Part 2: Gentle Parenting: Why Milestones Matter

This episode is Part 2 of our deep dive into ‘Gentle Parenting Trends’—and why social media doesn’t always model the best examples for real-life parenting. 

If you haven’t listened to Part 1 yet, I highly recommend starting there first! 

In that episode, I covered the first two key developmental stages:

✅ 12-18 months – The early stages of independence, how cause-and-effect learning is still concrete, and why emotional development starts with attunement from infancy... but it's up to us to shape it.

✅ 18-24 months – The beginning of boundary testing, the emerging nature of language, and why expecting toddlers to understand ‘why’ or ‘how’ questions is unrealistic.

👉 Listen to Part 1 here: CLICK NOW

Now, in Part 2, we’re tackling the third stage—ages 2 to 3 years—when social and emotional awareness starts to develop. 

This is when impulse control begins to emerge as the prefrontal cortex slowly comes online.

But here’s the reality: this part of the brain won’t fully mature until adulthood, so expecting self-regulation at this stage is not realistic.

However, there are things we can do to support—or unintentionally inhibit—this process. 

In this episode, I’ll break down:

✔️ How to guide your toddler through impulse control challenges
✔️ What lifestyle changes can strengthen (or weaken) self-regulation
✔️ Why social media ‘gentle parenting’ scripts often set parents up for frustration

Let’s cut through the confusion and focus on what truly helps your toddler thrive!

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Transcript

Erin: 0:00

But the reality is that the influencers on social media unfortunately distort these concepts, Often leaving you feeling confused, overwhelmed. And even paralyzed with an indecision, like who do I follow? Who's right? Who's wrong? What team should I sign up for? And I'm sure you're asking, do I never say no to my kid? If my toddler does melt down, am I supposed to just sit there and let them wallow in it? And if I do set a boundary, will that scar them for life? I mean, these are questions I see online all the time. And through my experience hello, and welcome to Talking Toddlers, where I share more than just tips and tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. We're going to cover all of that, but here, our goal is to develop clarity. Because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction, to never give up, to tap into everyday activities so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind. He's thriving through your guidance. We know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started. This episode is part two of my deep dive into. gentle parenting trends from last week. more specifically, I started talking about how social media often misrepresents what's actually appropriate for your toddler development. So if you haven't had a chance to listen to last week's episode yet, I highly recommend that you go back and start there where I cover the first. two key developmental stages. So I broke them down into these, three different ages. I started with 12 months to 18 months when toddlers begin exploring their independence, but still rely heavily on you for guidance. And then one key cognitive skill in this age range is really using cause and effect. To learn in real time, which, which at this stage between 12 and 18 months is still very, very concrete. And it really does stay at that concrete learning up through that third birthday. So the key that I referenced last week was really we shouldn't rush this process. Then I cover that 18 to 24 month age range, when language starts to truly emerge, they're, they're moving from a handful of words to really putting thoughts together, nouns and verbs and all of that. True comprehension and true reasoning skills are still quite limited. And that's why when I see those gentle parenting scripts, why did you do that? Or how do you think Johnny feels? They simply don't align with where any healthy average capable toddler actually are on these developmental cognitive skills. They don't understand the why or the how, or those higher order thinking questions. So it's not that we don't teach them the meaning of Gentle hands or that we don't help them understand the difference between an inside voice and an outside voice. But it takes a lot of practice and a lot of repetition. So if you haven't listened to last week's, please go back And I'll have the link down below so that that'll be easier for you. But today we're moving into the third stage that ages from two to three, that second birthday to the third birthday, where social and emotional awareness is just beginning to take shape. This is where. Your impulse control, which is what we're really talking about, starts to come online, but it's just beginning to percolate. And it's all about that prefrontal cortex. And if you have older kids or a teenager, or you've done any kind of real deep dives, I'm sure you've heard that term prefrontal frontal cortex, but let's be clear. This part of the brain, that frontal lobe, won't fully mature until well into their 20s. 25 give or take for the girls out there and 29 to 30 for the boys. And I talk a little bit in today's episode of why that is and we will continue in that conversation. But expecting Perfect or near perfect, or even consistent self regulation with a two year old, let alone an 18 month old or even a brand new three year old is really unrealistic. But, as always, there are things that we can do to support this learning process. But there's also things, the flip side to all of that, that can be unintentionally. Inhibiting their growth in these areas. And that's what we're going to dive into today. The, second half of this overall gentle parenting trend out there so now let's take a look at this third growth stage right that two to three year old where they're really growing both socially and emotionally through Increased awareness. And again, they don't necessarily understand how to control it but they're becoming much more aware of themselves and others. So along with this, they have more. emotional expressions, which can be both positive and negative. They also have more interest in social interactions, right, as they approach that third birthday especially, they're much more interested in other kids and trying to play with them, but they're still not socially mature yet, and so they need a lot of supervision. And I'm always quite surprised that parents and caregivers and educators will let three year olds try to navigate the social arena fairly independently. And I don't think that, we have to hover over them, but we have to understand that there are so many variables involved and that we want to. if it's just one other child, okay, you can deal with it. And if you know that other child's temperament and style, and if it's, early in the day and the situation is, is positive, then you can kind of let them figure it out on their own. But like I said earlier, every child is, is different too. So boys tend to be a little bit more rough and tumble than girls, I think it's important that we understand. Who we're dealing with and what this situation is. So keep in mind that two to three year old can now follow two to three step directions, but the impulse control is still developing. So they can, get their shoes and meet you by the front door, Or they could just throw their shoes toward the front door and then run around and laugh at themselves.

7:48

Having fun at your expense, yes, but they're truly living in the moment while testing their independence, testing the boundaries, as well as testing their own aim. This is what it means to be a true toddler living in the moment, understanding bits and pieces of your spoken language and your emotional needs to get ready and get out the door. But they, interpret it very differently than you and I.

Erin: 8:20

Right? Right? So. This whole impulse control really just starts to come online as they approach that third birthday and it will continue to grow and develop and expand through their teen years and through young adulthood. And we, we know this, that prefrontal cortex really is maturing and growing up until, 25 years of age for most girls. And then. 29 to 30 years old for most young men. So the role of that prefrontal cortex is really impulse control. It helps regulate impulses that helps build emotions and stability across emotional feelings. And it also helps with decision making. But all of this is highly, highly under construction, especially as a toddler. even, a two and a half and a three year old might know on a pragmatic level, that they shouldn't grab a toy from another person, but the brain isn't mature enough to stop them before they do it, right? They're living in that moment and they see Johnny with their favorite truck and they're just gonna go over and take it. So it's not defiance. It's not being, unkind and all of those other words that we tend to use. It's really a work in progress. it's our job to help shape that. And so let me just walk through some pretty concrete things that we know will help build that impulse control. good sleep. For example, supports brain function, supports memory, emotional regulation. You and I both know that if we have a good night's sleep, we're a much more calm and relaxed or much more open to listening and being patient. good nutrition. We all now know, or at least we're beginning to become more and more aware of how our whole food industry is not necessarily conducive to good, healthy brain development. Food is the fuel for brain growth. It builds neurotransmitters. It builds our energy. It connects our physical growth with our mental and cognitive growth. So nutrition, if your, if your child is slowly but surely becoming a picky eater, he's going to have a lot more of these emotional dysregulated movements or, periods, right? Also, we know what helps build impulse control is lots of good gross motor and fine motor, a lot of play. A lot of opportunity to engage with his environment. It builds that connection being body and brain. And, and we know this for sure, right? we know that, children who have a lot more space to move around and, and other kids or other adults to play with them. For certain periods of time, not 24 seven. I'm not suggesting that, but that human connection is part of it. And that's, the other piece. Meaningful engagements, right? And human connection that strengthens that emotional regulation, not only by us demonstrating, but they're getting in sync with other humans, that they're not just in the moment with themselves and being self absorbed, although. I still attest to the fact that two year olds don't necessarily need a lot of social engagement, right? They don't need a daycare. They don't need to be around other kids. They're just now beginning to get aware that, Oh, that two year old is a lot like me. It's interesting. Perhaps they'll run up to them, give them a hug. And, but then they don't know what to do with them, right? And so I think playdates are really important, but you mom, you dad, you grandparents are Are the directors of that and, and we can certainly talk about what a good play date looks like and, and what kids need, but good sleep, good nutrition, lots of movement and play, good, meaningful engagements and connections can really help build that impulse control from the bottom up. The opposite, of course, makes sense, would inhibit, impulse control, So if you have a lot of dysregulated or interrupted sleep leads to being cranky, poor focus, emotional dysregulation. Again, these are true for adults, teenagers, and your toddlers. A diet that is high in ultra processed foods, they have artificial dyes, a lot of sugar crashes, the lack of brain building nutrients. We know a lot of healthy fats like avocado and eggs and pasture raised butter. All of these healthy fats really help the neural connections, build the myelin sheath around these neurosynapses and fire down the line. we know that also eating on the run can really limit the connections it interferes with mindful eating, and I've talked a lot about this before, building a healthy relationship around food is, is part of this, but also having that connection with other people to share food with, it builds, healthy digestion. And even if we're eating healthy food, but we're eating it on the run, then our body can't rest and digest and really. Then begin to absorb those nutrients that we're trying to put in them. And so it's really important that, and I, I've talked a lot about that here, and I will continue, especially as 2025 begins, or, continues to unfold, is that eating on the run is not good for anybody, you, me, the teenagers, and our toddlers. also the other thing that really. Interferes or inhibits with impulse control is too much sitting and it could be in front of screens and you all know how I feel about that. But we can talk about that. Um, but you know, too much car seats. too much indoor, too much limited, free open space. And, and that's the fifth one of lack of sunlight and fresh air, but limited free movement, Much sitting leads to poor sensory integration. We need to build fine motor and gross motor skills and And connect that with our central nervous system also too much indoors really reduces social learning. it's a process to learn how to play with others, We need to look at how much time do we really get outside whether it's winter or summer or if it's rainy or cold or warm, we need sunlight and I've talked a little bit and I certainly will talk more and more about how lack of sunlight really disrupts our circadian rhythm and every single cell in our body has like a little clock that is regulated, but the main clock is right behind our, our vision, our eyes. And, if you want to dive deep into this, you can listen to, a neuroscientist named Andrew Huberman, the Huberman lab. I'll have a link down below. But he's, you know, by studying his work, I've learned a lot and a lot of us have. He's been around for a long time and has a wonderful, wonderful YouTube channel and just gives a lot of free content that is really spot on, but it also reduces It reduces the lack, or reduces the natural dopamine release in our, in our whole system. And not to do a deep dive into dopamine, but dopamine is this multifaceted neurotransmitter that influences a variety of aspects of our brain function. you probably heard the term dopamine before, but it really does. help regulate the reward system, right? We get dopamine hits when we do a lot of social media. We get, a lot of dopamine hits when you give your, baby and your toddler a high five or a kiss or a good job or a cheerlead. Those are dopamine hits. Right. But when we move our body in space, when we physically exert ourself by climbing up stairs or rolling down a hill or rough and tumble play, all of that helps us fire dopamine into our nervous system. Uh, it builds attention. Dopamine helps us with sustained attention to sit and listen to a story, to sit and follow directions, to learn how to play a game. It builds our moon. mood regulation and our cognitive growth and development. So the whole idea about lack of sunlight and lack of fresh air, no matter where you live in this world is becoming a very interesting and popular topic because like I've said, this modern world we humans haven't changed that much, but our living style has. So back the turn of the 19th century, I think we spent 87 percent of our time outside, right? We were farmers, we were, outdoorsmen, and kids got to play and, be a little bit more free and rambunctious. And now it's reversed, right? 93 percent of our day is spent inside with artificial lights. And, you know, very controlled environment. So just think about some of these statistics. The average American child spends about seven hours a day in front of a screen, and that would cover any type of screen, the flip side is the average American child spends four to seven minutes a day on average outside in unstructured play. And you heard that correctly, four to seven minutes outside in unstructured play compared to seven hours in front of a screen. Compare that to what I just said, where we used to spend nearly 90 percent of our time outside. Now, based on healthy development and what our body needs, what our mind and our social emotional skills need, Recommendations currently are suggesting, strongly suggesting, if I might add, at least three hours a day of outside play. Because if you look at these numbers, seven hours a day means that's 1, 200 hours a year. And if you divide that, that's 50 days a year out of 365 days a year, 50 days from top to bottom, is actually Spent in front of a screen, not just inside, but in front of a screen. So just consider some of that as you're setting up your days, as you're setting up your routine, as you're setting up your expectations of what kind of family life do I want to create for me and my partner and my children? How do we really want to nourish ourselves mentally, physically, spiritually? Cognitively, all of that. And in future episodes, I'll talk about why it's good for kids to learn how to be bored, as well as how do we play games together inside the house and outside the house. And we'll really talk about what are healthy expectations for quote unquote play dates. How do, how do I structure that for my toddler at two and three and even four, which is. Truly a preschool age, but all of this is really important to consider as you build this lifestyle because that's what you're doing as a new mom or as a second time around mom and you can always step back and say, okay, let's readjust. Let's look at this seven hours a day in front of a screen. Is that really how I want to spend my day? Let my child, my innocent child who needs to grow and learn and explore this world, in front of a screen? Hmm, maybe not. it's not that modern day life is bad. It's just that it's not necessarily supportive of our, of building a healthy impulse control. Because if you look at disrupted sleep, highly processed food, eating on the run, sitting around too much, too much screen time, lack of sunlight, lack of fresh air, that's modern life. And it interferes with building this self regulation, this impulse control, this frontal lobe. And, I want to be perfectly clear, Mama. I want you to know that you're not failing your kids. When they struggle. You're simply raising kids in a world that makes it very very difficult to build these things NATURALLY, and that's why we have to be INTENTIONAL. That's why we have to be purposeful That's why we have to be more Present and that we can't necessarily just assume they'll figure it out or they'll RIGHT the ship or all kids do this. This is the new normal. Get used to it. You can take that perspective, but I don't think you want the outcome of that because I know you wouldn't be listening to someone like me or following information like this of how you can stay ahead of it. And how you can keep them on track and keep them healthy and keep them thriving to the best of their potential. I think at the end, that's what we all want. I mean, no one wants to say, yeah, I want my 10 year old to be miserable. And, have poor impulse control. Of course not. That's ridiculous. and I know it's a hard dance because on one end, I say, Yeah, they have to struggle. They have to work a little bit. That's what makes us stronger. That's how learning works. We learn through our mistakes and our trials and our errors. But at the same time, we want them to know that we've got their back. That a little struggle is okay and it's not going to break you, but it's a little sweat along the way. A little disappointment is God's design, right? Otherwise we'd all kind of be in heaven and everything would be hunky dory and it'd be easy peasy and smooth. That's not how this world works. So the bottom line regarding impulse control, we have to look at it as a slow developing skill. It's not an on off switch. And this modern world makes it harder to develop. And like I said earlier, and I'll continue to repeat this, that we as humans, our biology really hasn't changed. The outer world has changed, right? We have to deal with screen time and Indoor time and artificial lighting, processed foods, lack of movement, all of these things. We're learning to navigate and we have to talk about it because we're all in the same boat. We're all struggling to figure out how do we do this without losing our mind and Build a healthy home life, a lifestyle with our children that we all grow and learn and thrive and become the best version of ourselves. So toddlers, your little ones need your guidance, need structure and patience to develop self regulation. I know this is common sense. I know you know this on an intellectual level, right? It's not that complicated to figure out. This whole episode is around how social media is pushing, quote unquote, trends that don't necessarily support realistic expectations. Right? Over these Past several years, perhaps even the last decade, parenting trends like gentle parenting have exploded on social media. You know this, I know this. And while some aspects, like respecting your child and guiding them with, Empathy are rooted in very good intentions and for me to go back and do a deep dive and look at these three main voices, I saw a lot of really, really good information. But the reality is that the influencers on social media unfortunately distort these concepts, Often leaving you feeling confused, overwhelmed. And even paralyzed with an indecision, like who do I follow? Who's right? Who's wrong? What team should I sign up for? And I'm sure you're asking, do I never say no to my kid? If my toddler does melt down, am I supposed to just sit there and let them wallow in it? Or how do I naturally guide them out? And if I do set a boundary, will that scar them for life? I mean, these are questions I see online all the time. And through my experience, my 35 plus years, really is that parenting isn't picking a program or a methodology. Yes, we need to look at parenting style. That's on us, not on our children. I think parenting is more of, how do I build a relationship with my little one? and I think the more we keep it simple, uncomplicated, natural, use your common sense based on some basic human developmental milestones that are pretty well known, pretty well established, you have wiggle rooms within these boundaries. know, my main message here on Talking Toddlers is really about simplicity and being intentional in your parenting and, and realizing that each phase brings more challenge, of course, but also brings opportunity for you to build this relationship. And so the more that we understand these developmental milestones, these markers, use them as guideposts, then the more realistic we all can be. And, and so we don't need a trend and, you know, I do understand. A lot of this started or a lot of you online are saying I don't want to be parented like I was parented. Okay, great. And so that helps us be more purposeful, more intentional, more compassionate, more realistic. But you don't need to sign up and learn scripts or let them figure it out on their own. I've never subscribed to that, right? And then you don't need to overcompensate and give them timeouts at two and think about your actions and how do you think Johnny felt and I've told you 14 times not to throw food on the floor. None of that. registers with a 24 month or even a three year old. So, as a conclusion, as a conclusion, really, the more you understand developmental milestones, like I said, don't push trends, be careful, create some healthy boundaries at home. Your child needs structure and routines. Not open ended, figure it out, or, my way or the highway, right? It's that living in that gray area. Be intentional and present, like I always say here, that your presence teaches them much more than any script. Or a parenting hack, right? We can do biohacking, right? for ourselves. You know, do we fast? Do we, work out three times a week? Or four times a week, What about cold plunge? those are biohacks, that's cool. But a parenting hack, not so much. model. How to act with others and, and I have a future episode about how to teach early board games and how much turn taking and waiting and patience and sequencing and all of that can be built into simple, simple board games. But children learn by watching us, right? And like I commented earlier as they approach that second birthday, they will often model what has happened to them. Like, give you a hug or pat your hand. if they're seeing somebody else is uncomfortable or sad. And so that's the, the beginnings of empathetic emotional response, right? But to establish routines that I talk a lot about here, that's going to help. And those, uh, those routines are centered around sleep routines, the bookends, nutrition. You sit down like a family and, and share this meal, fix it together, eat it together and clean up together. A lot of movement, a lot of rough and tumble play, right? All of that helps shape brain development so they can connect. So now at three, they're much more available to learn and then really nurture their unique personality. Again, you're looking at these milestones as, as these benchmarks. And so there's a lot of wiggle room in this personality. So not every child is the same, but that doesn't mean that you just let them be either honor who they are while you set firm foundations. So my call to action for all of you, if you have a question regarding. any of these social trends, or your child in particular, email me. I have that email down below contact HYER learning, HYER is my last name, h y e r. I love to hear from moms and grandmoms. Grandmoms, a lot of grandparents reach out to me, I know that you want to stay ahead of it. I know you want to keep your child on track. I know you're imagining that seven year old and eight year old and 10 year old just thriving, independent, curious, eager, right? To be a part of the family, to be a part of the community. But share this episode with a fellow mom, someone that I know, you know, that you talk about, oh my gosh, what do I do? How do, how do I keep up with this beautiful toddler of mine? Right? But you're feeling overwhelmed and the social media parenting trends are not helpful. It just feeds into the noise and the clutter and the overwhelm. But most importantly, Be still find time in your day early early in the morning at night when they finally go down But listen to that internal voice Because I believe that God has equipped you as their mother. You don't need a program. You don't need a method You need to trust yourself trust in your child trust the natural wisdom of parenting and I and I know it's It's overwhelming and it's exhausting, but it's not complicated, right? Respect where they are. These developmental milestones are just, a few pages of information that helps you differentiate speech and language and motor skills and social communication when they're two compared to when they're three. Because there's a huge growth spurt in that 12 month period. And so these are just markers that you can have in your back pocket at the same time that you're building that relationship. You're learning how they tick. You're learning how their emotional expression, you know, some kids are more emotional. Some kids are less emotional. You know, I was blessed. I had a pretty stable young girl. I mean, she was steadfast and liked routines. Enjoyed playing, built independent skills naturally, and I have said over and over and over and over again, a lot of it was just how she was wired, how she came into this world. It was how God designed her with intention, because prior to that I had been with hundreds and hundreds of kids. I had been a speech language pathologist and a practicing clinician for. Uh, 14 years before I had Maura. And so I knew how they're, they're special, they're unique and that we respect that. And I knew that if I had a son, it would be strikingly different than if I had a daughter. And my whole point here is. Listen to your internal voice. You have a lot of wisdom in there. And, and sometimes just being present, being in the moment, making those mud pies, sharing an apple together, uh, blowing bubbles in the bathtub. Whatever the deal is, be there with them and that will build their wiring system, their communication, their connection, their humanness. And you've got this. And I'll be here to guide you along the way. Reach out to me if you have a question. God bless and I'll see you in the next episode. Take care.