Make Bedtime Less Crazy: Strategies for a Peaceful Toddler Sleep Routine

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In this episode let's dive into the art of creating a peaceful bedtime routine that helps your toddler transition into sleep without stress or power struggles. 

I draw on over three decades of clinical practice and real-life experience as I share  expert insights on starting young and fostering independence in your little one’s sleep habits.

Learn how to establish a consistent and calming bedtime routine that not only nurtures your toddler’s sense of security but also promotes healthy sleep patterns. 

I reveal my 'secret' tool that works like magic, turning bedtime battles into serene, bonding moments. This tool, however, requires commitment and practice - you toddler needs YOU to develop success.

Tune in to discover practical strategies and sincere advice that empower you to create a nighttime routine your toddler will look forward to.

With patience and consistency, you can transform bedtime into a peaceful, stress-free experience for the whole family.

Join Talking Toddlers and take the first step towards a more restful and harmonious night!

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If you're ready to unlock the magic of building independent play and nurturing your child's healthy development, join me on this insightful journey.

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Transcript

Erin: 0:00

I think it's way too much to expect a toddler. with all these different. Energy and thoughts and curiosity. And unsuredness because a two two-and-a-half, three-year-old still really doesn't conceptualize how this world is working, Things are just happening to him. depending on his maturity and his language and his understanding, but I think it's really on healthy of us adults. To, place that burden even if you give them a bath and brush the teeth and read them a quick story and say, okay, night, night, But they have all of these, these thoughts, like I said, in this energy, still percolating in them and for them to settle down and deal with it in bed on their own is a lot to manage.

Speaker: 0:51

Hello and welcome to Talking Toddlers, where I share more than just tips and tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. We're going to cover all of that, but here, our goal is to develop clarity, because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction, to never give up, to tap into everyday activities so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind. He's thriving through your guidance. We know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started.

Erin: 1:34

So this episode, I'm going to check in to see how your bedtime routines are going. And you might be thinking, Hmm. It's an exhausting mess. I get sucked into negotiation each and every night. your little one is asking for just one more story, one more story, or another drink of water. Mama. We're just rubbed my back. Oh, it feels so good. Or please I need this stuffy or this stuffy animal. And the requests just keep coming and coming or you're chasing them around the room or they're rolling and jumping on the bed or chasing each other down the hallway. And the truth is you just want to get them to go to sleep. because, you know, That you need a few minutes to yourself. You need 20 minutes, half an hour, and that you feel like you're going to drop dead from, the whole day's activity. And it, every night you dread the whole getting ready for bed and getting in bed and trying to get some sleep. Right. So I want to share what some research is showing us. And what some parents have taught me over the years and then working together with a ton of parents and trying to figure out ways that really help. settle this whole book end. I look at it because the truth is there's this huge contradiction between the kids. Who really, want something very different than what you want. And neither one of you, I think, understands the other person's perspective or your role, right? So your toddler or your preschooler. Seems to really want more connection before being left alone in the bed for 10, 12, hopefully more hours. and some kids get up in the middle of the night. Why do they do that? So we, parents are craving separation. I need, my full autonomy. I need to just be away from this clingy, needy, beautiful child that I love and adore, but gosh, I just don't have the bandwidth at, you know, seven o'clock and eight o'clock and nine o'clock. Right. So the descriptor. with a contrast between what he or she wants and what you really, really need. Right. So it's important that we take a quick look at what is this conflict, this emotional conflict. As well as the subconscious conflict, especially, especially with them, they don't have the language skills to say, mama. You know, I'm afraid, right? They, they might say I'm afraid, but you're like dismissing it because there's nothing to be afraid of. Our home is safe. I love you. I'm right around the corner, but they don't feel that they don't get that. Right. And so let's take a look at what the research is suggesting to us and what real life has taught us. some sleep experts me as a therapist and working with, you know, hundreds. Of families throughout the years. But, um, What the experts are suggesting is that your child does want to spend more time with you, that they are feeling a little bit anxious. Some kids are feeling a lot of anxiety about being separated from you. And. They just don't understand how this role is sleeping in his own bed. And you're sleeping in a different room. They want to be with you. Because they don't understand the time concept, like, oh, I'm just going to go to sleep and wake up in the morning and we're all going to be together again. Right. They haven't. Acknowledged that. But there's also some other subtle, but true elements to this. There is the fear of missing out right? FOMO. And your toddler is just beginning to learn what these transitions are. And they're thinking, oh, something else is going on. Mom's going to do something. Daddy's going to do something or the older brother, and sister's going to do something. And they don't really understand. Uh, how the structure works. And so they can't express to you like, well, I'm, you know, I'm afraid you're going to do something and I'm not going to be there to enjoy it with you. Um, they don't have the language or the con cognitive skills to think through that. They're just beginning. And most kids do also have a lack of self control. Right. They. They can't. They can't just shift gears. Oh, Yeah, look, it's seven 30 is time to, brush my teeth and get ready for bed. And now I'm going to climb into bed and read them. You know, They'll do that. Our goal is when they're seven. Or ate. Right. But when they're two and three and even four, they're still building that self control and understanding the time concept and that we ultimately, we all just go to sleep and then we wake up together. Right. And they're also just beginning to tap into that. Self-regulation And they're like getting riled up because they're unsure. And so they run around, they jump in the bed. They say, no, no, no. And you know, you're just. Exhausted and wanting to settle down. And yet there's no system, right? There's no. Process to it. Do you have a kind of work that out or perhaps you had it when you had full control over them? You can put them in their crib, but now they're sleeping in a big boy or a big girl sped. And things are different. There's lack of control, right? Plus a lot of kids also have difficulty understanding. And pudding. The real time into effect. Right? Like I said, that they don't conceptualize, oh, everybody's going to go to bed pretty soon. And mine's just an hour earlier than everybody else. and so there's a lot of just dysregulated thoughts and feelings and physical. anxiety, not necessarily in a bad, you know, like I'm going to have night terrors, although some kids do, but. They're just working themselves up. Also, we do have to respect that there are personality differences to consider, And that, At the end of the day. You have these kids, your kids, but most toddlers struggling with understanding this transition at the same time that you, my sweet new mama. Are simply wanting some free time, write a little time by yourself, or a little time with your partner or just to relax in front of a movie or to read a book or to take a bath or to sip some tea in peace and quiet. Right. So your looking at the watch or looking at the clock and saying, oh my gosh, every time you get out of bed and run around that. You know, that's another 10 minutes. And there's another 15 minutes and. We're chipping off. My private time, my quiet time, my grown-up time. Right. And so you have this dysregulation where he's worried about missing out or being separated from, and you just want some peace and quiet, right. And so it's a hard place to be. When you don't go into it with a plan and I'm a planner, if you haven't figured that out, but it works really well. Again, because we're setting the stage. We work through this system when they're two and three and four. And then when they're 7, 8, 9, 10, and beyond. They're pretty independent with it all. So let's see if we can. Itemize some of the structure. Some of the tools that can be helpful for any mom who's in charge of getting their kids to bed. And if you have a partner, who's, my husband traveled quite a bit, um, especially during the week. So I had to figure this out on my own, but I used a lot of my therapy strategies. And so that's what I want to share with you. We want to reduce that evening stress. And I want both your toddler and you and your partner, your whole family dynamics To, to be more calm and centered. So then you can get a good night's sleep and you can rest and recover and have a better day the next day. Right. So let's figure out how we can do this. And, and then you, on the flip side can gain some more adult time. So in this episode, we're going to talk about what I refer to is the evening bookends. So we have these two bookends the am and the PM. And, um, we can certainly talk about the morning routines at a later time, but I think it's important to really hone in on them separately. And. If you stay with me to the very end. I will share with you one of my best strategies. That, you know, it's kind of a, a therapy strategy, but then parents have taken it home and used it in a variety of ways that have really, really helped build this. This independence with your two, three and four year old, right? And, and I've had dozens and dozens of parents over the years gain great success and really bring some calmness and peace and harmony into their evening, their bedtime routine. So. And I remember distinctly that my daughter was young. And same. You know, to myself and to my husband, like, oh my gosh, I can't wait for her to get to sleep. And then I couldn't wait for her to wake up in the morning. Right. You had this. Internal poll where you love them to pieces and you want to be with them. But gosh, You just want some peace and quiet to yourself and some rest time. And you deserve it. Right. But there's that internal mother conflict and guilt and shame, and then frustration. And then we. You know, start yelling and start chasing and start threatening and nobody's happy. So let's look, there's a couple of points we're going to cover, and then I will, um, give you what my favorite strategy is. That really is great success at home. So the first point is that ROUTINES are key for any toddler, any child, right? Uh, and I just think that human beings work better on routines. But toddlers, especially because they're just beginning to. Tap into that. Self-regulation to be able to check in and, and take self control over their behavior, right. To modify. And it's exactly what we need. That self-control that self regulation for the smooth transitions. And this is an excellent time to introduce them and to practice. But. The challenging part is that it's at the end of the day. Right. And everybody's tired. Everybody's cranky, everybody's wired or wiped. Right. And, and emotions start to really, you know, Percolate. And so. The other piece to it is that whole fear of missing out is a real thing for kids. but they can't articulate it. But. Experts have, have kind of zoned in on this concept that, you know, they keep getting out of bed because they are afraid that something exciting is going to happen. Maybe they hear us talking and laughing. Maybe they hear the TV. Maybe, you know, the, hear the phone ring, whatever, and they're, they're afraid that they're going to miss out. and it's real. And, and so if you create this. This transition period, Then they're reassured that everybody's going to go to bed in a short amount of time and you're not going to miss out on anything. Right. But many kids. Are still actively curious and actively interested in what's going on in the other room. And they're looking for stimulation. They're looking for. To be stimulated to stay awake because, oh my gosh, I might miss something exciting. Right? But that's why these transition tools like music. Or rocking. Or humming and singing. right. I'm not a very good singer, but, um, bedtime stories. These are. And their cultural right. Cross the board. Many many, many, many cultures use these kinds of strategies to help sooth to transition. And let kids. Shift those internal gears. And find peace and settled down and, and know that, oh, I'm going to arrest and wake up with when the sun comes up. Right. So the second point is. Consistency is key. Right. So we need to figure out again, that's how we learn, right? If it's haphazard, we do it sometimes we don't do it other times, but if you're starting to build this consistency, this routine. And then you start to deviate from it. Then. Then kids really lose kind of that internal stability. and I'll, I'll demonstrate at the end, what we can do. Especially once you've established some routine, some consistency. And the things go a little wonky. Then, how do you get back on track? Right. But kids see it. If we're not consistent, kids see that, then they can negotiate it. Negotiate everything One more story. Right? One more pet, just stay five more minutes longer. But that's not your goal. Your goal is. Hopefully to share the load. With your partner, right. And to find these routines and th this consistency. So. After a while your kids become more and more independent with it, they know the process now. And they're not feeling left out. And so then we lower the stress. We lower the overwhelm. And. Because they know who does what, If you, if you have a partner and you say, okay, daddy does the bath and the teeth and the PJ's and then mama comes in and she does the cuddles and the stories and the singing. Or whatever your, your pattern is, your routine is right. But you all have, and this is the key, right? When, especially when you have dads involved, who sometimes have different energy levels too, and you all have to get on the same page and that that's important. but it's, but as you build this consistency, then your little toddler begins to kind of lead the charge and understand it. So the third point that I want to share is that. We have to SET THE STAGE or the framework. And that is part of slowing down the pace. Right. We dim the lights. That's really important and incredibly helpful, not just in his room, but in the hallway and the bathroom sometimes, or a lot of times nowadays we have very, very toxic lighting. And at night down we have to soften that. And I will, um, I don't have them on hand right now, but, you know, there are some different light bulbs that can really help. Uh, get kids in that mood, not only kind of the emotional mood, but really helped with the circadian rhythm. And lighting is very, very important. Both. The the new sunlight in the morning that helps turn on. Are are, wake up system, right. Or circadian rhythm, and then, really dimming them at night, but that's for a different episode, but, but it's important that You're setting the stage there and there's a lot, a wealth of science behind it. But kids, young kids especially feel uncomfortable if they're expected to settle in on their own. I think it's way too much to expect a toddler. You know, with all these different. Energy and thoughts and curiosity. And unsuredness because you know, a two two-and-a-half, three-year-old still really doesn't conceptualize how this world is working, right. Things are just happening to him. depending on his maturity and his language and his understanding, but I think it's really on, on healthy of us adults. To, place that burden even if you give them a bath and brush the teeth and read them a quick story and say, okay, night, night, right? But they have all of these, these thoughts, like I said, in this energy, still percolating in them and for them to settle down and deal with it in bed on their own is a lot to manage. Uh, at their age, right. And okay, honey, night-night you know, even if you say you weren't emotionally. In it. You know, you're too tired yourself. You're too spent. you rushed him through the bathroom, come on, let's brush these teeth and let's, you know, read this story that you're really not engaged in. Right. And there's this separation. And it happens to all of us. Trust me, I get it. It's real. They feel that and that, and so that makes them feel uncomfortable. So we have to help them. Transition and step into this process so they can shift and let go, and literally go to sleep. Right. so. Let's walk them through what we expect the process to be. We set a certain amount of books and that was always the sore spot in my family's like just one more book. And I remember. My daughter was pretty darn young, not even one and, um, or barely one. And we had a couple of younger sitters com. And we came back and I swear she had every book. out on the floor and this young babysitter's like, oh my gosh, she made me read one more and one more. One more. And so from then on, uh, we set, however old she was, then that's how many books we read and, So you set the number of books. If they're two, then you know, two short little books or she's three, but then you sit on the bed with her. You read the books, you tuck her in. You reassure her and then you move to the door. And you reassure her again, that everything is, is just fine. This is her bedtime, right? you have a bedtime at whatever 7 38 o'clock. I have a bedtime at 9 30, 10 o'clock, whatever it is. and you were sure her that you're always close by, right? And so these are gradual steps. And she, senses that she knows that she feels that, and you're adjusting the environment, according that you're going down to rest. Right. And so now the fourth point that I want to make and it will help you with this To use a transitional object, right. A blanket, a stuffed animal. And that that is associated with relaxing being comforted. You know, going to sleep. And so that blanket or stuffed animal isn't necessarily something that you carry around all the time, but that is something used at bed to go to sleep. Right. but keep the steps. And the expectations really, really simple, Identify one special object. And my daughter had a favorite blanket, right. She called it her DD. And she doesn't even remember it it's so funny, but it was, for the first three, four years, it was everything to her. but it's important that we set this framework and we understand how all of us need this transition. And there's a ton of people on YouTube and whatnot. But scientists and researchers looking at how you have a morning routine and you have an evening routine, and it really helps set the stage. And many of us refer to it as these bookends, but. Setting this framework, having routines. Being consistent, building that slower pace, having a transitional object. That is. Helping them understand how this environment is working. Right. This is what we do in our home. And so now I want to share what I alluded to earlier. One of my best tools and that's a VISUAL CHART. And I assure you that once you kind of get the hang of this, and once you establish it in your home, it will stop. You chasing your toddler down the hall or getting him to really listen and not, whine and, and push back. Right. It really helps build that calming state. And. Takes those power struggles. Out of the equation, It builds that that self-regulation builds. Independence. Over time, fairly quickly, even with a very, very young child. And I would suggest that you probably start this, around two, because typically around two is when. The average child will have their own independent bed give or take, you know, depending on your family. Lifestyle. And all of this, but, it really will build. Them, your son or daughter feeling empowered, right. That your, your toddler will have a sense of control and I'll show you how that plays out. But we're going to make it. Really clear and consistent and positive. Now the key here is that. Everything I mentioned in the framework is really kinda tucked in around here, uh, around this right. So. Here's the basic idea that you create it together with your toddler, even with a two year old, because they're. Their comprehension is coming together, Even though is. beginning to express themselves might be a little disjointed here and there, but at two they understand. If you've given them 24 months of good rich language. That they can start to walk through this process and build comprehension of all this makes sense. But you create it together, which is where that sense of control comes from. They get excited because they're doing it with you. And of course, you're going to adjust it with age and maturity. So it's going to be really, really simple. Right that whole kiss. Right? Keep it simple. Silly. Um, But. At two, it's going to be really basic. And then even at two and a half, you can. Create some more. To it, but. It will also take a couple of trials, even a couple of weeks until everybody kind of masters it. But for the most of the kids that I've ever worked with, after three or four days, they get it, they look forward to using this visual chart. I assure you that if you're consistent, right. And if you believe in it and believe in your two year old, Or you're two and a half year old. The struggles will be. Going to vanish. They will really begin. Measurably to just float away. Right. So the first thing is that you brainstorm a list of steps that you need. And like I said, even a two year old can do this. You ask them, you sit down. Maybe you you've prefaced it and prepared, right? You asked them, honey, what do we do? To get ready for bed. And they look at you and go hoop. And say. You know, and maybe you have some pictures out. He has say three pictures for a two, three pictures for, you know, closer to three. You're going to have up to five pictures. But you, you have a picture of maybe just a toothbrush. And then you have a book. And then you have, bathtub, right? And so what do we do first? We take a bath. We then what do we do? We brush our teeth. Then we read a book and then we go. You know, to sleep. Mimi's right. That's what we call it in my house. But. You may get very, very concrete and then you put it up on chart or a board. on the wall. And the idea is to get them involved, to understand that these are the steps and they understand and keep it really, really simple. but just some basic pictures that they can easily identify with. Like one object. Like I said, a toothbrush, a bathtub, and a book. As you move throughout your life. with this toddler two to three to four, and beyond that, this strategy with a visual chart works for chores and homework. Just make it as clean and simple as possible. And then you can have your toddler also be part of that. So say it's a simple picture and they could color it in, or they can use a highlighter and circle it. And, you could have, like I said, a bathtub and PJ's and a book, um, or a toothbrush or whatever the, the stages are that you want to focus. With, and then there, they kind of have their hand print on it, some form or fashion when they're a little bit bigger, you know, two and a half to three to three and a half, they can color in the picture. They can help you pick it out, all kinds of that stuff. But in the beginning, Be really developmentally. Meet them where they are right now. Here's the important part about a visual chart. That's what I'm talking about. You know, you can get a colored piece of paper and put these three pictures on. It needs to be big enough that it draws their attention, but you know, it doesn't have to be fancy and dynamic or any of that. But the key here. Is that we don't use any, like Checkmarx she got it done or a sticker, or there's no written words on it at this age, right? There's no bribing or rewards or you, if you get three check marks, then you get this, this and this. No. The whole idea. Is those things can work short term, you might get them to comply for a day or two or even a week. Right. But then it gets too complicated. It, what it is, is a visual reminder of what are we doing? And where's our focus need to be right. And it helps clear up some of that mud, Your goal is to help build independence, to build a peaceful bedtime, To create healthy sleep habits. Just like we create healthy eating habits, right? Healthy play habits. These are all habits, And so this, this is a visual reminder. So you look at them and say, what do we do first to get ready to go to bed? All right. We take a bath. and yes, you have to take off your clothes first. Right. But we're not going to get down to the nitty gritties. After we do the first thing, what do we do next? We've already done this. Uh, or you can ask them, have we done that? You know, as he's standing there with the towel wrapped around him, what's next. Right. Brush your teeth. Right. Later on. You can get a little bit more detail if you want to, but the whole idea is to spend time. With successful training, walk them through that, keep pointing them back to the visual chart. What are we doing? Like if they start running around, what do we gotta do? What's next. What's next. And really help them practice one step per night in the beginning. And really zone in on that. You can cue him by pointing. You can, point to his items, see, look, toothbrush, toothbrush. What do we got to do next? What do we gotta do? Right. Demo with them. And the whole idea. Is you want to be their cheerleader? And not the place and. I snagged that phrase from somebody years and years and years ago, but I thought it was brilliant. That. This is how toddlers learn best, right? Your toddler needs a cheerleader, not someone standing over them, threatening them or bribing them. Right. So practice by doing it with them, Once you've established this first level. Three years and a little bit older, then it all becomes much more natural, much more automatic for them. And they understand, oh, we have these certain. Routines the certain steps that we do every night to slowly transition and get ready, because sleep is just as a. Just as important. As healthy play. and if you can wrap your mind around that, then they can learn that too, that we spend, 8, 10, 12 hours as a child sleeping. And letting her body recover. And that's a whole nother episode. I love to talk about sleep. But. For now let's focus on creating three. Steps in your visual chart. Keep it simple. Right. There's there's a difference between bed time and sleeping. So we're getting ready for bed. because some kids will, even after you leave, we'll lay in bed there they're relaxed enough. They're comfortable. They know you're just around the corner. There's no, FOMO, fear of missing out. Um, And they'll talk to themselves, maybe they'll talk with that stuffy or their finger puppets or whatever. That's okay. That's okay. They need that transition and some kids will need a few more minutes. Let them. As long as they're not getting out of bed in causing havoc. Right. Kids will often stay awake for a few more minutes and let them find their natural rhythm in falling asleep. Right. The key here is if they have this transition with you that there's this natural, healthy calming down, winding down. Then they know how to anticipate and expect that sleep is also natural and is it feels relaxing and restorative and peaceful. Right? So they've experienced that calmness. We don't want a child to go to bed all stressed out because that's not going to be peaceful for them. You know, let the routine and let the visual chart be the boss, right? You're not the boss you keep pointing back to. Oh, what do we gotta do next? So. for example, if they start to get behind or they're starting to get distracted or a little riled up again, simply go back to that visual chart point to the picture. What's next Tawny. What do we need to do to get to your story? In the bed. What do we have to do first? Right. Or you could point and say, As soon as we do. Fill in the blank, then we can do. Fill in the blank, right? You're, you're kind of prompting them along the steps. the whole idea is that you're using that visual chart as, as kind of the gatekeeper, right? You're staying calm. On point. And you put the power back in their hands. You decide. Or you could say even. We did a and B. Hm. Is there one more step to do? What's next. Again, Bringing the relevance to them. Training them or teaching them or practicing with them, how to think. Right. How to process and think. and then here's just a good rule of thumb that when you have kids five and under. Always do what with them. And it's less prompting in the beginning if there's a lot of hand over hand, right. When there's two and when he's two and a half, but I assure you that if you just are holding these visual cues, and then you cheerlead, right? You're not. Being the, the policemen and, and, you know, telling them when they're doing something wrong. But then your child. We'll really follow through lead the charge and say, oh, we've got to do this next. We gotta do this next. But I have to say that I've used a visual chart method like this hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times over the years in therapy, I just would have a whiteboard and I would draw my funny, funny little stick figures. I'm The worst artist in the world, but kids never care. They don't care about the pictures. They know that, that funny little mark. Represent something. but I would always just put three to five tasks depending on the child, depending on their ability on the white boards. And then always bring them back. Oh, did we do this yet? Are we done with, you know, whatever it is playing this exercise game or doing this. task and what's next? What are we going to do next? So using this method, For nighttime routines can be gold. Right? Keep it simple. Use appropriate language that fits them where they are be their cheerleader, not their police. Right. And. Just have fun. And, and understand that. These bookends are critical for a successful day. Explore the possibilities. Especially during the summer. And I've been talking a lot about that in these last several episodes, because I know our schedules get wonky. Right. and it's hard. You know, w when sometimes if you're in the north and the Northeast, especially you know, the sun doesn't go down until nine 30, right. So we can get lost in that, sometimes. and so we have to be mindful, You've got this. So thanks again for sharing your time with me and remember, sign up for my email list to receive a heads up on all the summer guests that are coming. God bless and I'll see you next episode.