and how do we build the life that we need and want? So height in, in his book, the Anxious Generation makes a strong case that Modern Childhood has moved indoors online and disconnected from real life. He actually has a term for it, and he calls it Play Deficit Now. If you've been here ever before, you'll know that this is what re resonates with me. I do believe that there's a play deficit, and I spend so much time encouraging teaching, modeling, shaping moms, dads, even grandparents, of how best to play and engage with your little ones. So think about. Your average toddler, their entire brain is still under construction. I've shared that phrase with you over and over again, but it's the truth that development happens through movement interaction. I. And sensory input. So that means that they require, in order to build that brain and, and blossom into the person that they're, they're meant to be, that they need to reach out and touch and climb. And explore and connect in order to wire those systems that then build that, that human body, right? Building the physical components of balance and coordination, and then the emotional regulation and the cognition and the language. All of this is built through movement engagement. Trial and error interfacing with this three dimensional world. But here's the thing, when screens take over, even in small doses, so just hear me out here. They push out real experiences. Here's a couple of things, and I know some of you are going to be stunned, but a 1-year-old. Doesn't need baby Einstein. A 2-year-old doesn't need Miss Rachel. I know, I know. Don't click off. This is real business. This is important to hear, and I just want you to continue to listen with an open mind and open heart and I'll, I'll justify my reasoning behind all of this, but your preschooler doesn't need an iPad at the grocery store just to keep him quiet either. So let's keep all of these things in the forefront so we can walk through this together. What they need, and I know many of you understand this, but I want you to, to embrace it and live it. What they need is you, your face, your voice, your time, and you're thinking, wow, that's a lot. And I don't know if I have enough to give. You will build the rhythm, you will find your flow in each and every day at all of these stages, three months, six months, one year, two year, three year and beyond. That's how their brains and their relationships are built. We talk about this a lot here and I, I'm now shining the light on how screens. All devices I'm talking about, all of them complicate their growth and wellbeing and, and I get it. I'm not pointing fingers. It's hard to get anything done when you have a toddler or two or three all under your feet. But every time we hand a device to avoid a meltdown or get a break. We're missing the opportunity for your child to actually develop tolerance for frustration, to build engagement with his immediate world, or to actually help him solve problems using his own brain. That's what a device interrupts. So when Height says, quote, real world play matters. I'm here to tell you, it starts now, not at kindergarten, not when they're ready, but from birth you might hear a lot of people push back. Well. There was panic with families, got their first television, and we all survived. We did just fine. I hear that a lot and yes, it's true. Tv, the family TV changed our family life and we can look back at the fifties, the sixties, seventies, and even up through the eighties and nineties, but let's be clear. We have never, ever faced anything like this before in human history. The television sat in the corner of a room. It had a clear on off switch. There were limits built in pauses, no on demand shows, and parents were still very, very much in charge. Then came the infamous handheld, portable, always on screens. Suddenly, it wasn't just watching, it was scrolling, swiping, getting rewarded, getting hooked. And the dopamine loops, you know how, how that feels. We've all been there and so I'm taking what we know as grownups that we can kind of joke, that we binge watch and that we get addicted to cat videos. I've been there, I get it. But I'm looking at your baby and your toddler and your preschooler that that beautiful brain that is just beginning to literally come online. No pun intended there, but think about it, that's not an accident. It's all by design to get each and every one of us addicted. And so it isn't just about more screen time, it's about a full on play deficit. Like Jonathan, he calls it. I love that phrase. Real play. Real movement. Real human connection. That's what I talk about here. All of that has been displaced. When we introduce screens to our kids and childhood is really suffering. As a result, we can see it. And so mom, here's what I want you to hear loud and clear. You don't have to choose between raising a tech savvy child and protecting their development. You can have the best of both worlds, but it takes awareness, diligence, courage, and clarity. You have to have a plan. You have to walk into this arena with some kind of strategy. And so that's what we're gonna cover here in this series, because I want you to at least be introduced to this information and the possibility of what you can create, and then you decide. Right. It's, it's full autonomy. I share my opinions, my experience, my research, and bring it to the table. And then you as a mother, as a father, and grandparents and family, you get to, to decide what's best for you. I. So back to his book Height, spends a lot of time discussing the impact of smartphones and social media on teen mental health. And yes, the data is staggering. So again, I, I highly recommend you to look at this and I'm sure he's on YouTube doing his, his tour for the book, and you can get a good glimpse of what he's, he's going to cover, but. As someone like me who's worked with hundreds and hundreds of very young children, I wanna highlight what I see before middle school. that those toddlers who barely make eye contact, there's a lot of different reasons why they're not connecting with us, and screen time is a big piece of it. Whether you think they're, they're on track or not on track, having and holding and understanding eye contact, connecting with other humans in their environment, that is pivotal to health and learning. The 2-year-old with fewer than 20 words, why is he in front of a screen all the time? We have to look at that. One of the first things I always ask a family is, tell me about his play. Tell me about his sleep. Right? Because screen times interfere with sleep time as well. And then when we look at preschoolers, who can swipe a screen, but they can't listen and follow simple two-step directions, we're in trouble there. And we have to peel back each and every layer, and we have to look at the, the entire environment, right? Like I always say here, nutrition and sleep and his interaction time, his playtime, can he play by himself and entertain? all of these things, poor eye contact, slow speech and language, difficulty following directions, or tolerating a story or engaging, you know, with other peers, guess what they all have in common. Typically, passive screen exposure, often starting in infancy. And that's the key word there. It's passive. When you engage with your little one, it's, it's real time. It's three dimension. They get to have input and respond, and you get to have input and respond in real human connection time. We used to think that having the background TV was just harmless. Now we know it literally competes with parent talk and interactions, reducing the number of words a child can hear in any given day by 90%. So if we just simply have a TV on the background or turned on in the background, that noise, it reduces everybody's connection. But when you're home alone or your nanny, or your babysitter, or your, your grandparent or whomever is helping raise this beautiful child, turn that off. and we used to hand a phone to a toddler and a shop shopping cart and think, ha, it's harmless. It's just now for a few minutes. But those moments stack up day after day, month after month, and they add up to something much more serious. That's that under stimulation of key brain systems. Because here's the science, and I talk a lot about this here, but I just wanna paint this picture. Language development relies on reciprocity, a feedback loop. Your baby babbles, you respond, they babble. Again, you respond, whether it's verbal or nonverbal with a smile, or you imitate them or you give them a wink or you. Even kiss their belly. The whole give and take. When they vocalize, you respond. That's that back and forth. That's what builds prevo. Vocabulary and vocabulary. That's what builds attention and the precursors to turn taking. It also builds emotional security. Screens break that cyclical loop. They create a one-way input system, right? A, a one-way input system instead of what we as humans need a two-way interaction. A, and a lot of this is kind of common sense, I get that, but I again wanna paint this picture and put it all together. So when you decide each and every day how you're going to carve up your time, you'll have this information to help you make the best, healthiest choices. And here's the key, because sometimes we forget to turn the page over. It's not just your child's screen distracting parents or babysitters or teachers or grownups of any sort, or we are on our phone that interrupts the same feedback loop. There's a disconnect. I call it like these micro disconnections. And I remember studies coming out in the bigger cities, the metropolitan areas, New York City and Boston.'cause I've, you know, lived on the east coast for a long time now. But the, the number of emergency visits by, by accidents, by someone pushing a baby on a stroller, but they're looking at their phone, they. Bump into a tree or they fall off the curb or they twist their ankle because they're not paying attention. And I remember reading article after article about this, thinking that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. But then you go to these cities and you look around and we get caught doing it too. So, no, it's not about banning all devices or being a perfect parent. I'm not saying that, it's really, really important that we make some kind of choice, That we need to recognize screens, rewire early development. It, it actually wires. Early development, poorly. It doesn't even rewire it because they're so ripe. They're so, they're so open and ready to absorb whatever interaction that you give them, right? That's that neuroplasticity that the brain will wire and rewire itself based on its life experience. So before most parents even realize what's happening, you are, you are building that, that system to want that dopamine hit based on a simple little screen.

20:42

So I just wanna take a quick minute here. If this episode, this topic has got you thinking, wow, I didn't realize how much screen time could shape my child's development. But you're kind of unsure where to begin. I've got something that I'm introducing brand new today. It's called The Tiny Challenge. It's a simple one-to-one experience where you and I get together and tackle one specific concern or question you have around any topic. But screen time is a great place. To start, it could be about routines or your toddler's day-to-day life. And so in just a few days, in five days, that's why it's called a tiny challenge. You can begin to feel clearer, more confident, and really much more connected to what you're doing, what parenting choices you're making, and how this is affecting your day-to-day life and your toddler's success. check in the show notes down below we can start one small step at a time and you can make a big difference. So it's called The Tiny Challenge for Moms. let's think about what can we do in five days together. now we'll just jump back into the topic of this big picture with how screens are impacting your precious babies, toddlers, and preschoolers. It's also impacting you and me and anybody in between. So let's jump back into today's introduction to this three part series.

Erin: 22:26

So one of the key elements that I got from the anxious generation book was. That resilience doesn't come from lectures, right? It comes from doing hard things and figuring out what you, that you can survive through them, right? That real life struggle. Builds resilience. And again, this isn't really new science or new information. We know that 80 20 rule, right? That we need a lot of repetition 80% of the time to master something, to become more fluent, that to build that automaticity. And then we need a challenge. So if you think about toddlerhood. it's all full of struggles and challenges. Everything's new to them, right? Learning how to wait your turn, that's a challenge. Learning how to share toys, that's a challenge. Falling down and getting back up, challenging. That's not a flaw in development. It is development. That's exactly what we're designed to do, but when we rush in. With a screen. Every time things get a little prickly, every time they cry or complain, or worse yet, quote unquote, get bored. We're teaching the opposite of resilience. We're teaching them escapism, right? We're literally teaching them how to escape how to disengage. Now, please, I know no one means to do this. I do. I know it, but it's happening over and over and over again, and I've had the experience to look at how kids were raised in the eighties and the nineties, and then when the smartphone, quote unquote smartphone came along in 2006, 2007. And even though that there were a lot of other handheld devices, it was still a little cumbersome, right? When you had an iPad or you had a kid pad, right? They had these special devices to put on the train or the plane or the car or whatever, travel, and I got all of that. But as soon as that smartphone went into your back pocket or your handbag, it was easy access 24 7. So I just wanna help parents see how small moments like getting a toddler comfortable with boredom and giving them time to figure out something to do. Actually builds internal strength. Screens offer the illusion of peace, but real peace comes from growing a child's inner capacity to cope, to wait, to connect, to recover, to share, to explore. Resilience is built through real life, not pixels. And I think I even got that out of his book, but I thought, oh, that was brilliant. And here's a quick story. A mom that I worked with had a three-year-old, and I think she even had a newborn who would, when I first met them, come in screaming every time and she would say, you know. I just can't take it anymore. I have to give her some kind of, you know, screen in the car because once I buckle her in, she just has an, an emotional meltdown. and it, you know, started with a five minute car ride and, and just to quiet him down. But it doesn't take long. It takes a less than a handful of times that he or she, that toddler, that baby even expects it. And so when I kind of walked her through some steps that we could pull back and teach her, help her learn how to tolerate being in the car with perhaps a toy or a book or better yet, just look out the window, it took time, it took patience, and mom had to. Really structure and practice, go around the block twice, So the child could then reduce the tantrums and the screaming, and then they could just jump in the car. It usually takes three to five times. That's usually the benchmark that you can really change a, a young child's habit or expectation in just a handful of quote unquote. Practice trials right. But I've done this numerous times. And the flip side, and this is again, a different conversation, is the screens, but also the, the snacks. I am not a snack person. I, I don't like eating in the car or any of those kinds of things. But I also think that that has become. A really, really common habit. And so we can look at both of those habits or behaviors in the car, especially as something that you mom, you dad, and grandparents have a choice and that you can reshape that if you so choose. Right. But the other side to, you know, back to this little three-year-old and a lot of other families, I said, that's a great time in the car to sing songs, to ask questions. To, play a lot of little kid games. I know I did this over and over and over again with my daughter. It's also when you stop at a stoplight to take notice of things around you. It's situational awareness. There's so much that can be used in that car time. and we'll, we'll talk about specifics in future episodes, but I just wanted to really highlight, zoning in on how we can build more resilience and help little kids really learn how to expand that, that muscle, So I know that parenting today is no joke, and, and I, again, I've, I've watched it from the eighties on up and then compare it to my childhood. Every decade there's a whole new list that we have to face, that we have to figure out. And so it's not about perfection. I'm here to really focus in on how can we, we prevent issues snowballing into behavioral challenges, learning issues, family struggles, right? Life is complicated enough. We don't wanna add layer upon layer of additional challenges and, and power struggles, and there's a lot of noise everywhere. Advice from Instagrammers and pressure from other family members, and the fatigue is real, is very, very real and heavy. I get it. I see it with all of my families. No matter where you live or how many kids you have, it's exhausting. And so I want to encourage each and every one of you to stop chasing perfection. Or unrealistic expectations and to start really stepping in and choosing prevention. What if instead of asking, am I doing this right, quote unquote, you ask, is this helping my child build a strong foundation? What if you believe that your presence imperfect, but real? Your company, your companionship is exactly what your toddler needs because that's what I believe. That's what, 35 plus years on the floor, working, playing, engaging with little ones and their families. Study and study and reading and reading, trial and error. That's what I have learned. That's what. that's the primary thing that I take from all of that, that your presence I've shared this before in the past and, and I've had a couple of good friends over the years that I ended up working with their kids in therapy. And this one guy said to me once, it's not that therapy is all that technical or. Or even magical, right? There's nothing really, it's not like I'm doing a surgery or it's not like I'm even doing stitches on a human body. I'm playing, I'm engaging with a child. But what works in a therapy clinical setting is that I bring a child in a little playroom, right? Is she's really small, uncluttered. I've pre-selected toys that he or she likes, right? Her high interest things. And I'm in it with them for 45 minutes. I play with them, I talk with them, I respond to them. I get them to want to be in it with me. And that's why therapy works. And yes, I know the nuances. I know if a child really isn't making too many different sounds, then we're going to wanna step back. I'm not gonna. Overreach and expect him to imitate real words. I'm going to make it simple, right? Play with animal sounds, environmental sounds. I, I know how to navigate those elements better than say, you know, the average adult out there. But the truth is, it's really. Working because they know they have my undivided attention for 45 minutes, that this is special time for them, and they step into it, they rise to the occasion. That's why therapy works. So. So just to move on to what's next in this series, in part two, we're gonna get a little more practical. What are healthy screen time boundaries in those early years? And how do we say no when everybody else in your world is saying yes and what's realistic? When you mom, most of the time, are home all day with your toddler, sometimes you have two or three kids. And then as we move into part three. I'm gonna walk through what we do instead of screens.'cause that's the biggie, right? How do we build a home filled with play and purpose, connection, even in those hard moments? I want you to think about this. Going forward, you are in the middle of it. You are just stepping into this decision making you get to choose. Talk it over with your partner, talk it over with other family members. Ask your friends. you can be in it to together. You don't need a screen to raise a smart, strong, emotionally curious and healthy little kid. You need intention, you need a plan. You need your presence, and you need the truth. And here I'm trying to give all of those to you.

33:57

I know this episode might feel like. A tough love talk, but you're here and that means that you care deeply. And so once again, if you are thinking I wanna make a change, but I don't know how, or if I could stick with it, then the tiny challenge I introduced earlier in this episode is your next best right step. You and I can work together one-on-one. Identify the biggest screen time stressor in your home or any other big issue you might be facing, but one challenge at a time. And then we'll craft a simple, doable plan that works for you, your little one, your entire family. I've done this kind of work for decades and now I'm bringing it straight to you, mom, right in your listening ear. once again, the link is down below in the show notes and just check it out. Tiny Challenges because a tiny shift can really lead to big, big results. So thanks again for spending your precious time with me and I'll see you in the next talking Toddlers. God bless, take care.