Talking Toddlers
As a new mom, don’t you wish you had someone whispering in your ear with practical and trustworthy guidance? Finding clarity can be challenging these days, and the uncertainty seems almost deafening. Talking Toddlers breaks down how our children grow, learn & develop - by building relationships, human connections, and learning through language. I’m Erin Hyer, a licensed speech-language pathologist - and for nearly 35 years I’ve played with kids on the floor, inspired parents to use everyday routines for learning, consulted with early educators, and trained graduate students to move beyond the classroom and “think outside the box.” My purpose is clear - understand how the brain learns to learn, bridge any gaps before they turn into life-long challenges, and keep kids moving forward. I don’t believe in “taking anything for granted” or “leaving it to chance.” Nor do I subscribe to accepting the increasing “new normal.” Parents are in a very special position to create a language-rich home environment & truly guide kids to thrive, to learn through everyday activities, while building confidence, flexibility and a true curiosity for learning. Episodes will bring practical ideas, as well as, some deep dives to help you understand why there are roadblocks? I believe we are more likely to implement strategies and activities or make changes if we know the reasoning behind them. My goal - to help moms feel empowered and toddlers happier. Please join me every Tuesday, Talking Toddlers where moms come for clarity, connection and courage. Stay tuned for amazing interviews, discussions & practical guidance on how Talking Toddlers learn to thrive - at home - with their moms!
Talking Toddlers
Building Independence: Why is Boredom Your Toddler’s Best Friend?
You don't need to interact with and entertain your baby during every waking moment.
Babies need time on their own, too, so they can gradually start to understand that they're independent from you.
Slowing life down a bit and letting your child be bored can have lots of benefits.
One of the first things you may notice - even in very young babies - is that it allows them to explore on their own.
They seek out what interests them instead of relying on us to provide them with something to be interested in.
Your little one deserves the best, and it starts with embracing the beauty of boredom.
That’s where boredom gives children an inner quiet that helps with imagination and self-awareness.
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In this episode, we'll uncover 10 essential strategies that every new mom can use to harness the power of natural boredom.
Let's break the myth that constant entertainment is the answer and explore how giving your child the space to BE BORED can actually lead to more fulfilling, imaginative play.
If you're ready to unlock the magic of building independent play and nurturing your child's healthy development, join me on this insightful journey.
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The truth to all of this means that your toddlers are very, very capable to entertain themselves. If we give them the space and opportunity to be creative. They will find peace within themselves with very little, with some stubby pencils and tissue. And an old bar of soap. I kid you not. just keep that in mind when you're Hello and welcome to Talking Toddlers, where I share more than just tips and tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. We're going to cover all of that, but here, our goal is to develop clarity, because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction, to never give up, to tap into everyday activities so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind. He's thriving through your guidance. We know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started. The art of letting your baby or toddler be bored is a game changer for both you mom and your little one. And yes, you heard me correctly. It's an art. I've spent over three decades in this field. And trust me, embracing boredom is a key ingredient in fostering independence. And creativity for your little guy or gal. So in this episode, we'll uncover 10 essential steps that I highly recommend. That will help you harness the power of natural boredom. Before we get started, let's break the myth that constant entertainment is your answer. Even with babies and toddlers, we have to find that dance, that nice rhythm. I can't tell you how many moms have asked me over the years. Do I have to play with my little guy or gal every single minute of every single waking day. The key here is to give your child the space to be bored. Then that actually leads to more fulfilling and more imaginative play. The last episode, I talked a lot or I dove deep into the imaginative play and how that's developed over time that you're a little guy or gal needs to learn how to pretend by moving through five specific stages. So if you haven't heard that episode after this one, it's not necessarily. In order, so you can listen to it afterwards, but go back and listen to episode 77 and it's titled why does pretend play matter? And it was published on February 27th. But before we can go there to get your three-year-old to have that imaginative or, or role playing, right. That pretending with his peers. We need to start with building independence. So, although there are five stages. For pretend the first step is to really be able to spend time alone with him or herself, right. That independent play part of that is really boredom. And that's part of that process. What am I going to do with myself and how do I feel. When I'm by myself and I have toys in front of me or activities that I could engage with. So let's unlock the easy strategies of building the independent play. And before we do that, I have to first define what is boredom and how do we grownups. Look, both at boredom and play through a different lens. your child doesn't understand what is play versus what is not play, nor do they understand what boredom is. Right. So when it comes to toddlers and boredom, it's important to understand that. Boredom. Isn't just a lack of stimulation. And what research has taught us is that toddlers or two toddlers and boredom is a crucial part of their cognitive development. And I talk a lot about cognition here, and that's what we're doing. We're building their cognitive skills that would include thinking problem solving, sustained attention. I E independent play. Planning organizing, prioritizing. That's all that cognition building. And it's not about having nothing to do. Instead, it's an opportunity for their brains to explore. To engage and then create on their own terms. So you and I define boredom in our adult life much differently than. If we're looking at a toddler 1, 2, 3, or even four, and five-year-olds, so we have to understand that boredom is a necessary developmental process or cognitive skills that we need to work through. It encourages your child to tap into their natural curiosity. And I'm always talking about curiosity here, too. That's what we want. We. Children are naturally curious, right? They reach for your earring. They reach for your glass. They reached for the paper in front of you. They reach for everything because they want to bring the world to them. But in order to tap into that. We have to give them opportunities. And then let them sit in it for a while and see how they respond. So, I don't want you to think of boredom. As. An inconvenience or something to be avoided. It's really, really important. To say to yourself, okay. I want my 5, 6, 7 year old to be able to play independently, to be able to entertain themselves. Internally. Right. And it starts, like, I always say here in infancy, right? And so don't think of it as an inconvenience or something to be avoided, but rather think of it as a valuable moment for self discovery. And so you can look at the extremes, you mama, or daddy or Nana, or whoever is taking care of your baby. Most of the time you could entertain him or her every waking hour, but that's not sustainable. It's not realistic nor is it healthy for them or you. Right. And that's where that those moms. Would always ask me, do I, how much do I have to play with them? And over time, you'll see how you can slowly walk back and build their independence. And so the other extreme, you know, you could entertain them every time they're awake or you could use some device and you know how I feel about devices. That will prompt them or stimulate them or quote unquote, entertain them. And that's not a healthy brain. Development trust me. And we'll talk more and more about the pros and cons to all of that, but especially in those first. Three or four years it's passive, right? There's no engagement and we're building. Curiosity, we're building language based learning skills. It's overstimulating. And there's no curiosity, like I said, right. There's no true engagement. Even if they, you know, push a touch screen. And it's highly, highly toxic. But the caveat here is that learning to read your baby or your toddlers behaviors will help mitigate potential challenges. And that's, I talk a lot about knowing the rhythm of your baby, right. And knowing how they respond during different times of the day to build those routines. So it's important. For each mama out there to look for signs of restlessness or frustration or a disinterest. Because then this will indicate that they need a change of environment or a change of activity that they're not in a good place to build that independence. And on the other hand, if your little one is engaged with solo play, even if it seems really simple to you and highly repetitive, right? Putting blocks in, taking blocks out, putting blocks in, dumping them out. But that's where they're in that positive exploration state. And they're engaged and they're building neuro pathways. So being attuned with your little guy or gal. Really can help you figure out is this a good time? To allow them to play more independently. And I can slowly, but surely step away. Right. You're helping them shape. Healthy. I play habits and minimizing the development. Of what could be perceived as a bad habit, right. That they're always looking for somebody else to play with them to initiate where they're whiny or they. They get frustrated or they have poor attention or they're uncooperative they're disengaged, they're fleeting attention. All of those are quote unquote, bad habits. And we want to go in there, especially, under three and help them build. They're the skills. These different types of play and this different types of engagement. So remember if there's a balance that we're striving for. And allowing your toddler, the space to navigate their own world. While providing them gentle guidance as needed. Right. So there are different. Times of day and different routines in which you can really shape this and hone this and reinforce this. So today I'm going to walk through 10 strategies. Or ideas to help you set up the environment. So it's highly, highly successful. So the first recommendation. Is to start young. And I mean, young. Right. So think of it from birth to three months, there are going to be brief periods where your baby will kind of stare out to space or, you know, just kind of sit and be comfortable. You know, wiggling in his seed or cooing or babbling. To themselves, not really babbling at three months, but cooling and making noises and figuring out, oh my gosh, my body is kind of attached to itself. And how do I, how do I move? And so you're going to have these fleeting brief moments. But baby should begin to follow moving objects with their eyes and then reach for things at around three months of age. So that's this big turning point. Where, you know, prior to that, You know, from birth to about three months, they only couldn't see clearly for eight to 12 inches. And that's why there's that connection with you or the primary caretaker during feedings and changings? You're in their visual field. And so that's why using things like immobile over their head or. hanging toys that they can kind of reach. If they're in a little bouncy seat where they might be interested in watching the fans spin above them, because they're starting to see different shades of light from further and further away where they might look at sunlight through a window or shutters. Or, the tree is blowing back and forth and they can see the reflections. Through the window or on the wall. So those kinds of things during that birth to three. They're going to be interested in eye gazing, right? That's going to intrigue them enough and that's daydreaming or that's just. Or that's just being present in the moment. Then around six months of age. Again, these are baby steps, right? They should be able to entertain themselves for five minutes. And this is average. Some kids are going to be seven or eight. this is a great time for them to be able to sit up on their own on the floor, on a blanket with a few little toys in front of them. And you slowly, but surely sit away, you kind of inch your way. So they're engaged with whatever toys in front of them, or maybe it's a mirror or something, the end, you just zip your lips. Right. You look away, you let them find the moment, right. Or perhaps they're in tummy time and they're looking in the mirror and they're happy, right. They're engaged with their beautiful face and they're reaching for things more. They're six months old. They're a lot stronger. And there are a lot more in tune with their immediate environment. Maybe there's some bright toys that they're really reaching for, or maybe they're in one of those bouncer seats, right? Not a bouncer in the doorway, and those are never recommended and that's for a different topic, but in one of those bouncer seats, Uh, and usually you babies like to sit there five, 10 minutes between the ages of three months and six months. And you could have that's when you could have a mobile aisle. Above them. And they could be reaching for things right. Again, back away. Always, always, always keep an eye on them and, be ready to jump in if they fall over or start to wiggle too much or whatever. But. Just let them be, let them get engaged with their immediate environment on their own. Then around 12 months or up to 12 months. Babies, your baby, your one-year-old. Can play independently or engage with themselves. For 15 minutes. And your life begins to change at that at this stage, as you know, because they're crawling or walking. They're sitting and rolling and they're climbing up things. They're very, very mobile. So you then have to be environmentally safe. Right. And we'll talk about how to set that up. But at 12 months you should be looking at 15 minutes. That if you're giving them opportunities from three months of age, till now, they've had nine months of building that independent play. And then at 18 months of age, they should be able to play for 20 minutes on their own. And these are average timeframe. Some kids are going to be a lot more than that. Some kids are going to be slightly under and you're going to have to encourage them broaden that, that muscle. Right. And then a by their second birthday, close to 30 minutes again, give or take. And we'll talk about how to set up the environment and we'll talk about timing is everything right? But it's the learning process. So look where you both are today. And measure it right. Can they. Engage with a toy on their own without me stimulating or prompting them on their own two minutes, five minutes, 10 minutes. And then go from there, make a plan based on this outline. All right. The second strategy would be for you, mama and dad, and grandma to take play very seriously. And I've mentioned this before, but I think is really, really important, especially in this modern world. That play is the medium in which all of our children learn. Right. They're building neuropathways they don't know what play means. They don't know what work means. They don't know what. Awake and sleep means all they know is that when they're awake, That something is going to be happening in their environment. Right. But it's. Through their interactions, their play engagement. That build the social emotional skills, build self-regulation and cooperation. Build those cognitive skills I talk about and those physical development, fine motor and gross motor. Right? Those big motor. Like crawling and walking. And then the fine motor, like feeding themselves and speech. And I, I cite Dr. Stuart brown a lot here because his work has really. Influenced me and how I, work with children over the last 35 years. But Dr. Brown always stipulates that the opposite of play is actually depression. It's not, we'll you and I will often think you either work and then you play, right. Those are separate entities, but what he's looked at. Over decades. Is that adults who haven't had a lot of open unstructured pretend engaged, play time. That they're more at risk for having depression later on in life that there isn't, that. We don't, we're not bringing that unstructured joy that we get in a play activity. And you and I can define play. I mean, gardening could be play right. Or painting could be play. And then the other person could look at that and say, well, I hate gardening or I can't paint. And I'm not going to enjoy that, but I like other kinds of play like swimming or hiking. And so it's really important that we're setting the stage for a life long. Emotional stability, lifelong creative exploration. And it's, and there's a lot of research around this. And unfortunately, I think the modern world has pushed quote unquote academics. Onto our toddlers and even our babies. And I've always looked at it. As we've kind of bastardized the whole play concept, right? That we've turned play into this four letter word. That. Oh, you're just, you know, and, and I've been accused of this with parents saying you're just playing with my kid. That's not quote unquote therapy. You're supposed to be teaching them. And I'm like, your child is 18 months. They learn through play like engagement. Of course, I'm going to play bubbles or I'm going to play, dress up or feed the baby because that's how they're learning. That's the only thing that they're physically. Cognitive and emotionally capable of handling. And so it gets bastardized like that because the term play no longer represents the values or qualities that is intended to represent. If we make it academic, oh, name this name, this, what color is this? Count? These four blocks or build this or do that. Play. Really means to provide opportunities for your child to explore, engage experience in the real three dimensional world. So with typically not goal directed. I mean, yes, I can play with kids and I have goals like, oh, I want them to answer my wh questions or I want them to imitate me I'll have these. Barry goal's in the back, but real natural play for your little one is not goal directed. Nor should it be. Driven on a flat passive screen either. And I, I know many of my listeners have heard me say this over and over again, but it really. Interferes with healthy neuro-development healthy language and cognitive and imagination and building curiosity. when we in this modern world have pushed more quote, unquote learning academics. That we tell our kids how to play. Or we lead the charge. Oh, let's build a house and let's, organize the furniture and let's, Do some cooking and cleaning and all of this. Then we've pushed onto them. Highly structured. Formal even competitive play. Right. I mean, and I remember I was just as guilty taking, my little one to mommy, me classes, right. Or to music classes. Or to swim classes and I scheduled play dates. Although I have to admit, I was never a big fan of early play dates when there are. two and a half. and we can talk about this in later episodes, but they don't get a lot out of that. I mean, mama's might need that time with another mama and then you have two babies that play independently by themselves. But. We've set up these structured formal. Organized play experiences, and they're still at this kind of exploration. Let me just hang here by myself and figure it out. And I think it's really sad. I'm not sure when this happened, but probably in the last 10 years. That the American academy of pediatrics actually had to publish in their formal recommendations to prescribe. And that means to literally write a prescription. For play. With children. And they particularly have to outline that it's unstructured play. That it's not a question and answer or flashcards or a book or any of this that parents have lost or perhaps. Ben misdirected what play is and isn't. So just keep that in mind as you're building your routines throughout the day. So the third we, we looked at start them young. And then take place seriously. And the third, one of this list of 10 is to create a place space. And, you know, you know, this, that they always need. ear and eye shot, right? So if your putting your six months or your eight month old. In a play area on a blanket. Depending on how mobile they are, whether they're they're crawling yet. But you have to let them have a space where it's really. There's no rules, right? And it's not fun. Play for a, for a toddler, a one, two or three year old. To have those limitations where their rules were. Oh, you can't touch that. You can't go here. You can't do that. Don't, climb over here. They need. To feel comfortable to explore. Write that there. That you and I are always redirecting them or telling them, oh, no, honey, don't play with that. They need a space that they're free to explore. And that they can be responsive to the environment. And this is what's building that cognitive skills, right? Cause and effect. And problem solving that early, early stages. Yeah, and they have to be open to be curious, to try new things, but if work constantly having to redirect them. So even play could be. If you're washing dishes and then you can just give them some pots and pans and they can play on the floor next to you. As you're washing the dishes. Or if you're working at the counter for whatever, right. You're writing a paper or reading a book or, paying bills or. Focusing on your schedule or whatever that they could be close to you and playing independently. The fourth strategy at this age particularly is to keep the toys simple age appropriate. Right? So if something is too challenging, And your child will need your help. Then that's defeating the purpose. So focus quality over quantity. You can look at blocks or those big fat Legos, right? Scarfs. Sorters, uh, containers, you know, Different sizes and shapes. But if there's also too many toys, then that's overwhelming. So If there's too much, then they don't know what to do with all of that. that's an overload on their psyche. Right. And it reduces their attention span. Which is actually the direct opposite of what your goal is. So keep that in mind. That as you're setting up your routines and you're trying to build in some independent time where there's a few minutes or several minutes. That they have just enough. To engage with. And at this time, speaking of engagement, I just wanted to step in here. And ask a big favor. If you haven't yet had the chance to leave a positive review, there's a link down in the description box that you can just click and go right to the space for leaving a review is the only way to expand my reach and connect with like-minded moms. Just like you. I know many of you get a lot of benefits from these episodes because I get your DMS. I get your emails and I want you to keep reaching out to me. I love responding. if you can write a positive review, cause you know how the algorithm works and I just want to say thanks for helping me help you and reach more moms. So now the fifth strategy would be to rotate toys. And I've mentioned rotating toys here and there, but this is really. A simple. Strategy that can really make a huge difference with all your kids. And again, I can't tell you how many times I've done home visits. And Ben very, very surprised at. How playrooms are just inundated with stuff. And, and I know it gets tricky, especially if you have two or three kids and you have different ages. But if we can just step back especially when they're little. under five. To help them understand. To build their attention and their focus and their purpose because all of this stuff is new to them. But having a rotating system. Really can build their interest level. And I think it's so much easier on parents and families. There's less mess, less stuff to purchase. And the truth is sometimes your toddler likes to come back to toys that you might think are too easy. But because they like repetition. And some familiarity, but then they like to discover new ways to play with some old favorites. That's why. Parents are still shocked when they're three or four year old would play with Mr. Potato head. The truth is five and six year olds.'cause it's just warm, fuzzy. And, and they love exploring and they're much more elaborate. With what they do with Mr. Potato head, then. when they're too. So keep that in mind, as you're looking at the toys and, and rotating them and really helping them. with building their interest and keeping it. And so there's no minimum number of toys needed. But there's a lot of research that does support toddlers who had fewer toys in their environment, actually play with each toy longer. because it seems to allow them better focus and to become more creative with what they have. And so I want to tell you this, share this story with you because I've told it hundreds of times over the years, but my daughter was approaching her fourth birthday. So she was about three and a half. And I was trying to help her learn how to be responsible and clean up her toys and truth. Be told if you haven't figured this out yet, I'm pretty much a minimalist. I like less is more. I think it said. response to my chaotic childhood with my nine brothers and sisters. But. And my daughter was a pretty good independent player. she had her little people, a house and a farm set and did a lot of dress up. With some fairies and whatnot. And, and I remember this one weekend where I got a little frustrated because I was asking her to pick up her toys. During the day or between activities. And I kind of warned her. I said, you know, you're gonna lose some privileges if you can't take care of them better. And it's kind of messy. I can't even walk. On your floor. Um, and it came back 20 minutes later and nothing had changed. And so I kind of. Got a little frustrated and I gathered up all of her toys, her dress up clothes, and I just put them all in this big green garbage bag. And I have to admit I'm not necessarily proud of my overreaction. But my husband was just kind of laughing at me and my nanny at the time, oligo was really shocked that I was being, she felt like I was going over the top, which I was, however, it really helped all of us see the insight of what this three and a half going on four year old was capable of doing. You know, I wanted to teach her how to take better care of her room and yet. After taking that big green bag with all of her favorite things. I came back about an hour later. and I ho I heard Olga kind of go back and forth and, and whatnot, but. I wanted to, see how she was doing and get ready for dinner. And I was stunned because she had found a couple of stubby pencils and she pulled out some tissue. And she wrapped. The stubby pencils with the tissue to make dresses. And they were dancing on her bed and they were getting ready to go to the ball. They were going to drive on this bar of soap. That, uh, her little dollies were sitting on or her Dolly's I E pencils. And then she had used these rolled up socks. I think they were probably dirty socks, but socks too. So the Dolly could go to bed after they came back from the ballet. And I took everything I had to not like jump up and hug her. Because I just thought her creativity was just spot on. And that. Less is more. And the funniest thing, and she doesn't remember the story and I. I do think that she gets a little frustrated with me when I tell it, but that big, large green bag of toys and dress up clothes stayed in the spare room for weeks. And because I just wanted to see, when was she going to ask for it? Right. She still had all of her books and she was a big book lover from early on. And I would never, ever take those away. And she had the outside, we lived in Southern California and we were blessed with a fenced in yard. So she had that freedom, right. And she just played with rocks and sticks and grass. Yes. She had a place set and she had a little scooter. I get all of that. So she had other things, but at the end of the day, all of the stuff that was bothering me, In her in her bedroom really didn't matter. She didn't miss it. And I was stunned. But. The truth to all of this means that your toddlers are very, very capable to entertain themselves. If we give them the space and opportunity to be creative. They will find peace within themselves with very little, with some stubby pencils and tissue. And an old bar of soap. I kid you not. So just keep that in mind when you're cleaning up the toys for the umpteenth time or sorting them. Or rotating them. What do they really gravitate toward? What are they really interested in? And just keep that in the back of your mind. So number six in this list of 10 would be to limit the toys that quote unquote entertain. In other words, no batteries, please. Ah, again, I know you guys. Are shaking your head and looking at me and saying, what. And. With kids under three, especially. The best choices for independent play. Remember, that's what we're trying to build here. Your last episode was all about learning, how to pretend. And so if there's battery operated and you push a button and it makes music or so lots of bells and whistles and lights and. They're not imagining stuff. Things are acting reacting to them. Right. But the best choices for independent play are ones that your baby and your toddler can explore in a lot of different ways. And it doesn't always have to be purposeful, right. A pencils for writing, but. According to my daughter. It, it was a pretty good. Dolly that she could dress up with a tissue. so think again, outside the box, Tupperware containers with lids. Different sizes blocks and figurines shoe boxes. That's a great one. And they can decorate the outside or just put stuff in there. Any box. The truth is kids like boxes for whatever reason. And then as they get older, you know, different art materials. Thick fatty chalk pieces or markers right there still. They don't have that fine pincer grip quite yet. And so they need. Fatter. Tools to use, but papers of different textures. Glue and tape tape, tape, duct tape. And again, I'm not sure when this happened, but probably. 1520 years ago when all the duct tape. Came all different colors and styles and. Kids were making all kinds of things, you know, from girls were making little wallets and purses and boys were making knives and, but duct tape or that painters tape, right. There's green, blue kids love that. But then the traditional moral, the little dollies, the little people, animals, baskets, vehicles of all sizes. But rotate them. Don't let it just be in disarray for your sanity as well as your little guy or gal. You'll remember to keep some organization, rotate the toys, help sort them, and that's helping their language and understanding to, oh, these are all farm animals. These are all zoo animals. They live in different places in the world. These are people. These are ducks, again, helping them look at same and different and categorization it's all happening. Kind of on the subconscious level, you're not testing them. Is to just helping them see how the world. Is made up. And always, be focusing on age appropriate materials. And then number seven of those list of 10, Start young. Take place seriously. Look at the place space where they have freedom to explore. I keep the toys simple and age appropriate. Rotate the toys. Limit the batteries. And then number seven, examine your expectations. And you can go back to the timeframes that I outlined in the very beginning of this. Right. And you're going to be working up to these at six months. Your baby can and quote, unquote, entertain him or herself for about five minutes. Be realistic. At one year of age, about 15 minutes. At 18 months of age, about 20 minutes and at 24 months, about 30 minutes. And currently, if you have an older toddler, And they haven't really developed these independent play skills because you haven't really understood how to support them. Then begin at the beginning with five minutes. And then extend that time frame. As they build their tolerance and their, their own curiosity use these same strategies. And, and I've mentioned this and I will have a link down below, but that red visual clock, there's a lot of research on this. And even some adults who were, biohackers or people who are, you know, developing the perfect work morning and work flow state in all of that, they use these red visual clocks and I've used them my entire career, both personally, and then with children. But that helps them understand what it feels like for five minutes and they can visually see it count down. And some of them do have a noise maker or a. An alarm that goes off. I've never used that those, but, you decide whether you want. A timer or not, or if it's just the red countdown, but be purposeful. If you have a slightly older toddler and they're really not able to play by themselves yet, that's something that can be taught and learned. Make a plan and build an everyday routine into it. No matter where you are on this continuum or on this journey. Then the number eight of this list would be to start with time together, and then you slowly wean yourself away. And again, I've bottled this hundreds and hundreds of times with parents as they watched through the one way mirror where, I start to play with the little guy or gal. And then I back away. Usually I will like open up a book or start writing. And I'll say, oh, I just have to write this down. You continue to play. And, give them three minutes or five minutes. Just to show and share with the parents that they are capable of doing it, that they don't have to be in your face or entertained by you all the time. So you can start. Playing together and then slowly wean away. No matter where you are on this journey. One year old, two year old, three year old. You may need to do some modeling, like all parenting, right. We model how to crawl. We model how to walk. We model how to. Talk and sing and play games. We model how to chew our food. Right. We model how to put our clothes on. So you might have to help them a lot of hand over hand. But slowly you back away. If they're starting to play with the little people or the boats or the trucks or play in the sandbox, then you just scoot your bum back a little bit, pick up a magazine or a book. Or S or just whisper. I got to go potty. And you don't really have to go potty cause you still want to visually supervise them, but just step away. Around the corner and keep an eye on them or I'm just going to get some water. I'll be right back. But the other key point here is don't pull out your cell phone in front of them. You can do other things. If you need to check an email or send a text or do something, then get out a visual view from them. So you can stand up and say, you have a countertop and you can then check your email, but you can still see them playing on the floor. But, During this. This training. Think of it as training, you can pretend to go through your mail or you can then unload the dishwasher or fold some clothes. I'm just going to fold clothes and you play over there. You know, sometimes they'll want to fold clothes with you, but if they're engaged, And you started playing with them and then you're slowly inching your way back. Then let them stay there because they're enjoying the moment. But I do recommend that you don't pull out your laptop because that's too distracting. It's too intoxicating for us humans. All of us humans, whether you're two or 20 or 50. So you can be close, but have separate tasks. The whole idea is that we're building. There that they become less reliant on you and we're building their independence, their curiosity, their self-regulation. They begin to settle down. They're in the zone, right? They're just happy to be messing around with these toys. Nobody's in their space. And they're, curious, oh, how did these fit together? Or can I fill. More things up in this box. Can I move it? Can I lift it? Can I push it? Can I dump it? What happens if I roll it? They begin to find joy in themselves. And they're content with their own thoughts. Right? It's. They don't have a lot of language, so they don't have it like deep worries or a to-do list or any of that, but they're becoming more self-reliant that's starting to emerge. They're focusing on whatever they're playing with. And then they'll begin to problem solve. Oh, that didn't work so well, I guess I can't put stack those things up or that doesn't fit inside of this. And nobody's invading their space. Nobody's reaching in front of them to fix a fallen tower. They have to fix it themselves. Or maybe, they want to put a little throw blanket over this chair and make a tent out of it. And they need to figure that out themselves. So there's a lot of opportunity. And if mama, you have a toddler right now who plays independently for 20 or 30 minutes. Congratulations. You've done a great job. And in later episodes, I will talk about other types of play, like how to introduce board games and card games. But let them play independently as long as possible because you want that to move into their elementary school years and their middle school and high school. But don't forget that red timer I'll have a link down below. Because you'd be surprised at how well. Once they have that visual countdown. Whether it's 10 minutes or 15 minutes. 20 minutes. They're cool. And now number nine. And I know I say this a lot here, but it needs it's. It needs to be repeated. To remove the screens. I know that's a big one. But I have to include it here because. Society at large. Is giving you bad information. I want you to think of what is your goal? Your immediate goal, your long-term goal and your extended goal. We're building independent play skills. Which means that they have to do something. It's not passive. And screens are passive. So keep in mind. That we don't want background distractions. Because we all know, like I said, it's very addicting. But if something pops up and you really need to answer a text or an email. Then step around the corner and do it privately. And it's okay for you mom To build boundaries. You know, you don't let your toddler play with your expensive sunglasses. You don't let them play with your fragile necklace or jewelry or a fragile wineglass. Right. That you set up boundaries. Note, this isn't a toy. It's not a toy. You're helping them understand. Where the boundaries are. This is mama's work phone. So the more purposeful you are in the beginning, then the stronger the foundation is. And then that builds and allows you all your whole family. Real independence. Because then you, you trust them to make good judgment. They're not going to get into stuff that doesn't belong to them because they have interesting toys and they know how to interact with them. When there are three and four. And then the final one. we started with start young. Number two take play very seriously. Give them place space, right? That's safe and open and free. Keep the joy or keep the toys simple. Rotate the toys. Limit the entertainment type toys with batteries, right? Examine your expectations. What are appropriate age expectation. And you can, no matter where you are on this journey, start with playing with them and then slowly wing yourself away. Remove all the screens. Uh, toddler does not need screens. I know there are people on the internet. That say, oh yeah. I can teach my kid how to read at three and I can teach him vocabulary. Can have a thousand words at one. No, I'm sorry. That's just simply not true. And some of you might think that that's true, but. In my 35 years of experience, that's not how the human brain grows and learns and develops and becomes this curious, communicative. Playful kid. But number 10 then. Is to make these quiet times to play part of your daily routine. So in the beginning I would target an am and a PM timeframe. And it will take a little time and you have to be purposeful just like baby led. Weaning is really important that you have to be mindful. It's not Willy nilly. You know, find a place, find the materials that what's the best time of day. After they're rested and fed and relaxed because you want this to be successful. You want them to play five minutes or 10 minutes on their own and feel great about it. And you can give them new vocabulary. Oh, this is your quiet play time. Yes, there are other times when we go outside and we play tag and we run around and act crazy and jump and climb and, you know, All kinds of rough and tumble oldness and sing loud songs. But this. Is quiet playtime. You play quietly over here, you can make a little noise. You can talk to yourself, you can talk to your animals and, and all of that. But it's all by yourself and kids love that, right? They want to do it all by themselves. They don't want, they want to get dressed all by themselves. They want to climb up in the bed all by themselves. They want to open the door all by themselves and here. You get to play. All by yourself. Isn't that cool. Right. It's all about how, who we bring our attitude. And then. They learn through us. So then of course I have a bonus and that is just a subtle nuance, which would be to avoid commenting too much on their play. So you don't want to yell across the room. I have great job Sammy. You're really playing awesome by yourself. I love it. Mama loves it. Mama. Thanks you. No, no, no, no, no. It's quiet playtime. Right. And I know that it's well-intended and parents do it. Teachers do it. Even therapists do it. Right. But if you interrupt them, then they shift their attention away from what he's doing onto you. And our goal is to build their sustained attention, their engagement with whatever they're creating or playing with, or building or coloring or. Painting or taping, whatever it is. So imagine you're doing some activity that you're enjoying yourself, whether it's reading or painting or writing some birthday cards or Christmas cards, writer, or, purging your closet or cleaning out The fridge. Right. You're enjoying it. I love cleaning out closets and purging stuff. Right. But you don't want to be interrupted you and say, Hey, what are you doing this great. That looks awesome. Tell me about it. Oh, you just want to go on about your business. You're in the zone. You know, Now if you're a little one looks over at you. Or hollers to you. you can wink, give them a thumbs up. but they're initiating that, but you don't want to disrupt. They're quiet time. They're quiet playtime. Right? And what's really cool. And this happens over and over and over again. Is that if you set it up that they can have quiet play time after dinner. It really helps with that transition helps settle them down. Disengage with, a lot of the busy-ness in the day. Helps them focus. Be quiet, just breathe and play with your stuffed animals or look at books. And they chill. Before getting ready for bed. Now the caveat here is that it's pretty common for dads. I know I'm kind of ratting you out. That dads will do this kind of rough housing before bed. I don't know why you guys tend to do this, but it's a pretty classic scenario. Don't try your best to avoid that. Right. You want to transition to bed, to sleep, to rest, to calm. And so that's why it's great to do it. In the morning. give them opportunity to really feel. That that independence. And then again in the evening. It could even be in the bath tub with supervision. And this was part of our classic evening routine. My daughter loved long baths. So I can't tell ya. You. the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of baths. Where I sat on the floor, I would often read books. Or write reports, not with an electronics, but read or edit. and she would just play in the bathtub and talk to herself. She was a great soul self talker. Right. But it's that total freedom to be on their own. With supervision, Within I in earshot. It could be the first thing that they do in the morning. Right. That could be part of their routine. If they don't want to get out of bed and start moving around that they just want to play quietly on the floor or after breakfast. But you create the routine of what you think works best in your daily life. But finding both a morning and afternoon time where he or she knows that they can be free to play all by themselves. No expectations, no interruptions. They're just having fun. They're in it. And remember to keep it fresh by swapping out those toys every couple of weeks. And don't feel like, and this goes back to, the independent playbook, boredom is part of it. Don't feel like you have to rush in with ideas. If they look like they're bored or if they're not sure. Give them that opportunity. To bridge their creative ideas. They've already played enough with you and other family members. That they can bridge start bridging it themselves. I know it's very, very tempting also. To just turn on that screen. If you need 10 or 15 minutes to whatever, get dressed. make a phone call, do some work, whatever. Try your best to steer away from that. If we build these independent skills, Then you can trust your 2, 3, 4 year old. To entertain themselves, why you have to do something. AOS some adult task. I know the screens are such an easy fix. I see it in the grocery store. As I see it in. Doctor's offices. I see it in the park. Yikes. You can be courageous you that you're in charge. Stand up and say, Nope, my family's going to do it differently. And yet they'll have plenty of computer time. In the future. think what the long-term goals are to build resiliency, persistence, creativity, self regulation. And you can just say to them, Hey buddy. I wonder what you're going to come up with today in your quiet playtime. I know that you're going to make something fun. That's it. As a wrap up, start early. Baby steps. Always keep an eye and ear out on them. Cause they're still very unpredictable. You know, that safety first. No batteries, keep it simple. Don't disrupt them, give them a thumbs up or a smile for encouragement. That's it. Use a red clock. And that could be used in a thousand different formats. And just practice every day. And if you haven't started and you think, oh my gosh, I'm behind. No, you're not. These strategies work for any little guy or gal. So I will have an outline attached to this because that's always, always helpful. thanks again for sharing your precious time with me. I truly appreciate your openness to learning more about your beautiful toddler. It's not easy in this modern world. please consider writing a review. If you're gaining benefits. That's how I can reach more moms. Just like you, your toddler, our toddlers are counting on you. And us together as a team. To help them thrive, build curiosity, independence, and communication skills. You've got this mama. All right, so God bless and I'll see you next week.