Why Does Pretend Play Matter? - Explore Its Impact on Your Toddler's Language Growth

Pretend play is the ultimate brain builder. 

It's the magic potion that sparks language, supercharges social skills, and boosts emotional intelligence.

The 3 top benefits of pretend play.

Language Leaps:

Pretend play acts as a secret language workshop for your little one. 

As they engage in imaginative scenarios, they're not just playing – they're experimenting with words, tones, and expressions. 

This playful chatter is a significant building block for their language development, turning every tea party and superhero adventure into a language-rich classroom.

Social Skills Supercharge:

Picture this – your toddler hosting a teddy bear picnic or sharing toys with imaginary friends. 

These make-believe interactions aren't just adorable; they're social training grounds. 

Pretend play helps toddlers grasp the nuances of sharing, taking turns, and understanding others' perspectives. 

It's a social skills boot camp that happens organically through play.

Emotional Intelligence Boost:

Behind those superhero capes and tea party tiaras lies a world of emotions waiting to be explored. 

Pretend play allows toddlers to express, understand, and navigate a range of feelings in a safe, imaginative space. 

It's like a mini therapy session, helping them build emotional resilience and empathy – crucial tools for a lifetime of healthy relationships.

Remember mom, you're not just facilitating play; you're laying the groundwork for a confident, communicative, and emotionally intelligent little human. 

Embrace the magic of pretend play – it's more than just fun; it's a language and life skills powerhouse for your toddler.

Links mentioned in this episode:

Andrew Huberman, PhD

https://www.hubermanlab.com/episode/using-play-to-rewire-and-improve-your-brain

Stuart Brown, MD, PhD

https://www.nifplay.org/about-us/about-dr-stuart-brown/

https://www.playcore.com/drstuartbrown

Carol Dweck, PhD

https://www.ted.com/talks/carol_dweck_the_power_of_believing_that_you_can_improve?language=en

https://www.ted.com/speakers/carol_dweck

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Transcript

Erin: 0:00

Cognition, we now know. Is developed over time, based on your experience and interactions with your environment. It's how your child develops attention skills, thinking. Planning organization. It's how he, or she will try out different scenarios. Like I said, they'll try these different characters. And then they'll start to remember. Oh, I liked being the fireman. Or now I don't really want to do that. I want to swing or climb this tree or whatever the scenarios are. They'll begin to identify with the feeling. and they do this through a lot of experimentation, as we know, Toddler's experimenting all day, every day. that they'll figure out. How they can continue to work through this or put it away for another day. that's what cognition is. So cognition is the foundation for language and it really starts very, very young. Hello, and welcome to Talking Toddlers, where I share more than just tips and tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. We're going to cover all of that, but here, our goal is to develop clarity. Because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction, to never give up, to tap into everyday activities so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind. He's thriving through your guidance. We know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started. today we're going to dive into a topic that is pretty close to my heart. It's the powerful connection between pretend, play. And talking in your toddler. It's not just about building forts or having tea parties, although those are beautiful scenarios and wonderful experience. But it's literally unlocking your child's language potential. Our human communication. And I talk a lot about potential here because science and experience over my career, as well as looking back in the last 50, 80, a hundred years. Is really showing us that the human potential is so much greater than we would sometimes like to admit, because I think sometimes it's scary. Admitting that we at the end of the day, individual humans are responsible for the outcomes are responsible for. Our own wellbeing and the family that we love and serve. So let's take it back to how language development requires the ability to think symbolically. Or in other words, to use one object to represent another right spoken words, represent our feelings, our thoughts, our desires. So children who are beginning to use toys symbolically. Like in pretend, play or imaginative play. Maybe they are using a spoon to pretend to eat, or maybe they're pretending that the banana is a telephone. They're also developing the ability to use words to represent their actions and their needs and their thoughts. So they first have to do it. Like I often say here through gestures or actions before the words can be formulated. And articulated, but there's a lot of synchronicity Murray member. Our human body. Our whole system of living and growing and developing. Are these intricate systems. Talking to one another and building and reinforcing through our experience. So I want you through this discussion today to think of the magic of make-believe. As laying the foundation for talking and understanding problem solving. Planning organizing and our memory. So, like I say a lot here, let's keep our goal insight, our end goal and not the big, huge dynamic ones, like graduating from college and walking her down the aisle. But the more realistic. and goal from getting your baby and toddler to. His fifth or sixth birthday, right? You want your five or six year old to be engaged? And chatty and independent, curious. And to feel more and more comfortable. In their own skin and in their own environment, I want you to imagine your toddler's world. As that training ground. And you are their coach. You are their number one influencer. So pretend play is really one critical piece. To that working out right to that training ground to building and honing those skills. So when they are five and six, and then you can look beyond that. So one of my favorite researchers that I followed for the, I'd say the last 10, 15 years. Is Dr. Stuart brown. And I've mentioned his work here in the past, on these episodes. But he really is a pioneer in the research of play. All kinds of play, right. Play as a baby and a toddler and a child. And. How do we bring that play into our adult life, but for today's purposes, I want to focus on his work and some other people's work, but especially looking at imaginative play. As the fuel. For your toddler's brain. And that's how Dr. Brown looks at it. That is not just these cute scenarios. Although, like I said, those are heartwarming and endearing and memorable, but it really is that training ground for language and social connection and learning about social relationships and emotional regulation and, you know, trying on these different roles and learning. Through life experience how to be a human with other humans, but it takes those first three years that we talk a lot about here. In, in those. Those specific but important steps to get there. So what Dr. Brown Stuart brown looks at, and one of his best quotes is that plays anything but trivial. And I really, really believe that in my heart of hearts after literally playing on the floor. For 35 years. but he goes on to say that it is a biological drive as integral. To our health. As sleep and nutrition. And that play is essential to develop social skills and adult problem solving skills. So there's so much more going on as always in our early, early child development. But, um, recently I listened or shall I say really listened to a podcast by Dr. Andrew Huberman. Many of you might be familiar with his work, but he's a neuroscientist and a pretty big well-known podcaster. He does direct the Huber men lab up there in Northern California. But he's an associate professor. Of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford university school of medicine. in a recent episode, number 58, titled using play to rewire and improve your brain. I relisten to this again, because. As always, when you look at adult. Issues or adult health and wellbeing or biohacking. As he is often known for. we can't look at the adult situations, whether it's a young adult or an older adult without going back to infancy and toddlerhood and early child development and how the brain. Really is plastic. or malleable throughout our life. And. Our experiences help shape that. But what drew me to this particular episode with Dr. Huberman was that he states play is the most powerful portal. To plasticity. And I know I've mentioned a lot about neuroplasticity here and I will dive deeper into what that is and how it's new on the scene over the last 25 30 years. And how it slowly but surely we're validating. It's important, But the other thing that Dr. Huberman states is that play at every stage in life is the way in which we learn the rules for that particular stage in life. And so I think it's important that when we look at our babies and our toddlers, What are they actually doing in their every day waking hours? That helps hone taking advantage of. Of the biology, right? Neuroplasticity. And epigenetics. I talked about that in a previous episode. But also. Connecting these. human elements, such as cognition and language through the medium. I'll play and play. I think often gets a bad rap that we as adult. I have removed ourselves from place so much that we forget that our young people. Right. Whether they're toddlers or school, age, or high schoolers need this play to learn the rules for that stage in life. And so today we're going to cover the fundamentals. Of your toddler entering this beautiful phase or beautiful stage in life, pretend and imaginary play. And why it's so dang important. And it starts to emerge 1824 months of age. But it really starts to take shape around that third birthday and we'll continue through their 11th and 12th birthday. And the goal I hope is to inspire a lot of us, us grownups, as well as the children in our life to perhaps. Embrace pretend and imaginary play at any stage because. It's that important. Right. Okay, so for today's purpose, I'm hoping that the information that I share with you will help you take these tools, analyze where your child is on this developmental journey, and then how you can foster enhance, expand this process that they're living through. And. the good news that Dr. Huberman and many, many others state. Is that these skills. Can be expanded upon. Re acknowledged at any stage, right? That's what neuroplasticity is that? Yes, it's true. You either use it or lose it, but it doesn't always mean that we completely printed away. Although we do prune quite a bit. From. Uh, what we're born with. I think. close to 40%, but what happens then is we hone the rest of the neuro synopsis and build these network systems that become more and more efficient and more and more automatic. And that's what mastery is all about. But in these first three years, We have to take literally baby steps and you and I, as the adults, as the ones responsible for these beautiful children. Need. To model and provide examples. Otherwise there they're more survival reflexes. We'll just let them be. There'll be quote unquote, healthy enough to survive. We want. You're a toddler to thrive. And that's where us adults. Have to step in right. Take charge be the leader. So at this point, I just want to make a side note that these concepts that I'm going to talk about today regarding. Pretend play in imaginary, play in particular. Are especially true when we discuss autism. And I do state that that will be in a separate episode, talking about, you know, the challenges with children who. I have, or who present? Under the umbrella of autism. Today, I just, maybe in the back of our minds, continue to think about this unique relationship between pretend, play. Cognition and language development. And that you might be able to understand. More of why kids who present as autistic. Right. We use that term autism. As that a title, right. Because there's a lot of really. Nuanced material under that. But. If we look at how pretend play grows and develops. Then we might have a better understanding deeper of the struggles that these kids present with through their development, right. That there were glitches in their neurological system. Their wiring system is different. And I believe through my experience and I have seen hundreds and hundreds of children on the autism spectrum. That these glitches block or interfere with the building of these necessary neuropathways And so when I talk about how pretend play, how going through that process helps develop these neural pathways. You'll be able to, line that up. If we think about what some of these challenges that autistic children present with such. As In flexibility or difficulty expanding the flow of thought, right. And their imagination. They're very rigid. They have a lot of repetitive actions. they use a lot of memorized language. And those kinds of behaviors Uh, restrictive because they don't have the building blocks or their systems aren't allowing themselves. To build that fluidity. And I'll go in on that on another episode, but I just wanted to make a side note. Perhaps. These behaviors can be. Better understood. Once we know what typical neurodevelopment looks like right. And how the environment can influence and support. Growth and development. So I just wanted to make that side don't At the same time, reiterate what Dr. Huberman says that neuroplasticity is lifelong. Whether you're, four or six and struggling with autistic behaviors. Uh, or you're, 46 and you're trying to do something new in your life. That neuroplasticity is there. We just have to create the environments to practice and stretch ourselves. Over time. that. 46 year old is going to be a little less. Malleable because the rigids or those neural pathways are dug in deep and to undo that or to create a new pathway takes more work and more effort, but it can be done. It's just a lot easier when you're three or six or eight. And I just wanted to put that out there. So now, I want to step back into Dr. Stuart Brown's work regarding pretend play because he stipulates that it really is, this imagination is really the ultimate brain builder and it correlates with speech and language growth and development too. So, for that first year or 18 months Your child, your baby, your infants, your new toddler is honing those auditory skills, listening to the world and trying to figure out how to move this body and strengthen it and coordinate it. And all of that. And those are those basic building blocks for that, that foundation. And then as they really acquire enough information and you'll see what the breakdown is. How they use play as the medium to build their language and cognition. And to build their understanding of how they can. Initiate and be a part of this outer world. according to Dr. Stuart brown pretend play is the ultimate brain builder. And he was one of the founders of an organization called national Institute for play. And I've always said, wow, that would be a great organization to work for. But an I F P. And they have a great website. I'll have the link down below. They identify eight play. Types through our, our, our life actually. And his work really focuses on adults who are facing serious challenges, whether they're social challenges or emotional challenges or relationship issues, or, pretty severe criminal issues. He has studied for the last 30, 35 years. How early child development. I E play. Can either make or break a well-adjusted happy, healthy adult. And the, correlations the research to me phenomenal, and that we can not underestimate the importance. Not only for academic skills and, being a happy five and six year old when he runs off to kindergarten or first grade. But it's really about our lifelong health and wellbeing. Yes. Cognition is part of it. And yes, human communication is a big piece because we're focusing on those first three years, but ultimately it's our ability. I mean, just think about us as adults, no matter how adult you are, whether you're still in your twenties or thirties or fifties or sixties, that when we approach life approach our day with a playful manner with a playful attitude. With, with light heartedness with creativity. With, joy and, Just this, this lightness, whether we're riding our bike or going for a hike or playing a card game. Or, chutes and ladders or any of the play-based, or, or could be open-ended play, right. It could be art to our could be your garden, or it could be, reading poetry and just, walking on the beach and feeling. The beauty all around you. That is all a part of this. And it starts in infancy. It starts with you at the helm, helping them shape those early, early nuggets into bringing. Play throughout their life. So. Dr. Brown's work at, the national Institute for play. And I F like I said, Identifies these eight stages attunement, which I've talked a lot about here. Those that first year, getting in tune with your baby. Body and movement play. That's all about letting your baby. Get in tune with himself or herself, right. Crawling tummy time. All of that. Object play. We talk a lot about that with, mouthing things and his first foods and all of that, and then imaginative or pretend play. And that's what we're going to dive into today. There are social play, rough and tumble play celebratory and ritual play. Storytelling and narrative, right? Those are the same. Those are the eight, but. All of them are critically important and in a perfect world, we would all carry all of them throughout our life. And I think as we became more and more quote, unquote civilized in this modern world, we're compartmentalizing them a lot. And my goal, part of my goal is to get all of us adults. Perhaps. More in tune. With our inner child, right. Our playful manner, and to bring more of these back to life and we can start it. But as a new mom, as a new dad, You can say, okay. I mean, that certainly happened to me. Not necessarily as. A new mom, because I was in practice for about 15 years before I became a new mom. But in developing my clinical skills. developing that relationship with the little children that I started to work with, I needed to tap into my child, my inner child, and learn how to play. Because I was kind of a serious kid. I think my whole life and I really didn't Enjoy playing. On a regular basis until my late twenties until after graduate school. And it was really the kids in my life that brought that, that I needed to figure out how to, get down on the floor and be present. And not take myself so seriously. So that's another little sidebar, but dr. Stewart brown's work really helped open my eyes to. How important all of these stages that can overlap over time. Right? And, it really helps us. Be more connected with ourselves. And the people in our community. So I don't want you as a new mom or a new dad or a new grandparent to think, oh, you know, now play an imaginary play. This has to be kind of a structured format. That I have to add to my to-do list. I want you to think of it as a key ingredient that will help. Spark life into language and cognition. And it helps meld all of these pieces together. It is the medium in which kids learn. And. Because we think of work and play as opposites, but what, one of the things that Dr. Stuart brown stipulates is that. The opposite of play is really depression. And that's what he found in his work. And his study with adults who have, Unhealthy relationships with themselves and society at large. Right. Very serious. Psychological issues and social, emotional issues and all of that. But he looks at that the opposite of play is really depression. And the more that I really think about that, I believe it to be true, you know, the old saying, do what you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life. I think that speaks volumes. And so let's bring it back to Dr. Brown and Dr. Huberman and all of these people that I like to read. Up on their work. They really are doing what they love and it helps me help you. So it's kind of this domino effect. But back to Dr. Stuart's work or Stuart Brown's work that he really stipulates how. Pretend play helps your toddler feel more independent by letting him or her dive deeper into their own internal world. Remember, they don't have a lot of language yet. Like real words, that symbolic representation. So they're acting through. And experiencing. There are life through behaviors. Right? And so by pretending or imagining, it's giving them a sense of shaping their identity. Right? What do they like? What don't they like? Do they like to dig in the dirt? Do they like to climb trees? Do they like to dress up? Do they like. To drive a car. Do they like to cook? You know, all of these trials. And they're figuring out who they are as an individual. And I know this is kind of. CIRI role or a little esoteric, but. If we step back and look at this big picture, then it helps us in our day to day life. Understand when we're playing with our little ones, you know, hide and seek, or if we're doing dress up or, putting on lipstick or. Dressing up the cat, whatever the play is, be in it with them and help them. And then step back. Right. And I'll talk a lot about that, that ebb and flow, how to step forward. And model for them at the same time that then you step back and wait and wait for them to practice and decide what do they like to do and what don't they like to do. Right. So, These first. A few years, we have to ignite it. We have to kind of get that, that fire going. Right. We have to spark that interest in the curiosity. And, and it's the dance it's that ebb and flow. It's that on and off, it's wait and see at the same time that you're kindling the fire. Right. So. And I talk a lot about that here. And, and, and that's something that, your child will need you more in some stage of growth and development and less over here. Sometimes that's just how they're wired and they'll take the ball and run with it. And it'll be us trying to keep up with them. And then other times we really need to lead them. Until they get the groove and then they can pick it up. So. Before I really step into the stages of pretend, play and how you can help trigger that or start. stoking the fire. Like I said, let's take a first quick peak at what is cognition. And I, I often have to clarify, because I think it's important that we're all on the same page. Right. And that no one is really looking at IQ or intelligence that cognition used to. I think when I was growing up and even part of my. Formal education. Taught me that IQs and intelligence were fixed at birth, that you were born with this genetic predisposition and that's who you are. And we just simply know that that's not true anymore. And that's a good thing, right? That goes back to neuroplasticity. It goes back to life experience and epigenetics that I've talked about in previous episodes. But one woman who built her whole career around this Carol Dweck and I've cited her work before, but she, in the last 30 years, I think it started to percolate in the eighties and nineties when I first came into practice. But it was that fixed versus growth mindset. And through her work, There's been a plethora of studies looking at how children based on what, how we set up the dynamics. They can believe. Whether they can do something or not, whether it's going to be hard and they're going to be successful or. That they judge themselves based on the outcome. And what Carol Dweck's work is really about is that we, as the adults should reinforce the effort. And the possibility. Less than the outcome. Right. And the outcome is just telling us, oh, it didn't work this time. Right. That, that saying that Einstein. try to a thousand different ways to create electricity. And it was his thousand and one time. And, and he just kept saying, well, I haven't figured it out yet. I know these thousand efforts over here, they don't work. So that's good. I'll just keep trying. And I'm glad that he did, but on that note, Cognition. We now know. Is developed over time, based on your experience and interactions with your environment. It's how your child develops his or her attention skills, thinking. Planning organization. It's how he, or she will try out different scenarios. Like I said, they'll try these different characters. And then they'll start to remember. Oh, I liked being the fireman. Or now I don't really want to do that. I want to swing over here or climb this tree or whatever the scenarios are. They'll begin to. Identify with the feeling. Right. And they, and they do this through a lot of experimentation, as we know, right. Your toddler's experimenting. All day, every day. And then there's these trials and errors that they'll figure out. How they can continue to work through this or put it away for another day. Right, but that's what cognition is. So cognition is the foundation for language and, and it really starts very, very young. And I've mentioned this in the past that those early, early cognitive skills are developed. Again, through their, their experience with you. Uh, in those first 8, 10, 12 months. The first one. Is object permanence. We all know what that is, but the importance of it. In understanding. Cognitively. Oh, That the ball rolled under the couch. I can't see it, but it's still there so I can begin to imagine it. I know it still exists. Right. If mama leaves the room and goes into the kitchen. He knows mama's still. In his world, she just went into the kitchen to get some water or something. Right. And so they can begin to imagine. And that's where object permanence is really, really important. And then the early cause and effect of I push this button, the door opens. Or if I crank this little handle here that, you know, Jack and the box will pop up. Right. And so they begin through minor little, you and I look at it as play, but that's real work. That's real learning. That's real development in real time. And then there's that early problem solving. So even if he's beginning to crawl and maybe he, uh, he hasn't even mastered crawling yet, but he sees something shiny on the other side of the room at his skeleton, he's doing everything he can, some kids will get really, really clever, clever, and like, oh, I can just pull this little blanket. And maybe that shiny thing will get closer to me. Or maybe once they do start crawling and they. call crawl across the room and they get close to the coffee table and they're like, oh, how do I get around? Can I go under, can I pull to a stand. Can I scream and shout and get someone's attention and they can help me. Those are all early. Problem-solving. And so those cognitive skills come long before speech and language. But they have to start wiring these systems, these networks. To build upon that. Okay. So now I want to walk through five predictable stages and I've put these in the outline again. I think I have a lot of detail that I like to share. And if you guys can have a checklist or an outline that will help. Uh, solidify or keep some of these ideas and concepts in your forebrain, then. Great. Just find that link down below and, um, and take them home. So the first of these five predictable stages is called self pretend. And it usually starts around that first birthday, give or take and up until 16, 18 months of age, but this is the stage where your toddler. We'll perform one, pretend action at a time on themselves. And so. You can find a 16, 18 month. will pretend to eat with a spoon, right. Or they'll pretend to drink from a cup. Or if they see a nice fluffy pillow, they'll pretend to go to sleep. So they are starting to do what on themselves. And it's usually just one. Pretend action at a time. And the usually use things that look quite realistic. Uh, and that's why one of the reasons why we have plastic toys, right, is that they can then begin to start to quote unquote practice. With safe objects. Right? Of course keeping them safe, but they're still very realistic. They're still very concrete in their thinking. They don't have that imagination yet. They don't have that language. And then somewhere around 18 months, give or take through their second birthday. Your toddler will then perform a simple pretend action on toys or other people. So those first six months is on themselves and now your child will continue to use. Realistic looking toys, but they'll expand outside of themselves, such as feeding their baby doll, right. Or pretending the airplane can fly up in the sky. It's not this inward, right. They're beginning to expand their world because they have six more months of life experience. But typically at this stage, Your toddler will imitate familiar actions. And that we do, right. They'll be watching us a lot more with our actions and putting it in. In a better understanding. Like I remember our daughter. In the back of the car. Taking a pretend phone. And popping the antenna. So that was back in the early two thousands when we didn't have smartphones yet we just had a good old fashioned cell phone, but we all had antennas on top that we would have to pull out. And push back. And so now you can really check my age, but she would do that with something that looked like a phone, right. Could be a box. It could have been. Uh, block, but she would use that because it represented something very familiar in real life. Then the third stage would come to be around that second birthday. And this is the important, this is when they begin to do a series of familiar actions. So the first one. Is a single action. Pretend action on themselves. The next one is a single action. Outward with another tool or another person. Now they're having very similar to how their language is developing at this stage. Around that second birthday, they're really starting to put words together, right. To build little phrases and sentences, but now they're beginning to combine their pre pretend actions together. So this stage, your toddler might act out a series of actions related to a very familiar routines, such as. W what you guys do to eat, right? So they might act that out. Oh, I take out the dishes I put In the food. I stir it up. I blow on it, or it could be the actions related to going to bed. Again, all of these actions are familiar to them that they have seen you do and participated in over and over again. And it could be, you know, blowing on the food, like I said, and then giving it to the baby. All of those. Different steps, 3, 4, 5 different steps, but they're all within one action. Or one content. Now at this stage, somewhere around there, second birthday, up through 30 months of age. They can use less realistic option, um, objects. And that's important because that's telling us, they're starting to imagine outside of the concrete learning. And they're starting to generalize and that that's that cognitive ability that stretching. But at the same time at this particular age, it is. So we're looking at that two to two and a half year old. The, the objects that they're using. Are similar in shape. So for example, my daughter, pushed back the antenna, but she always found something that was handheld in a rectangular shape. That looked very similar to the phone. And so. It's important when we really study play in where a child is, we want to meet them where they're at and understand. Oh, they're still at that concrete stage, but they're adding to it. They can do multiple things with fixing dinner or putting your baby to bed or, taking a bath or any of those routines, but they're a little bit more flexible with. I with the tools that they use or the objects. So there, you can see. They're their cognitive ability, stretching a bit. Then the fourth stage. Gets pretty exciting and that's around 30 months and all the way up close to that third birthday. And again, these age ranges, wiggle a little bit here and there, but these are good approximations. And now they have a series of less familiar actions. And this where you can see, ah, The creativity happening. Right? So. They are using less familiar themes in their play. And this is when perhaps there. pretending to be a doctor or they're pretending to be a. Uh, waiter or a cashier. Right. And so it's not there every day, like sitting down and eating dinner at home or taking a bath or feeding. And those are regular routines, but, They go out to the store and they understand the cashier's job or. Perhaps they often see a bus driver or this or that. So they they're expanding their concepts of the world and starting to imagine beyond their home. Right. Uh, beyond themselves, beyond their daily routine. So children can pretend without an object now. So closer to that 30 months of age, and as they approached that third, their third birthday. They can pretend to use their hand as a cup. Right. one of the, my daughter would always pretend to be driving in the backseat using that steering wheel. She's imagining the steering wheel in her hand. Right or kids put their hands up. To their eyes like their binoculars, right. They're imagining holding onto that binocular and looking through. So you see how cognitively they're moving beyond the concrete. That's, that's hard and fast right in front of themselves. And I think that it's important to understand how a lot of professionals. Whether they're educators or therapists. Um, doctors. We mix this up. And as soon as the kid is starting to walk and talk and they're hitting that second birthday, we have unrealistic expectations. We think they should be play, acting these roles and playing with other kids and all of that. They're not developmentally ready. And that's where I struggle a lot with, with our current daycare systems. And I've spent many, many, many, many years educating. And trying to help programs really understand what is developmentally appropriate and what is not, but that's also for another conversation. But I think it's important that that 30 months to 36 months. So it's two and a half to three years of age. They're just beginning. To, to tap into. Imagining beyond themselves. Right. And it's also important that you can see that they will Use things that don't necessarily resemble they'll they'll add lib a little bit more. And their creativity. And so they're a little less concrete and. And again, you have to spend some time. Watching them and seeing what they do. And, and if you feel like your son or daughter. Are not doing it on their own, right. Say they're two and a half and they're. Then go in there. And kind of facilitate it and see how they respond. Maybe they just need a nudge, right. A little love behind their bum. And to say here, let's pretend, we're looking through these binoculars and looking at the clouds or let's pretend that. We're going to be at a restaurant and I'm going to give you my, order. And see if they go with it. And so the fifth stage, and again, these ages are a little soft, but it's important to keep them in mind. Right? You don't. Expect. Your two year old to be doing what I'm going to describe right now. And that's the big difference, right? There's a big difference between a new two year old and a new three-year-old. And I often say that to parents. They'll say, oh, I have a two year old, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'll say, is he new? Or has he been there for a while? Right. So a brand new 24 month old is going to look a lot different than a 30 month old. And that's going to look a lot different than a 33 month old. So we have to keep that in mind. But this fifth stage is usually. Emerging around that third birthday. So it's usually between three and five years of age as this begins to percolate. So now at this stage, Your child really starts his true imagination, B on the concrete. Real life, right? His daily routines. And then, some routines that you see he's out and about in the community, but now he can imagine something that doesn't really exist. Maybe he saw in a book, maybe he saw on television, but it's not real. Such as pirates or castles or superheroes, all of those kinds of things are far beyond his life experience. He's seen some of them, perhaps, like I said, I hope not too much screen time. But, um, in a book, right. And then now he's building that imagination and that's why that's another reason why this screened sometimes, um, Gives us too much of that visual input. And we want that visual imagination too, to really develop inside their own mind. And that's why. You can read a book to a child and each one of the listeners, whether you have it, like say three kids there, they're going to imagine differently inside their own head. And that's the critical piece. But at this fifth stage, Your child will start to pretend with other children. And that's huge. So I wanted to be really clear that this is not. Expected until their third birthday and beyond. By the time that they're three. We should be encouraging them and helping them, but there's still going to be a lot of hand over hand learning how to play together because up until their third birthday, there's a lot of parallel play and that is healthy and normal and typical. So I know sometimes it's hard for professionals to hear that. And I think sometimes for parents too. And, A child might be okay at two and a half. On Tuesday, but Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, he melts down whenever he goes to play. And that's why you have this dysregulation. And a lot of uncertainty when a child goes off to preschool. Or daycare. And you think that they're used to this stuff? And they simply are because they haven't mastered it yet is not necessarily developmentally appropriate. And so it's this fifth stage between three and five, where they start to really pretend with other children and they start taking on different roles. And the reason behind this. Is because they can imagine beyond themselves and they don't rely on the concrete items in their world. Like the pretend toys. That they can now use more of verbal and nonverbal. To help them pretend to help them imagine. So they can use gestures or minds or even unrealistic objects. Right. So it could be that they're waving their hand, but they imagined that they have a magic wand in their hand. Or if they say here, you know, I'm going to play doctor you tell me where hurts lay down here. And I can pretend and imagine wrapping a bandage around your broken leg. Right. And so now we can use language much more sophisticated nonverbal communication to really help communicate with my play partner here. And we can work together. So keep in mind that the realistic objects and toys aren't needed at this stage. And that we really want to see your child use more language and more creative. Imagination. So, so they get along. You're not always right. That three, four or five-year-old are always going to get along. They might both want to be the doctor and you can't. Right. So then that's where they're learning to negotiate and they say, I'm going to be the doctor first, and then you can be right and see how they can work it out with themselves. And that that's. So rich and so important to experience over and over and over again, and to figure out who they are. Right. Do I really have to be in charge of this clinic here? And do I have to be the doctor? Can I just, you know, be a nurse or maybe I can. You know, be a patient that kind of comes and goes, and I can get better each time. Whatever it is, but you're giving them the opportunity to exercise and practice that in real time, over and over and over again. So those are the five. Predictable stages, looking at the, the self pretend right between 12 months and 18 months. Then the simple pretend. At 18 months to 24 months where they pretend. One action on themselves or a toy or one other person, right. Um, Then the third one is a series of familiar actions with something that they've experienced day in and day out, like taking a bath or feeding your Teddy bear. The fourth one is now a series with less familiar. And that they, are pretending to be the doctor or a waiter, like I said, and that they're expanding their imagination and putting themselves. And an imaginary life experience. And then the final one. Which really does last until their 11th birthday is really role playing with other children. And that's where this pretend play. Can really, really help. Kids. With higher order thinking and social skills and problem solving and all of this. And so it's important that we give them plenty, plenty of time. To, to pretend right. To act out, to imagine. And that's why, reading books and helping them trigger ideas and talking about things Because they will take that information and then acted out and take that information and expand upon it. In imaginary, like being a pirate or being a fairy or being, the soldier or whatever it may be. So I did want to include in this discussion. Some activities for a younger, for a, your infant. Because. Remember, we want to build those early, early cognitive skills that then support problem solving and exploration. And so I just wanted to run through. I'll put this in that list, in that handout that you can have, but if you have a younger child or a child who's developmentally younger, say you have a 14 month old. But they're still working through a lot of these milestones, but these are activities that are really designed to stimulate that cognitive growth and encourage exploration and encourage problem solving. So things like blocks, of course we, you know, that's kind of the toy number one, but it really does help them with their spatial reasoning. And that's building that early, early cognitive skills. And then we have the Lego Duplos those big ones. Those are my favorite of all time, secondary, maybe to the magnets, but, um, But again, helping build and problem solve. It also helps with that fine motor, the left and right hemisphere. One hand and the second end, you know, the right hand and the left hand. Um, of course, like I just mentioned the whole story time. And stimulating that imagination and giving them a lot of rich language. Tummy time, tummy time, tummy time. Mirror games, right? Infants and young children are very fascinated with the mirrors and because it, it gives them a reflection. Um, and. And builds their own self-awareness right. That curiosity. Oh, w I feel my lips coming together and then what happens? What does it look like? Right. And it looks like mamas, or they're making faces, or we're making sounds in there. All of that. That curiosity and self-awareness. And then sensory bins. Again, you have to be mindful of if they're still putting a lot of things in their mouth. But after that second birthday, or I'm sorry, after that first birthday. They should be a little less mouthy, right? you can use things that are safe, silk or soft fabrics bumpy. Textured toys, right. Different pieces of wood. and, water of course, and sand and all of those kinds of things, but that's really shaping their sensory processing ability. Um, and then of course, hide and seek that we want that, that object permanence. Right. And, and to, and for you to. Ask them. Where is it? Where is it? What happened? What happened, and then you can give them that language under the couch or under the blanket. Um, those kinds of language, as well as cognition. Then there's those interactive songs. I'm always, always encouraging, you know, the itsy bitsy, spider or head shoulders, knees and toes knees and toes knees and toes. I know you're laughing at me. Hopefully. Um, but that really encourages that motor skill. And an cognitive understanding directions, right? And, and movement movement movement helps. Foster ignite that language. And then there. R. Those back and forth games. Right. Creating those dialogue environments are early dialogue. Where you mimic each other sounds and you play back and forth, um, and fill in the blank and, and those kinds of things. And then of course, number 10. And like I said, I'll have this outline, um, as part of the link down below, but the shape sorters and that I think a lot of parents. Try to get kids to identify the language like, oh, triangle circle square. And that's nice, but that's just rote learning because they still don't have an understanding. And so we want them to be able to look at that visually and then discriminate the sizes. Or I'm sorry, the shapes. And then being able to manipulate it and problem solve. Why does this square not fit in this circle? Right. Cause they're different. And this circle fits in the circle because they're the same, that concept of same and different and lining things up and trying and trying again, remember, we're looking at growth mindset, so we want. Ah, it doesn't work. Try another one. That's a circle. We need to find the circle. That's a star. They don't match. There are different. Try another one. That's okay. Try another one. You know, so you're always helping them with just. Try it again. You're getting closer. You know, there's only five or whatever. And so the idea is to use these early on. And you can always go back. We can always look at, you know, same and different objects, right? Whether they're animals or people or that kinds of thing, and sensory bins can be throughout their whole childhood. Right. It can. Start in a small container, a tub in your backyard, and then you can have free wheel it by, playing around in the stream. with supervision, of course, but you want to build their sensory awareness and All of those processing systems that help. Solidify. The mastery of this world, right? Three-dimensional world cognitively. Physically, emotionally linguistically all of them come together. So I will put that list. And in the handout also I wanted to then touch upon. If you have a child and you're not quite sure where they are, look at their play, study their play, and see if you can line them up in this, in this early development. Or if you feel like your child is struggling, he's not a very good pretend player say he's, close to his third birthday or something. Or they're, they're just kind of stagnant, right? They've plateaued a little bit. Then there are some sequential processes that we have used in therapy that I would like to share, and I can dive deeper in, in another episode, but I wanted to bring them to light. So you can at least have them in your forebrain. And use them in, in your day to day experiences. So you can glean a little more. Authenticity. To what's going on. Under there. Their head. Right? Because like I said, in the very beginning, Your little ones, your one and two, and even year two and a half year old, doesn't have a lot of language. They can't always tell you exactly what they're doing or what they understand or what they don't understand or what they're questioning. So we have to look. At their ability to negotiate this world. And then figure out where they are developmentally and how to support them. at that stage. Right? So the first thing is when we're looking at the sequential process of pretend, play, that you can help them with those familiar objects and to use them appropriately, like in the beginning, In that self pretend. is where they pretended with a spoon to eat there. Weren't really eating. Right. But they're pretending. or you could show them, pushing the truck. Or stacking the blocks that this is what we do with these toys. Roll the ball. Pretend to read a book. Pretend to rock a baby, pretend to pound a hammer. All of that is around 12 to 15 months. And that. You're helping them quote, unquote, play in this imaginary, right? It's not a real hammer. It's not really building a house. Right. But these are, these are toys that are representing something that's, that's possible in the real world. And you're helping them do one action at a time. And then if they got that, then you say, okay, let's see if I can help them learn to use the object. Herself or himself, right. and so think about on her or to herself, like I said, in part of the five predictable stages. can they feed themselves or, what are the steps in taking a bath or sleeping items or dress up? Can they do it to themselves? Because I've, been with a lot of toddlers. I can put the, the fire hat on them and give them the hose and all of that, but I want them to start to initiate them. I want them to imagine being the firefighter or being the mama, who's taking care of the baby or those kinds of things, but they have to do it for themselves. And then you can help your toddler learn how to use objects on another person. And so you can, Perhaps encourage them to put the crown on Papa, go put the crown on Papa or give Papa some lipstick. Or, Put this sword into Papa's belt. Or any of those kinds of things. and I think it's important that we distinguish where they are. Whether they acted out naturally for themselves and on themselves. And then can they expand their horizon and think beyond. And, and start to engage, you know, go brush Papa's hair with this, brush, And so if you're questioning. Where your child might be in this developmental. Stage right, these stages, then, try your best to analyze. Through watching them and engaging with them. And see how they respond. Right. Again, a lot of kids need more hand over hand. Teaching. And helping them through. We don't want to rush them. Right. And so if, if you're looking at her and you want. to do it to Papa, right? Oh, let let's go dress up Papa as the queen or the king or whatever. And she wants to wear the crown and she wants to put the sword on and she wants to climb in the truck. Letter. That's where she is. She's at a younger developing phase. And so you encourage that. And then perhaps she can watch you. Do it to the older brother or to pop up or to the cat or whatever. But. We're all, it's a dance. And that's where I want to encourage all parents to be involved each and every day. Right. And, these are some of my concerns with the current daycare systems that. Our modern world has developed, created. Established. And I've watched the ch change. And so, I'm concerned that they don't have. Your child doesn't have. The subtle nuances there. And, and understanding, and we can talk about that. A lot. in the near future. And I have some episodes planned on that and some guests scheduled. but I think it's important that. At home with you, let's figure this out. and so you can also help your toddler learn to combine objects in pretend play. So say they're, putting the sword on and putting the crown on. or they're just fighting with a sword. help them add steps to that. let's go and walk around the castle and pull up weeds or whatever nights do I don't know. or direct traffic or that kind of stuff, or you could feed the baby and cover the baby with a blanket and put the baby to bed. give the Teddy bear a bath, dry him off, put his work clothes on and then put him in the truck and he goes off to work. help them build some imaginary steps that is relatable. This is what daddy does. He takes to showery. Gets dressed to get climbs in his truck and he goes to work, right. Those kinds of steps. And so all I'm I'm saying here is if you're open to kind of analyzing where your child is, and then like I often say meet him or her where he or she is. And join them. And then see what they do, right. So, if you notice, for example, they're not interested in combining objects, then make it simpler. Go back. Right. Let him, like I said, put it on himself. And then just March round. Because he will. Stay with you and play with you for longer periods. If you continue to be interested in what he's doing at that time, that's what child. Led. play is. I just want to encourage you to be patient, understand that. These are processes. It takes time. And a lot of professionals, a lot of my colleagues. And then the professionals in the daycare, in the preschools, get it wrong. They're pushing them to go to where they're not ready to go yet. And there are these subtle nuances that I think are really, really important. And if we give them a couple of weeks or a couple of months here, You know what say they're playing and putting the dress up clothes on themselves and they're not really sharing on the outside with you or the big brother or whatever. That's okay. Give them that wiggle room. the key takeaway here, I think. Is that we can't push through pretend play. Okay. Again, I hate to moan and groan with. The professionals out there. But, I think society at large and the powers that develop curriculum, and I think that's terrible to develop curriculum for. Uh, a two year old, but it is where we are. And so I want to talk to you new mom at home. What can you do? Even if you use a daycare center, what can you do with your time at home? Right to not push through this pretend. And let it develop over time. That it starts to really emerge more imaginatively around that second birthday, right prior to that. There's still much more functional. And then they'll start around that second birthday with plane on themselves. And they'll use one step, right. And then they'll build. Uh, series. With familiar actions and then a series with less familiar actions. And then around that third birthday, They start to role play with other children. And it's a lot of trial and error. They're trying to figure out how do I negotiate? Being a human being with other kids. It's tricky unless he comes from like my family. Um, I think I've shared with you. I'm the seventh of nine. Um, And even then sharing was. Exhausting right. But part of this process, and I'll just close with this is really helping you get in touch with your inner child and your imagination. And being okay with it and staying in the moment. Let your child lead and then you. Kind of poke. The flames a little bit and try to really. Get some more, some heat going right. And I assure you that your child will be very interested and very motivated to play with you. If you make it about them. And if you feel connected, With each other, right. So the truth is, and I, and a lot of parents have shared this, that, you know, they're concerned that others will look at them and saying, oh my gosh, you're just messing around with trucks or you're just play, play, play. That's all you do all day. But hear me out here. Um, you're helping your child think symbolically and you're developing critical thinking skills that will serve him or her throughout his whole life. So when children play with adults and other children, and that starts to emerge around that third birthday, they learn how to get along. Right. They learn how to problem solve, how to communicate their needs and their wants. They learn how to wait, which is really tricky. And learn how to use language to explain themselves to negotiate. To convince others. So plays the way children learn these skills and language is one of the most important skills I think. Yes, I'm biased, but. Let's be real. The language is one of the most important skills that children learn while they play. Period. So before true imaginary or pretend play can occur. Your healthy, thriving toddler needs to experience all of these stages, these processes and build up through. True imagination and expanding. And so it starts to emerge around that second birthday, but you can really see them honing that around that third birthday, where they start to play with others. And then up through, their tween years, right? 11, 12 years of age, that's important. And the. The goal. I mean, the ultimate goal would be that we can continue that throughout our lives. Right. Let's think of people who quote unquote work. And love. Their work so much. That they bring this playful. Imagination. Builders, designers, writers, storytellers, actors, shafts, artists, explorers, landscapers. Teachers. So the takeaways don't push too soon, meet him or her where he or she is. Model then step back and wait. Use your language concretely. Then wait. Be present. Engaged. Playful childlike. And follow their lead. Right. So I do have a handout. I have some links down below to doctor. Andrew Huberman, Dr. Stuart brown. Dr. Carol Dweck. All of these people who have really helped me over the years, understand. What my, my mission was every time I walked into a therapy room and got on the floor with my kids, your kids, our kids, right. So, thanks again for spending time with me. I truly, truly appreciate it. So God bless and I'll see you next week.