"Gentle Parenting" vs. Reality: What Actually Works for Toddlers (Part 1 of 2)

Are social media’s parenting trends helping—or hurting—new moms? 

Over the last few years, parenting trends like ‘Gentle Parenting’ have exploded on social media. 

While some aspects—like respecting your child and guiding them with empathy—are rooted in good intentions, the reality is that many influencers distort these concepts, leaving parents confused, overwhelmed, and even paralyzed by indecision.

Many moms today are questioning:
🌀 “Should I never say no?”

🌀 “If my toddler melts down, am I supposed to just sit with them forever?”

🌀 “If I set a boundary, will that harm our connection?”

🚨 The truth is: Parenting isn’t a program. It’s a relationship. 🚨

And that’s why we need to keep it simple.

In this episode of Talking Toddlers, we cut through the noise of Gentle Parenting and get back to what really matters: understanding child development. 

We break down the toddler years (12 months to 3 years) and why milestones are more than just checkboxes—they’re the foundation for setting healthy boundaries, guiding behavior, and building emotional resilience. 

No gimmicks, no rigid programs—just real-life, research-backed wisdom to help you trust your instincts and lead with confidence.

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Transcript

Erin: 0:00

after doing my deep dive on these three philosophies, or these three voices, I really think that each one has some valuable takeaways. like I said, you don't have to pick a side, or pick a team. But I think that that's where it gets murky. Because when parenting advice starts to spread on social media, or online, it gets murky. Muddied up. It gets distorted. It's watered down, misinterpreted, and then taken to the extremes on some cases and it's happened before when we look at Hello, and welcome to Talking Toddlers, where I share more than just tips and tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. We're going to cover all of that, but here, our goal is to develop clarity. Because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction, to never give up, to tap into everyday activities so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind. He's thriving through your guidance. We know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started.

1:26

have you ever felt overwhelmed by the sheer volume of parenting advice out there? Blogs, books, TikTok, Instagram, it's endless. It can feel like you need a PhD just to raise a toddler. I know you have a little one at home, otherwise you wouldn't be here and I'm sure you've come across the term. It's everywhere with influencers and so called experts hailing it as the best way to raise kind, emotionally intelligent children. Now, don't get me wrong. I fully support the core principles of The umbrella term, gentle parenting, because it focuses on empathy, connection, and respect. But as a pediatric speech language development therapist with, 35 plus years. I do have some thoughts and some concerns, and over the past several months, I have done a deep dive into what this approach really means, and where are the voices, and who are you, mama, trying to understand? Who are you listening to? What are they saying? And like I said, I think there are valuable insight in the work under the voices that I found out there and we're going to cover three main voices here today. Just so we're all on the same page and then I'm going to share what my take is on it because what I've also seen is that social media has really taken the good solid advice that these three voices are trying to help you with. And really distorted that their ideas, right? And I think that that then leads to unrealistic expectation at home in the schools, And there's a lot of parenting confusion. And in some cases with what I've seen on social media, there's a lot of harmful practices or modeling that you guys are looking at. And then I read the comments and I think, Ooh, this is not good. There, there's a disconnect and a true misunderstanding of trying to live by some of these principles. So I bring this all up because I know that currently in 2025, nearly 78 percent of millennial moms, you are saying, I resonate with this gentle parenting concept and I'm trying to use some rendition of it. Now. What's also happening is that there's some pushback. There's a lot of pushback actually because half of those 78 percent of moms and you could be one of them are saying, no, this isn't working for us. I feel like I'm a failure. My kid isn't benefiting. There's more mayhem than there is, calm and peace and growth and development where Half of you are also saying it's working for us. So when you have about 46 percent on both sides of the fence, I think that, having an open honest discussion about what is realistic and what can then be implemented in real time on a daily basis. So today I'm going to break down what these three voices are saying, these three women, Dr. Becky Kennedy, Janet Lansbury and Sarah Ackwell Smith, not to really, deep dive onto them or contrast them because I think there is a lot of overlap, but really how then social media, the moms or the influencers, the bloggers who are trying to then share with what they're learning. And I think that that's where the disconnect comes. up front and center. So let's just take a quick look at these three popular voices of what I refer to as quote unquote modern parenting. And as a side note, what they share in their books, in their blogs, in their interviews, isn't all that different from what the four major parenting styles that came out of the seventies and the eighties, really it started in the 1930s these three popular voices of quote unquote, modern parenting. the first one is Dr. Becky Kennedy, referred to as Dr. Becky, and she's a clinical psychologist who helps parents understand that kids aren't. quote, unquote, bad that they're just struggling and she teaches how to handle quote, unquote, big emotions. What I used to call tantrums or meltdowns, right? But they are big emotions underneath it. They, your toddler just doesn't know how to handle yet. And so Dr. Becky does believe in setting some firm yet loving boundaries. So she does like. to guide your little one through this process and have expectations But most importantly dr. Becky talks a lot about how to repair When things don't go well, and I think that that's really really important and And any parent who wants to listen to her or peruse her work can really benefit from listening to some of her technique or strategies behind repair. And let's be honest, that happens almost on a daily basis, right? We mess up, they're emotional, we overreact or underreact and then overreact and it all gets mucky, right? But her approach is really great if you want scripts. Now, I personally am not a script person, but I do like her philosophy behind navigating these big emotional moments and, and to build on your confidence. And I think that that's what scripts help parents who are really, really novice at, at all of this, which the truth is the vast majority of us are. Now, the second. Popular voice is Janet Lansbury, and she really follows a woman named Magna Gerber, who You know, introduce, I think back in the 1970s, it's called RIE, Resources for Infant Educators, right, an educator and then a carer, right, R I E, but her philosophy is really trusting your child's development and they I have the mindset that we're born with all that we need and that instead of fixing or entertaining your infant and your toddler, that the wry parent should let your kid struggle, discover and then grow naturally. And so I think there's a thread of truth to this from what I could tell is that I too believe in struggle in a little bit is that 80 20 percent where 80 percent of the time you kind of reinforce a skill and you get better and better and more efficient and then let them work at 20%. That's what neuroplasticity has taught me in the last 30 years of studying and applying some of these things. Thanks. And I do think that kids will grow naturally if you give them freedom and space enough that is safe and interesting that they will kind of hone some of their skills but Babies and young toddlers do need a lot of prompting need modeling in my opinion but I do think there's That Janet Lansbury does speak to, um, how a parent can learn how to observe and set some expectations and then let their kids experience learning without hovering. But I think that there's a fine dance. And so you do as a parent learn through your everyday experience of how to observe or set up the situation and then. As a therapist, what we used to say is wean yourself back and then let them take the ball and run with it. And then the, the third is Sarah Ockwell Smith. I think that's how you say your last name. but she really is of these three voices, the woman who speaks and uses the term gentle parenting, right? She blends some of her study in neuroscience. Not that she's a neuroscientist. I think she, has a degree in teaching and then she taught for a couple of years she was actually in, in pharmaceutical, research. And then she had her first baby. I think she has, four young adults. but you know, she did her study on her own and she looks at attachment theory. She looks at mindfulness of the parent and then she looks at some of the neurobiology. but she's the one that kind of has coined the phrase gentle parenting, right? And I guess some people look at her as the goat of gentle parenting. Um, But Sarah does encourage parents to understand how a child's brain develops over time, how we as the caregiver can respond in a calm, nurturing style, and that her work is great If you like science and, and you know, that's why some of her, her blogs have interested me. I do think that sometimes she struggles at explaining it when she's being interviewed, but I think some of her written material is spot on. but I'm sure as a new parent, if you don't have some of this background information for yourself, you're thinking, okay, which one is right? You know, who should I follow? Should I, hang my hat sort of speak with one of these? I look at it as parenting isn't about following one philosophy, it's about really understanding how children learn to learn over time, and that's what I talk a lot about here, and that we use everyday activities for those experiences.

Erin: 12:03

Because after doing my deep dive on these three philosophies, or these three voices, I really think that each one has some valuable takeaways. like I said, you don't have to pick a side, or pick a team. But I think that that's where it gets murky. Because when parenting advice starts to spread on social media, or online, it gets murky. Muddied up. It gets distorted. It's watered down, misinterpreted, and then taken to the extremes on some cases and it's happened before when we look at other educational programs like Montessori or Waldorf as they migrated from Europe over here into the U. S. It seemed like every school that I went in that had that offered Montessori or a Waldorf framework.

13:00

They were a little bit different and when I compared and contrasted the schools from L. A. County there in California to Orange County, strikingly different. And then when I moved to Vermont, it was like, oh my gosh, this is a whole different ballgame. Just because you call it Waldorf doesn't necessarily mean that it is what the original writers or philosophers Intended. And this happens with a lot of clinical information or clinical programs as well. And, and I've shared with you in the past how I was part of the, the implementation, not the development, but the implementation of a computer based auditory processing program called fast forward. And, and you can look it up or I'll, I'll have a link down below. But as more and more clinicians across the country in different clinical settings and different schools, especially Tried to implement this it really got muddied up and muckied and therefore the outcomes didn't look anything Like what we saw in the initial Implementation and certainly didn't look like the clinical trials because What happens when we, we take some information, we take our own background knowledge and look into it and try to personalize it, right? And that's just human nature. My first point here is not whether any of these gentle parenting People or voices are wrong or right I want you to understand that all of them are a collection of ideas that these women shaped and created based on their personal study, right? And each one of these women have three very different backgrounds based on their own. intuition of how they're interpreting this information that they're working on and then trial and error and kind of creating these frameworks that then you mom are trying to implement in your life, which is different than their life. And I'm not saying that it's necessarily a bad thing at all. I'm saying that it's, it's gives you a lot of. information, a wealth of information to try to gain a perspective of what kind of parent do I want to become. But I do think at the same time we need to look at it critically and say, does it contradict who I am as a parent, right? Do I believe in strict boundaries or do I believe that kids should just figure it out on their own? where I struggle and why I started to do a deep dive into these three main voices was like, I always go back to the source, right? Because a lot of what I see on social media in those videos, in those clips, those 30 second, 60 second clips, and then you can have longer videos, They didn't really align with what I was reading on these women's books or blogs or these interviews, right? And the truth is, a lot of these videos, these social media influencers, they're moms who are trying to do the right thing. I get that. I'm not blaming any of them. But a lot of them have huge followings. So you have most likely seen the same ones that I've seen. And the truth is, my heart Would sink. My stomach actually turned over a couple of times where I saw these moms with these innocent children force feeding their toddlers during a meltdown, I've always said safety first, right? If the child is not. Ready to eat, not sitting up in the high chair and ready to receive food and hungry and engaged and, and alert and active, then don't introduce food to them and certainly don't put food in their mouth if they're crying and gasping and melting down and squirming and sitting on your lap and pushing away. That is a, a disaster waiting to happen. And my stomach turned, honestly. But. I also saw videos where, you know, a one, one and a half year old is expected to understand a lot of emotional language, jargon, and they're just developmentally unable to understand what the heck his mom is saying, you know, putting them in the timeout and I'm going to sit here and watch you and you think about what you're doing and we're going to talk about why that doesn't align with it. Basic developmental milestones and healthy, realistic expectations. So at this point, let's step back because I just wanted to highlight those three big voices that I think hundreds of thousands of women, moms like you probably, have heard or seen or wondered about at least. am I missing something? Um, I, I've tried it and it didn't work. Oh my gosh, I'm a failure. Or yeah, some of this is working for me and I like it. And I get it, it all depends on the circumstances, what I want to share today, my main point To today's episode is giving you or breaking this developmental period from the first birthday to the third birthday in these three chunks and in a future episode we'll dive deep into the nitty gritty of these milestones, I want to highlight what they're really capable of. And then how can you as a mom shape that and help them through these stages? Because from that first birthday to that third birthday, it is a time of remarkable growth, motor growth, cognitive language growth, social connection growth. their sleeping patterns, their eating patterns, all of that is remarkable. But at the same time, these big higher level growth, like empathy, self regulation. impulse control. They're just beginning to come online and I often talk about it as the seeds are planted underneath that rich nutrient densed soil, But they're just beginning to germinate. And, and that means that that individual seed is just starting to break open and you can see some roots or some shoots kind of spreading out if you've ever seen, you know, those beautiful nature videos, of how A seed germinates, right, and then breaks through the soil. And so these higher order cognitive, emotional things like empathy, self regulation, impulse control are just beginning to germinate underneath that soil. And so when you're giving them a lot of language. Giving them time out, giving them explanation of why you shouldn't hit or throw or bite or whatever the directive is. It's going right over them, right? They're buried deep in that rich nutrient soil and they don't get it yet. It's just beginning to germinate, let alone emerge. And I talk a lot about the word emerging, right? But expecting your toddler to understand another person's emotions when they're still trying to figure out, Oh, I have happy and sad and everything else in between. I have no, no idea of let alone control over. And so it's here where I think the social media has, Jumped on, quote unquote gentle parenting and everything's kind of gone haywire. That's where we misunderstand or misapply what is realistic and healthy and nurturing, and that's where I think. Parents end up feeling very permissive in their, in their style and where the boundaries are unclear or inconsistent, the emotional state of you and your toddler becomes a roller coaster and then everyone feels badly, right? We're all kind of failing. Or it's a hit and miss and then the flip side is if you dig your heels in more, then that creates, too much structure and too much control and that's where that, that innocent mom and that innocent toddler where, you know, okay, you have to have two more bites and then you can get up and play with your other brothers and sisters and they're squirming and crying and it's, it's lunchtime and you gotta, it. You've got to comply. So that's forced cooperation and there's no learning there. at this point, the big question is, what's the solution? How do I navigate this? What I've broken this down into are some realistic expectations for you mom. That parenting doesn't require a branded method. You don't have to follow Dr. Becky or Gentle Parenting. I think Getting that information, reading about them or listening to them gives you a, a good wealth, colorful background, just like listening to my podcast, hopefully gives you some background knowledge. So then in daily life skills, you can find your rhythm, your style, because I think especially as you, are looking at your whole pregnancy and your, that, that first six months and the first 12 months and 24 months, that it really requires understanding of what are the concrete, well established developmental milestones. That at six months that your child has enough oral motor skills that you can start to introduce some solid foods that they don't know any difference between, the piece of broccoli that you give them. And the pen, they don't know what food is or eating is or hunger at six months. They're just exploring in their mouth. But you're setting the stage to teach them that over here are foods that help. Keep us nourished and satiated and energized and all of these, and these things are toys that don't go in our mouth anymore. So it's a process of learning, right? But you, mom, have to have those realistic expectations. And, and we learn that through developmental milestones. And then intentionality, and I talk a lot about that, the three P's, right? To be present, to be purposeful, and to be playful. And that's how your child then can learn best. And then, the key really is to remain open and willing to adapt. Right? Because your first child is most likely going to be very different than your second child. And what worked for one, most likely will not work for the next. And just like, I had a lot of Information, right? Book knowledge and study knowledge. And as I became, a pediatric therapist, I had to do a lot of trial and error on my own, right? Because reading it in a book and implementing it in real time is very different. And my first client of the day at 8 o'clock in the morning is strikingly different than any other client I saw. There was a lot of commonalities, there was a lot of style, but what worked for one child may not work for the next. And so I had to also remain open to adapt. That sometimes I could model for a child once or twice and they got it. Sometimes I had to do it for three or four sessions in a row. Over the course of a whole month. Sometimes I had to reinforce it with mom and dad and they had to practice it at home and then bring it back. So, every child is unique and, and I, and I say that with an asterisk because I think again, people, us humans, will often distort the meaning behind something. Or, Embellish it in some form or fashion and what I mean by it's unique. I still follow the developmental milestones I still know what the guidelines are and I want my all my kids that I serve to work within those guidelines But within those guidelines, there's going to be a lot of work Play a lot of wiggle room and that's what I mean by the uniqueness. So today I'm going to talk about three major sections or stages That 12 month to that 30 plus month Right. From that first birthday, all the way as they work toward that third birthday. And the principle that I gleaned from reading these women's work and then watching a lot of videos online about what social media is trying to model or interpret gentle parenting. I really bring it back to helping you guide your toddler toward COOPERATION. And, and that, The way we can do that best is grounded in some common sense. And when we look at a 12 month old or an 18 month old and say, Of course they don't understand. Well, you think about what you did to Johnny and see if you like it. An 18 month old isn't going to understand that. Right, so that to me is common sense and then, then it's backed by development or child development. Right. What we've known and studied over the last 60 or 80 years that, the social behavior of a two year old is different than the social behavior of a three year old. So why do I always go back to developmental milestones and why do I feel like they matter? Because I think those are. Our frameworks, right? Those are what we understand and I'm not saying they're necessarily absolute, right? Because I think there's always a range even in these milestones So when I meet a two year old or the first thing I ask a parent is, you know How many words that they have as they approach their second birthday and some kids will have 50 words and that's totally Within the range and then some kids will have 200 words. That's well within the range. There's a range But when a mom says, he has two or three words that he says on a regular basis besides mama and dada, that's not within the range. That's below expectation, right? And so that's what I mean by I always go back to these milestones. And so let's talk a little bit about what these three big stages of these milestones mean to me. And then you can place them against anything you read by these three voices, these three women, right? Dr. Becky or Sarah or Janet. Don't necessarily put them against what you see. The average mom who's trying to do the right thing, right? Sharing her life experience. Some of these moms, have close to a million followers. They're raising six kids or seven kids. God bless them. like I've shared with you before, I'm one of nine and it was in a whole different generation, It was in the 60s and 70s where the vast majority of us grew up and life was different and that's what I mean Here is that? Children haven't changed Parents haven't changed us human beings haven't changed but our lifestyles have changed our environments have changed and we therefore We, the grownups, have to modify our parenting or our understanding and our openness to navigating differently or with a different flair than we did in the 70s. I mean, there's a lot of social medias, like if you remember what these pictures are, driving around on your bicycle or your scooter without a helmet and, staying outside for hours on end and come home when the lights, when the street lights go on. I mean, that's the era that I grew up in. That's not the era that you are most likely raising your child in. Right? That's not the style. So the environment has changed and therefore we need to look at how we raise our kids differently because it's a whole different world out there. So between 12 months and 18 months, let's look at that because that's really the beginning of independence. And part of it is, yes, they're beginning some of the independent skills at six and eight months, but they're not really mobile. Right. They're starting to, to crawl around at eight months and 10 months. And so they're testing the waters of their independence, but they're still pretty much stuck to our hip literally and figuratively. But at this age, between 12 months and 18 months, toddlers are starting to assert. their independence, but they're still very reliant on us for guidance. They will, reach for something and still look back and find, some feedback like, is this okay mama? Or does she see me? You know, I want to reach up on this table and get another cookie. Is that okay? Their understanding of cause and effect is still incredibly limited. because Their, their life is really Entirely in that moment. I've already had two cookies. I'm reaching up on this table I want a third and I want it now so they're not looking at cause and effect like oh This is gonna interrupt my dinner or mom might think that you know I'm gonna crash and burn because it's too much sugar in my body. They're not thinking about that stuff You are but they aren't so expecting A 1-year-old or an 18 month old or a 20 month old to reflect on their actions or to understand how their action can impact others or affect others is barely coming online. That's why they will look at you. They've had enough life experience to say, you know, she's kind of kept me safe and alive thus far, and I'm going to look to her and see what she says. And even if she shakes her head, I still might grab this cookie and take it. Right? They simply don't have the brain capacity yet to put it all together. And I've said this before, and I'm going to continue to repeat this, a toddler's brain isn't wired for learning. Your baby, your toddler, even us, you and I've learned how to appreciate the learning process through life experience, right? But we as human beings, our brains are wired for survival, not learning. And so every skill we do develop and think back, you know, a hundred years ago, 200 years ago, 500 years ago, the skill that we do developed or that we develop over time, thinking, reasoning, planning, those skills, those, what we call higher order thinking skills or language skills, exists to serve the primary goal, which is survival. So learning Like learning where the lions live, and I'm not going to go there. Learning where the good berries are. Learning where the water is. That learning process is a byproduct to real life experiences. And so I've learned that sometimes when I just reach up on this table and grab the cookie, that mom sometimes snatches it before I get it in my mouth. So they're learning. Maybe she's not looking. Maybe this is good timing. Maybe she'll say yes. Right. It's still a primary goal of just, getting what I want in that moment. And it's our job as parents to entice them to think, to entice them to reason, to learn the process of, Hmm, you've already had two cookies, honey. one more is too much. It'll make your tummy sick. So you're learning in real time and helping them walk through that process. And that's why I say timeouts with this younger age especially, but with a one, two and three and even a four year old, honestly, don't work at this stage. Because they can't reason in their own head and just because a child kind of calms down and sits down and you know, some social media, people will say, Oh, you know, they just need to calm down. Well, I think there are better ways to help them calm down. So instead of a timeout here, you sit on this step or the naughty step or whatever you want to call it. you could take the cookie away and say, Oh no, no more cookies. Or replace it with, Here, have a drink of water. I bet you're thirsty. It's a, it's a way to redirect their attention. Cause you can do that with an 18 month old. And you can still do it with a two year old. It gets harder beyond that second birthday because their language begins to expand and they have better memory and thinking skills. Again, they're moving down this continuum, but things are just beginning to percolate and you do validate their big feelings, right? Also known as a meltdown or a tantrum. So if you haven't intervened, Quickly enough or early enough and they have a meltdown like, oh, I gotta have that cookie then, you can say, oh, I know it tastes yummy. Tomorrow you can have another one. And so you don't really dive into the meltdown with them. You just casually use words to try to regulate their feelings, but more importantly it's To go there and comfort them and console them and use very, very, very little, simple, basic words until they get over that meltdown. You don't want the meltdown to completely go into, catastrophic falling off the cliff and 20 minute recovery, right? You want to help them navigate before they fall off that cliff. So, As I said, they're starting to assert this independence at the same time that cause and effect, which is the foundation to learning to understand, and being able to process and plan and organize is one of the first cognitive skills that we see kids, develop at early, early infancy, right? When they're four and six months old is, is that cause and effect. If I press this button, the lights turn on. If I dump out all of these things in this box, then I can get inside. Right, or if I dump food from my tray onto the floor, the dog is going to run and eat it. Or better yet, mom's going to jump up and react very dramatically, and it's going to be very entertaining. It's cause and effect. It's not manipulation. It's real basic. Learning in real time. If I push this, this will happen. If I drop this, this will happen. But this is where we get to shape that learning without expecting too much. And what I mean by that is that there's that sweet spot. So if I don't overreact that she's dropped the food on the floor and I show that if you drop the food on the floor then you're telling me you're all done. So instead of me jumping up and flailing my arms and being dramatic, I just simply, Oh, all done. Take the food away. All done eating. Wipe your mouth. Let's get down and you're like, wait, wait, wait. I'm not done eating and you wait, right? There's a pregnant pause there and you have the the little food or the food on the little plate and you're like all done Right. So this food is for eating not on the floor and you have to find that sweet spot for them You show them through real life experiences that food go in your mouth or stay on the tray, but not on the floor. So the other big piece to this First stage, this 12 month to eight month where they're beginning independence, right? They're learning cause and effect. They're understanding that their brain is wired for survival, but mom is going to teach me to want to learn. And then, A big piece to the emotional development is that attunement. And if you think back to those long nights when you first brought your baby home, right? You have this newborn and your whole goal is to get in sync with them, to understand, to learn their, their body cues, right? Their, their minimal ways of expression or their minimal ways of communicating with you, right? Through different cries or body stretches or, or facial expressions, right? You're getting in sync and in, in attunement with them. And you do that by observing, right? Noticing their emotions. noticing their behavior, listening. You respond in a way that shows your understanding. Oh, you're uncomfortable. Let's figure it out. Are you too hot? Let's see if we can change your outfit. Are you messy in your diaper? Are you thirsty? Are you hungry? Do you just need a little love? Right? So you're listening to them. But you're using your voice, your attunement with them, like, I gotcha, we'll figure this out together. And you're showing through empathy, like, Oh, you're so little, you're so vulnerable, you're so precious. But you're sensing and resonating with their experience. Like, it's got to be overwhelming. You've only been home for like six weeks. And this world is still pretty. obnoxious, right? Um, but all of those key emotional development, those are just teeny tiny little steps to laying that foundation. So now they're a little bit older, 18 months old, give or take, and your toddler now hits somebody, right? My goal is for us to not overreact, right? Don't scold them even though it's the, fifth time this afternoon. It's better to shift your attention to the hurt person, right? Because you're now going to demonstrate through your emotional connection that I'm not going to give you reinforcement because you did something that wasn't good or isn't a good goal to have, right? To grab something or hit somebody. You're going to shift your attention to the hurt person. Oh, daddy, you're sad. It hurts. And you pat his arm or rub his arm or kiss his arm. And you let him. Feel better through your emotional empathetic understanding and you're comforting them, not giving attention because remember that 18 month old and even that two year old doesn't really differentiate these two different kinds of attention yet. Cause they don't have the emotional or the cognitive wherewithal. So what this action does by, you know, and this only takes a few seconds, right? You're giving attention to daddy or to whomever, even if it's the doggie, right? But this will pull naturally, right? Pull your toddler into the emotion because you've already spent, you know, 18 months consoling them and comforting them and loving them. So they know what that means. And you're helping them regulate by connecting these dots. Oh, I want that emotion. I want to be consoled and loved over being like, Not that you're pushing them aside. You're not putting them in timeout, right? You're not segregating them, but you're giving the other person, which might just be a foot or two away, your attention, your affection, your empathy. So on a side note, because I am a believer in human development, there is a thing called empathetic response that babies are born with. and you may have seen this or talked about it, but I just want to bring it out in front to kind of explain how these things are developed and nurtured and express themselves Over time through your life experience. So babies will often cry when they hear other babies cry because Not because they're being empathetic per se but it's considered an early sign of the potential of empathy, where they instinctively respond to the distress signals of another infant. And that's instinct, right? It's, it's something that God has given us as a reflex, as an instinct. It's not, we can't turn it on or off, especially as a baby, right? So even if they, aren't experiencing discomfort themselves, and another baby starts to cry, this phenomenon is sometimes called contagious crying, right? Or choral crying. But some research actually suggests that it's wired in us as an alert mechanism. That we as babies, like I said earlier, Are, are wired for survival, so if we hear a baby crying and we're a baby, then we're going to sound the alert that that baby is under stress or maybe in trouble. And so I'm going to help them cry louder. Sound the alert. So maybe this grown up person over here is going to come and help us and protect us. So the point is that we are born with this innate reflex to feel empathetic, right? In the air, empathy in the air. we're vibrating with my peer down here. They're, they're, they're crying, right? and I feel it. I don't understand it. Right? I just feel with them and my instinct is to cry the alert, maybe to protect them, but most likely to protect myself. So they're not thinking about this and they, and so even at 18 months and 20 more months, they're not able to think about that behavior, but they have the potential. They have the making, they have the initial spark to feel it, but not yet. Understand it. So the first step to real empathy that you begin to see will emerge over time. And it's typically around 18 to 24 months, not 12 months to 18 months. But you'll see. Uh, uh, 20 month, give or take, that they might notice when others are upset and will offer a simple comfort because that's what they've experienced. So you have modeled this, Oh, you hit daddy. I'm going to pet daddy. I'm going to give daddy a kiss because that hurt him. So six months later. When he, your child, your toddler, sees a classmate or a family member or somebody else upset and they start to cry or, or perhaps they even witness a toy being grabbed out of somebody else's hand, they'll go up and maybe give them a toy. Or give them a hug, or even pat them on the arm. I, hundreds and hundreds of times, I've had little toddlers just pat my arm. Like if I'm play acting and I feel sad because the tower fell over. Or I feel sad because I, you know, accidentally on purpose fell off my chair. They'll just pat my arm. It's okay, honey. And they'll say phrases like that, because that's what's been modeled to them. So they're beginning to emerge real empathy and more understanding, but they're just not there yet. And so it's really between that third and fourth birthday. 36 months to 48 months, which is very different than a 12 month or 18 months or 24 months. When we're talking about months in these first three plus years, that's a significantly short amount of time. And yet to them, I've been learning so much. You really want me to understand and cognitively understand empathy? Yikes. That's a lot to ask. But between three and four years of age, they begin to understand. Why, why someone feels a certain way and that's what we in my field have talked about THEORY OF MIND and that kind of came out. Well, I started studying it, back in the 1990s early 2000s when kids on the autism spectrum started popping up right and left right much more than ever in my early practicing years, in the early 1980s. And I've shared this with you all before, we didn't study autism in graduate school back in 19, I graduated in 1986, that it was still an anomaly, but there was some good research going on trying to figure out. What's happening to these, these different brain processes, And so theory of mind, it could have been a study that was there from the 70s or even the 60s. I'm not sure I'd have to look that up, but I know it really entered my sphere of, licensed speech pathologists, occupational therapists, clinical psychologists, that now, but It's really being able to take the perspective of somebody else, really thinking about them, like I have a cookie, he doesn't have a cookie, do I really want to share, but that doesn't really start to emerge and you see it around three to four years of age. And then beyond Or beyond toddlerhood, which as they enter preschool, emotional empathy, feeling somebody else's pain or discomfort starts to then transition into cognitive empathy. So there's the basic empathetic response as an infant, right? I'll cry when I hear another baby cry. And then around 18 months to two years. They start to feel some empathy for somebody else when they're upset or Uncomfortable and then between three and four years of age They'll begin to understand that Empathetic they'll be able to relate that why like oh he fell down off his bike hurt his knee I've been there I know what that feels like, right? I can say, why is Bobby crying? And he could say he fell off his bike and it hurts, A three to four year old can do that. A two year old can't, right? And then beyond that, then they're more cognitively in sync with that empathy, understanding the reason behind the emotions. Oh, Susie over there is having a meltdown because she dropped her cupcake on the floor, And then, and they could tell you why, But the bottom line is we can't rush this process. no matter how many timeouts you give, how many lectures you give, why hitting is not okay. A two year old still. will not cognitively and emotionally understand. It's not to say that you let them get away with it, but you understand how much they can process. So we model, we guide, we shape through these early experiences and that's laying that foundation. So now let's look at the next stage of toddlerhood and that's 18 to 24 months. so When I was talking about attunement and cause and effect, that was for 12 to 18 months. And I, highlighted empathy of how that comes from infancy up to their second birthday and then three to four years and then beyond. But now let's really zone in on how Language or emerging language and testing the boundaries is a hallmark of that 18 to 24 month. And you know, right? What do we call them? The terrible twos. I don't necessarily refer to that as the terrible twos because I understand the limitations of both their language and their emotional regulation. And so I, I try my best to never set them up to, to fall apart. Not to say that, you know, I've had plenty of plenty of kids where I thought they were getting it or understanding it and able to manage it. And they, they fall apart. Right. But at this stage at 18 to 24 months, toddlers are growing. With their language skills, but their ability to understand and process, and that's the big key here, is still developing. So when I talk about processing language, that's both expressive, their ability to, to explain themselves, and then also process incoming. You're explaining to them why it's not, you can't have a third cookie or you can't have that. Uh, bag of chips in the middle of the grocery store, whatever the scenario is, how well they can process that information, even when they're cool, calm and collected. We have to, again, look at typical milestones. So when we're looking at the 18 to 24 month speaking skills. You know, vary, right? They have 20 words, 50 words, some might even have 100 or 200 words. That's that range. Remember, that's that developmental milestone. 50 words to 200 words. That's expected. But that's even the best of them with 200 words. When we compare that to all the words that's possibly able to learn in their lifetime 170, 000 words I think is the latest data point I looked up and they have, you know, a hundred. You think they're able to explain themselves yet? And then understanding Um, that might be a little richer, right? Receptive language seems to kick in a little bit faster than expressive language, right? And even if you have some gestures to support what you mean, but it's still pretty concrete. Understanding 200 words is not fully equivalent to comprehension or comprehending the concepts, processing the nuances. Don't hit your brother. Don't jump on the furniture. Don't throw food on the floor. Don't, you know, um, put too much toilet paper in the toilet. Everything that you're trying to teach them, the concept that cause and effect, that impulse control, and now really comprehending the concepts. Right, so let's look at language as two layers. So we have recognizing the words and some short phrases. So we can tell them, get your shoes. Or time for bed, pick up the napkin. We can give them some concrete directions. Where's your book? But grasping the meaning behind words. So when we ask more rich filled questions, why do you need shoes? Why do we sleep? That's a lot more language. And, and this 18 to 24 month old, 24 to 26 month old, they're not going to be able to process what are you asking me and then generate a coherent statement, right? So toddlers that, you know, 18 month old. up to that third birthday, they're just beginning to tap in to that second layer. But we can show them, we can step on the hot sidewalk and say, Oh, barefoot, right? Oh no, the sidewalk is hot, out, out. I need shoes. Shoes protect my feet. So you can link the cause and effect, right? The sidewalk is hot. I need shoes. Why do we need shoes? To protect our feet. so that two to three year old is just beginning to emerge with understanding WHY and HOW questions. in my field we talk a lot with parents about WH questions. what? So they can name things. What is this? Ah, a ball. What is this? A chair. And even where? Where do you sleep? In a bed. Where's daddy? At work. You know, where's the doggie? Outside. So where concepts. What, where, and you can even do some when, like when do we sleep at nighttime? So many parents will then, unfortunately, assume that because their toddler can repeat some words or they have, 200 words and answer some basic yes, no questions, or say the alphabet, God forbid, or even, recite a nursery rhyme, that they equate that with understanding complex ideas. But like I just said the 18 to 24 plus even all the way up to 30 will continue to struggle with why questions and how questions and those are the Concepts that they have to have in their higher order thinking in order to reflect. Oh my actions What I did at the playground will affect if I get to go there tomorrow Right? Their brains aren't built yet for abstract reasoning. Not to say that you don't show them what the cause and effect are. Oh, when I step on this hot sidewalk, it hurts my feet. But because they live in the here and now, in the moment, they won't be able to necessarily think about that. But you can show them in different scenarios. the sidewalk is hot, or the snow is cold, or it's muddy, or it's dirty, or you know, a hundred different reasons why we wear shoes. And then there's a hundred different reasons why it's good to go barefoot inside the house. And you can compare and contrast. a common question for toddlers I always have is, why don't we run in the house? Now, that's a loaded question because we have the negation in it. Why don't we run in the house? a toddler might be able to say to you, no, no, no, no running, no, no, no. So they've learned kind of the quote unquote rule because they've been corrected before, but they don't, again, know how to explain it or even how to put it together conceptually. They can't yet connect the idea that I might slip and fall and get hurt or I might break something if I knock into the table. They don't put the logical consequence, again, a sophisticated cause and effect. They're learning the rules and as their language and understanding expands, they'll then be able to reason through it. So instead of asking why. So much. You can show and tell them, We walk in the house. It's safe. We run outside. Lots more room. Right? You can fall on the grass. Everything's groovy. Right. But if we hit the table, ouch, right? So you can demonstrate in contrast and show them what the quote unquote expectations are. and you can make it very concrete. So redirect their impulse like I want to run, I want to run. Oh, we can run outside in five minutes. Get your shoes clean off your lunch plate, put it away and then we'll go outside so you can show them instead of shutting it down, no running, no running, no running, you can show them we can run outside in five minutes. Or whatever the scenarios, but the idea is, if they don't get it, that's normal, that's typical, that's to be expected. So when I talk about unrealistic expectations, we want to know what are the realistic ones. your toddler needs a lot of repetition, a lot of experience before these concepts start to click and they can put them together and we'll talk about that in a couple of minutes about that frontal lobe, right? But part of this developmental phase, 18 to 24 months, their language is emerging at the same time that they're testing these boundaries, right? They're going to run inside again because it's like, is she serious? I really want to run. they're practicing their autonomy. how much clout do I have? a lot of things are happening to me. what say do I have in this world? And they're, again, it's very age appropriate to push these limits. They're not being defiant. And, I've had a lot of serious conversations with moms and dads over the years about he's not really defiant. He's trying to find his autonomy. He's trying to figure out who he is in this family, who he is in this world. Right? They have to test their environment. What will happen if I throw this? They have to test your reactions. What will mommy do? Will mommy let me get away with it again? Or will mommy get mad? And what does that mean? When she starts yelling at me, is that good attention or is that bad attention? Right? And then they're, they're figuring out, they're dancing with understanding cause and effect. If I cry, will someone come and get me? and I'm sure you've seen toddlers. Pretend to cry, right? They fall down. They're not really hurt and they pretend to cry and they look around like who's gonna come and rescue me, Again, they're testing. They're figuring this out and there's a little thinking in there. That's great. They're learning through action, not logic, right? They're testing this railing. Will it support my weight for the umpteenth time? Can I push back against it? Again, and it still will hold me right if I lose control, well, mom or dad come and bring me back, pull me off the edge now. And we can talk about this in, in future episodes, but I'm not one to really support the whole cry it out either. And again, I know people feel like they have to pick a side, but I look at the whole developmental process, especially in those first three years, that we don't want them to completely fall off the edge and lose it. It's not good for their central nervous system. It's not good for their sensory integration system, their emotional regulation for sure. It lowers the threshold. But we want them to trust and have faith that if they're really uncomfortable, if they really can't pull it together, that we're going to be there with them, that we're going to help them navigate this and not fall off the edge. Because they don't necessarily think ahead, especially as the emotions start to get wonky. They don't plan to test you in a manipulative way. They don't understand our ability to look at this. situation, right? They only live in the here and now and trying to figure it out. And we'll talk about ways to help them build and exercise that muscle of self control. can go back to the example of a toddler who, throws food on the floor or dumps water on the floor and instead of asking, why did you do that? They don't know. They're looking at you like, what are you talking about, lady? Instead, you say, oops, water stays in the cup. Put the cup in the sink. All done. Let's clean it up together. And you kind of remain neutral. But at the same time, you're showing them. Water's for drinking or you're all done. Then it goes in the sink. Stays in the cup, not on the floor. And then you move on. Right? You help them walk through what the consequence is, but you don't necessarily get mad. They don't have the brain structures yet to stop and think before they act. They're getting there. You're, you're setting up the learning environment for them to practice those skills. But that free, that prefrontal cortex, right, that frontal lobe That's the area of the brain that is truly responsible for self regulation, and it's just beginning to come online. at 18, 24 months, 30 months, they're just getting really good at being in sync with their own limbs, let alone planning how to organize those limbs into actions. This is why I continually go back and, and you'll hear if you go back to those women's writings and their works and their teaching, they talk about this, set up clear, simple boundaries, right? Limits without over explaining. Redirect their behavior in a way that they can understand, and if they're not really in the moment to clean up the dishes after lunchtime, if you get them to do it once, a napkin and a paper plate or something, then that's fine. It's like, great. You did, you did some, thank you. but when it comes to the, this emotional regulation stuff, you help them process the emotions without Shutting them down, And so if you talk too much, they're not going to process. They're just, it's just more noise in their head. So instead of asking them why, or using lots of explanation, you do say things like, gentle hands. and these women use that term too, but I've been using it for Decades, Or pat, pat, pat. And you show them soft, easy touching, gentle hands. because they don't know what gentle means, they don't even, at two, they don't even really know what hit. Means or they don't know how to contrast the concepts yet, right? But you can hit a balloon, right? You can hit a button you can Hit a a punching bag or a pillow you can show them that that's hitting that's okay But you have to contrast that with Hands are soft or gentle or easy And you're showing them the contrast through vocabulary and demonstration. So, like I said, they're, they're building that motor control, that motor planning, all of that. Their first emotional reaction, like if you pick them up and you're getting ready to go and you're like, we got to go, we got to go. They're going to strike out at you because you're close and they're frustrated. Maybe they're tired, maybe they're hungry, but that is an impulse, not like, oh, let me strike mom so she's going to put me down. That, that's just a reaction that they have and, I don't believe that you should ignore that, but you should understand where it's coming from. So you, you gently hold their hand gently and firmly and say, no hitting, that hurts mommy. You know, and make a sad face. Over time, these experiences will build their confidence, their independence, as their language continues to grow and blossom. They'll also build faith in us, as the grown ups, to be their guide. Oh, mom's got me if I do this wrong, if I'm not quite sure, you know, maybe they're going to a new park or maybe they're going to a friend's house and they've never been there. Do I generalize all the rules at home in this new environment? And they're going to look to you for guidance because they've already experienced the positive with you in other environments. And then, with all of these trial and errors and, and reshaping, then they'll begin to build that, emotional regulation, right? They'll be able to feel in that and not lose it so often because that you haven't ever really let them fall off the cliff. where you have to do a search and rescue, right? They've had some big emotions, but you've been able to Be in there with them and they've been able to get down in a reasonable amount of time in a minute or two the bottom line with this particular stage of growth and development that 18 months to 24 months is that toddlers can't yet stop and think before they act. So we have to show them how and then use simple positive directives to help them start to connect the dots as their language comprehension, their language use begins to expand and their experience and interest in the different environments expand. All right. At this point, I realized this episode is running a lot longer than I expected. So I decided to break all of this information into two different episodes, two parts. Today, Let's just quickly outline what we did cover. So I, introduce the 12 to 18 months where they begin, your toddler at 12 to 18 months is beginning to express their independence, right? They're still at that concrete cause and effect. And we are building their emotional development through our attunement with them. And I also described what that, Empathetic response was it really is a God given gift, an innate reflex that they can begin to explore, but it's not even remotely online yet. So the bottom line for that 12 to 18 month period or stage is that we can't rush. this process. And then I introduced some ideas around what happens between that 18 and 24 month stage, Where emerging language is really beginning to show up, And I use that word emerging quite a bit. It means that we're just coming, breaking through that soil. At the same time, they're really beginning to test the boundaries because they're interested in so much more. They're much more mobile at, you know, at their second birthday. They're hopefully walking around and starting to climb and doing all kinds of things that scare the pants off of you. But we have to look at what are typical healthy milestones. One of which is not Being able to understand the why questions. Why did you hit your brother? Why do you keep, rolling off the couch? How do you feel about XYZ? Those types of questions aren't in their their whole bandwidth yet, right? And so they can't they simply can't reflect on their behavior or think about how somebody else might feel because they acted a certain way. They're really still stuck in that full autonomy phase as they're 18 to 24 months. They learn through action and not through logic and certainly not through a lot of language heavy loaded explanations. So also at this time, as I said, they're, they're walking more, they're climbing more, but they don't have a lot of good motor. control yet. So there's a lot of impulsivity and that's just natural. the bottom line with this 18 to 24 month old is they can't stop and think before they act, And so the next phase at the next episode is we'll talk about the two year old to that three year old phase. That's a huge growth spurt. We call it fast mapping, where the language goes from 50 words or 100 words to a couple of thousand words. their ability to understand is much more intact, but the processing time and when there's emotion involved, there's a whole lot of variables going on that we have to consider. But it is a growth spurt where both social and emotional awareness begins to mature and that prefrontal cortex, that frontal lobe there isn't even fully wired, and I'm sure you've heard, or at least I hope you've heard, that that That prefrontal cortex really just starts to, to get engaged around two to three and will continue to mature up until they're mid to late twenties. So when we look at a two, two and a half and even a three year old. They're just beginning to tap into some of the impulse control. Their motor skills are better. Their listening skills are better. Their response time is better, but it's not, it's not developed yet. So we'll also talk about what is good and healthy sharing because that is a big. avenue into them understanding how other people feel, right? That theory of mind, taking the perspective of somebody else. When we begin to share and begin to take turns, then they're, they're expanding their, their field of interest, right? They're not so fully egocentric with themselves. They're looking toward Other people are in their environment and then I will also give you some practical tips, especially that second to that third birthday because they have a lot more available to them that we can teach them through games and stories and really expand their understanding. Keep in mind, my mission here is always to keep it simple, and that's why I decided to break this up, not to overwhelm you, but go back, start to reflect, what's your rhythm at your home, how is your child responding to your directions, are you frustrated, are they frustrated, or are you, you know, being overindulgent and helping them too much. There's a lot of nuances going on, so just, Analyze, step back, start to collect some data, figure it out, and remember you and your child are learning on the job. My focus here is always to be more intentional, to set realistic expectations, To smother them in love and appreciation, but to always keep it simple. And that doesn't mean that it's easy. And I get that. So to break it down into some simple concrete steps isn't always easy. And that's why I'm here to help you and guide you. So God bless and I'll see you to wrap this up in the next session. Take care. Bye bye.